Garden Girl
by sciencegeeky
Summary: Nepeta Leijon's mother passed away not even a year ago. Now her older sister is raising her, despite her impending marriage. Nepeta makes time for her friends and their relationships. But can she manage her own?
1. Flower Garden

1 April 1638

My mama kept a journal, and now my sister does, and I think I will too. I'm thirteen now and I think I should start writing down how my life is.

I'm thirteen and I live with my older sister Meulin. We live in our mama's old house on the outskirts of town, in the forest, and we have two gardens: the one in the back for herbs and food, and the one in the front for flowers (which is mine). Meulin takes care of me since our mama passed away a year ago, but we take care of each other too. I love my sister, and I loved our mama. Our real mama, I mean, not our mother and father.

My sister is tired and over-worried a lot, and I think it's because she has to take care of me. She's worried she won't be able to raise me right like our mama was going to. I know she will, but she worries a lot, and about a lot of things. She worries to me that Kurloz, the boy she likes, won't want to marry her because she doesn't have a dowry. I know he will. He looks at her like she makes the sun shine.

I don't know why my sister likes Kurloz. He's tall and pale and skinny and his hair is so dark he almost looks see-through in comparison. The boy I like-Karkat-is a little short and he has such nice brown hair. He's tan because he works outside, and he's a bit fat and strong like my sister and me. His eyes are beautiful, all sorts of lovely coffee-with-cream browns. I could just get lost in his eyes forever.

Meulin giggles when I tell her about Karkat. I think she thinks it's cute that I like him. I hope he thinks I'm cute! I have a nice smile and pretty eyes, like my mama always said.

2 April 1638

Kurloz came over today for supper. Meulin cooked for him, like she always does, and I left early because neither of them talk to me when he's over for dinner. They're busy getting lost in each other's eyes or gushing about each other. I always just leave quietly and Meulin doesn't notice. Kurloz definitely doesn't notice.

I don't mean that he doesn't care about me. I think he does, because Meulin cares about me. I just think he and my sister would rather be alone together. Anyways, I can just read in the library and work on my notes about plants. Right now things are blooming, so I'm watching everything to see when the flowers start and noting when I see squirrels and rabbits and all that. I have lots of numbers and dates and I'm working on organizing them. Meulin doesn't know exactly what I'm doing, but she's proud of me nonetheless. Like my mama.

3 April 1638

Today in the village I played with my friends in the village square, hiding between the market stalls and running down the alleys. Meulin doesn't like Sheppard's Alley because that's where our mama found her when she got sick running away from our mother and father, but I don't mind it, really. It's not so scary during the day.

Equius doesn't like to run around with us, but when we're all tired out and we sit around the fountain and talk he sits with us. Usually it's Aradia and Tavros and Kanaya and Equius, and sometimes Sollux and Karkat, and sometimes Terezi and Vriska. It's good to sit together and talk. Most of my friends say what they mean, which is nice. Well, Tavros doesn't, because he's nervous, and Equius doesn't when he's talking to Aradia. It's obvious he thinks she's beautiful, but he never says that. He's very silly that way.

4 April 1638

My friends came to my house today to play out in the woods. Karkat was really loud in the house and I had to remind him to be quiet because this is where my sister does her work. He said she can do her work when he's loud, but I told him it's hard for her to focus and she needs to focus so nobody gets hurt. He grumped and went outside.

When I'm with them, I don't go out to the clearing with the forget-me-nots. They don't know the woods like I do, so they don't notice that we never go to that clearing, and that's fine with me. I don't know what I'd say if someone asked, besides Equius. Equius already knows because he and Horuss and Mr. Zahhak helped Meulin and me dig our mama's grave.

Meulin and I go there sometimes. We talk to our mama, and sometimes to her family-her own mama, her husband, her best friend, and her first baby. We never met them but Mama told us so much that sometimes I feel like we did.

I miss our mama. I love her so much. I wish she was still here.

5 April 1638

Today was a normal day. It's quite nice when the days are the same, because I don't have to reorganize my thoughts. I have everything organized right now. It takes lots of energy to reorganize, and I'd really rather not. Meulin understands; she and I always do the same thing in the evenings. She's a good big sister that way.

6 April 1638

Karkat is so wonderful. I wish I could tell him how I felt because I want him to know what he thinks of me. And if he likes me back, then…then perhaps I could kiss him. I've always wanted to try kissing someone. I want to fall in love so very much. I've seen how happy Meulin is with Kurloz, even if it means she spends less time with me.

I guess that's how it is sometimes in love. There's only so much time in the day, and Meulin always sets some aside for Kurloz.

I want to have someone like that-someone who I would always set aside time for. I hope it can be Karkat.

7 April 1638

Aradia and I were talking today by the fountain and I asked her why she always asked about where Sollux was when Karkat was with us. I had a suspicion as to why, but I wanted to know.

She went all red and said, "Well, I think he's very nice, is all."

"Nice?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

She blushed even redder and whispered, "I think he's very handsome. And…I like him."

"I knew it!" I squealed. I did! I knew it all along. "Oh my goodness, are you going to tell him? You could go to dinner! Or for a romantic walk in the woods! I could show you the bridge over the river-"

"Nepeta!" Aradia said. "Quiet down!"

"Sorry," I said, still smiling. "It's just so cute!"

She blushed all red, and now I know what I should be keeping my eye on-who, I mean! I love watching people fall in love. It's so wonderful. I could just swoon myself.

8 April 1638

Equius and I went to the creek today and he stood awkwardly on the bank while I played in the water, until finally he got in to play with me. He smiles a little when I get him to play, instead of just standing there like a bump on a log. He's so silly.

9 April 1638

Horuss came over for lunch today. He does that a lot, because he's worried about us-Meulin and me. He thinks we're going to starve without our mama. His father Mr. Zahhak worries a lot about Meulin and me, too. I think he probably promised our mama that he'd take care of us. I know Meulin appreciates it.

Anyways, it's nice. Horuss sometimes brings expensive medicines for Meulin and that makes her feel better.

10 April 1638

Everything was mostly the same today. I spent the morning on chores, hunting and weeding and tending the garden and sewing and all that, and then had lunch with my sister, and then went into the village to spend time with all my friends. Then when it got dark I went home and ate dinner with Meulin, and then we read in the library and did little things like knitting until it was time to go to sleep.

It was nice.

11 April 1638

Karkat is so handsome. I love how soft his face is, especially when he smiles. And he has the most wonderful laugh. He doesn't laugh much, or smile much, but when he does I could just melt from it. I don't think he's noticed yet, thank goodness, because he hasn't done anything about it, and I'd think he would do something if he knew I liked him.

Then again, Aradia isn't doing anything, even though I'm pretty sure Sollux likes her back. I should ask Sollux! He's not a good liar. I'm sure I'd be able to tell if he liked Aradia.

12 April 1638

Meulin was acting very strange today. I don't know why for sure, but it's probably to do with Kurloz. Everything is to do with Kurloz for her. I hope she's not like this so much when they get married. It's very irritating.

13 April 1638

Today is Aradia's birthday! We all spent time together in the village and I finally had the chance to get Sollux and Aradia next to each other, and I saw how red they both were. The two of them most certainly like each other. I'm not surprised!

I'm excited to see how this works out. I know it will.

14 April 1638

Meulin finished her new skirt today. It's just like all of our other skirts-the same plain pattern in our favorite green fabric-but she's going to embroider the hem with little poppies. They're our birth month flower, and she can make them in so many colors. Both of our skirts' hems have flowers on them, because it's a lovely little touch to our normal clothes.

I want to make a new dress for the festivals in fall. Something to impress Karkat! I'm sure he'll like me with a lovely new dress.

15 April 1638

Aradia and I talked about Sollux again today. Equius was there, too, but he didn't say anything. Of course he didn't. He never does!

Anyways, I told Aradia to tell Sollux, because obviously he likes her, but she won't! She says it's too soon and she can't be sure, even though I am fairly sure. I told her I'll ask Sollux and she said I can as long as I don't tell him she wants to know. I'm sure I can do that. I can hardly wait!

16 April 1638

I think today was not a good day for my mama. She was always especially sad on April sixteenth. It's the day on her husband's gravestone. She never talked about how she didn't have one of her fingers, but I know something bad happened to her and to her family.

She isn't here to mourn today anymore. So I will mourn for her today, because I think that was important to her.

17 April 1638

I can't help but talk to Meulin about Karkat. He's so wonderful and I like him so much…I can tell Meulin is a little sick of hearing about him, but she doesn't say anything. She is my big sister. I imagine it's her job to listen to me when I'm being silly.

I love her, and I know she loves me. Even without our mama, we're going to be alright. I'm certain of it.

18 April 1638

I talked to Sollux today and I asked him if he liked Aradia. He went terribly red and said, "N-No! Why would you even ask that?"

"You get very red when you're near her."

He blushed all the way down his neck and said, "So what if I do?"

"Maybe you should tell her," I said, teasing.

"I-I don't know. Maybe."

"Well, I think you should," I said. "You never know!"

He stayed red as I went back over to Aradia and Equius and Tavros, and I told Aradia what he'd said. She looked like she was going to faint clear away!

"I knew it!" I said. "I told you so!"

"Be quiet!" she said, blushing all over. I bit my lip to keep from grinning to big and poked her.

"Alright. But I did tell you so."

She shook her head and laughed a little, nervous. I'm so happy for them! I know they're going to be happy together.

19 April 1638

Things are now much more complicated. Today when Equius was walking me home, he said, "Nepeta, I-may I tell you something?"

"Of course, silly."

"I believe it is prudent to tell you that I…I am also quite fond of Aradia."

"Oh! Equius-why didn't you tell me?"

"She is rather below my station."

"Hey! Don't talk like that! I'm below your station, aren't I?"

He went red and said, "I do not wish to marry you."

"Still, though. Do you want me to tell her? Or find out what she thinks of you?"

"I-No!" he almost shouted. His forehead was soaked with sweat and I saw him wiping his palms on his shirt.

"Alright, if you're sure."

He's silly. I'm sorry I tried to hard to get Aradia and Sollux together, though. It's going to be more complicated now. But then, if Equius refuses to be with Aradia because she's "below him", then that's his own problem, not mine.

20 April 1638

Today was like most days, which is nice. I like when things are the same. It's much easier.

21 April 1638

My garden is growing so well! The flower garden is my responsibility and it's growing very well. All the perennial plants are growing up green and lovely, and I know they're going to bloom in beautiful colors.

It's going to be wonderful.

22 April 1638

Kurloz was over today in the afternoon so I went out to the village to be with my friends. I always do that but especially when my sister clearly wants to spend time with Kurloz. I don't know what they do when they're alone, but I don't think I really want to know.

23 April 1638

Feferi and Eridan and Gamzee were in the village today! I like it when Feferi's around. She's so kind and sweet! Although sometimes I don't think she understands that we are fine here. She tries to take care of us, almost like Mr. Zahhak and Horuss and sometimes Equius, but all the rest of my friends have parents. So I don't know why she's so worried.

Well, she's friendly anyways, which is more than I can say for Eridan. And he smells like fish.

24 April 1638

Meulin and I read a good book tonight in the library together. I could feel our mama missing, but I think it's going to be okay. I can feel where she was, but it's not as sad anymore.

We're going to be alright, Linny and me.

25 April 1638

Another day like the others. I might not need to write that every time, because I know how my days are.

27 April 1638

Yesterday was the same, so I didn't write about it. Today Meulin went hunting, and I asked her if she'd take me, and she said no again. I can hunt but she doesn't like me to. She thinks I'm going to hurt myself. I know I won't! I've been practicing my aim with the little bow and I'm very good. My mama taught me a little bit of how to hunt.

She'll have to take me soon. I'll make her.

28 April 1638

Aradia told Sollux today! She finally just told him and now they're going to be together! Oh my goodness, it's so adorable. I'm so happy for them! It's so wonderful that people get to be in love. I love it!

I just hope Karkat loves me so I can be that happy, too!

30 April 1638

My garden is just starting to bloom. I can't wait until it's in full bloom this summer! I know it's all going to be wonderful.


	2. Shooting

1 May 1638

Today I saw another blossom of primrose, and I can feel the spring in the air. The air tastes different with different seasons. Sometimes I get headaches when the weather changes too fast but when it changes slowly it's just the nice new smell. I like the change in smell because a different air means a different circle. Small circles within bigger circles within even bigger circles, and some huge circles that no one goes all the way around. My mama left her cruel mother and then saved Linny and me from our cruel mother, and I'm going to be a good mother. It's a circle.

I like circles. They're my favorite kind of day.

2 May 1638

Kurloz might bother me sometimes, but today he brought over flowers for my sister and now the whole house smells like them. It's a lovely smell. He brings over fancy flowers of the sort I could never grow in my garden, red roses and such, and they smell wonderful.

I suppose he could be alright.

4 May 1638

One of my favorite parts of the day is when I can bring Equius over for lunch. We sit together and eat and we don't have to be like what other people want us to be. Neither of us are. I don't like when people shout and apparently I talk funny and I don't like to be touched, and he's like that too. We can sit together and be quiet. I taught him to knit so sometimes we knit together. I'm working on a nice new jumper now. My old one's all torn up.

Meulin would tell me to not garden when it's cold and rainy, but if I did that my flowers wouldn't be taken care of properly.

5 May 1638

Aradia and Sollux are so cute together! I hope they get married when we're older. I know that it's a while away-we're only fourteen!-but it would be so cute. My mama was close with her love for four years before they married. And it's fun to tease them about it. They're just adorable.

6 May 1638

Equius and I had lunch again today. It was quite nice to sit together in the library and knit and rest. He's a good friend. He can be awfully silly about how he's upper class and I'm not and how he has to be all proper and tell me what to do, but he can't make me do anything and he knows it. He can try all he likes but he knows he can't. I just stick out my tongue at him and don't do it.

Sometimes I don't do things because he doesn't want me to, to make him feel better mostly, but also because I know if I got hurt Linny would be furious. She'd fix me up, and then kill me.

I'll stay safe. Everyone seems to want me to.

8 May 1638

Equius and I had lunch again today at my home. In the afternoon we walked around the woods and went to the clearing by the creek. I love the creek. It's good to be outside in the sun, splashing around in the creek. Even if Equius acts like he's too dignified for it, he isn't really.

9 May 1638

How could Meulin do this? She thinks she's so much better than me! She told me I can't have Equius over for lunch anymore because we can't afford it, and when I reminded her that we hunt she acted like I don't do anything! She acts like she does all the work in the house and I'm just here taking up food and water and her time.

I don't think she even likes me. She just takes care of me because she has to. I'm pretty sure she doesn't love me. I'm not good at being mad and in the end it just hurts a lot.

I'm not talking to her now. How could I? She's my sister and she doesn't even love me.

10 May 1638

I'm still not talking to her. I won't. Not if she doesn't love me. I think Equius knows that I'm upset but he doesn't know why. He couldn't understand, anyways, because he has parents. He and his brother can fight all they want but it's not going to matter because their parents will still be there.

11 May 1638

I'm still not talking to her. Aradia asked me what was wrong and I told her I'm not talking to Meulin and she asked me why.

"Because she doesn't like me. And she thinks I don't do anything."

She frowned and said, "I don't think she meant that."

"What do you mean?"

"Meulin loves you. I know it. Maybe she's just tired out."

I shrugged. "I suppose."

Maybe she is tired. Still, it wasn't fair of her to get so angry at me like that. I just want to spend time with my friends. Why is that so much to ask?

13 May 1638

It's really hard not talking to Meulin. Besides that she's my sister and I see her every day, she's nice to talk to. It's good having someone else who knows how much it hurts with Mama gone. And she remembers how it was at home, with our old parents. And I love her. She's my sister.

14 May 1638

Our mama died a year ago today.

15 May 1638

One of these days Vriska will do something mad and die. She is going to jump off a roof or dive into the river and she's going to die. She and Terezi like to play bandits, and Aradia and Tavros play guards, and today Vriska brought her father's knives. Equius doesn't let me play with them when they get dangerous like that. I don't mind listening to him then, because I think he's probably right. I prefer playing with Aradia and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska when they're just having fun and not being dangerous.

Anyways, Meulin would kill me if I got hurt playing in the woods. She knows I'm smarter than that.

16 May 1638

Meulin apologized to me today. I'm so glad. I hate not talking to her and I never know what to say, and it's nice that she said sorry. Maybe it wasn't fair of me, either. I wish I knew how to hunt, but I don't, and so I can't.

So I told her I wouldn't bring Equius around for lunch as often. She is pretty busy most of the time, and his family has more money that Linny and I do. It wouldn't be so much of a problem if she'd just teach me to hunt, but she says she won't until I'm old enough. She says I need to be able to shoot with the big bow first. I know she's right-the big bow is more powerful and, when you're good at it, more accurate. I'm just not too good at it yet.

17 May 1638

It's really good to be talking with Linny again. It's just nice to be able to sit and…talk, I suppose. Our mama loved us and she died a year ago and it's good to be able to talk about that with someone again. I know I could talk about it with Equius, but he wouldn't understand really because his parents are alive, and as near as I can tell neither of them is bad.

And none of my friends understand how it was before then, either. I love my mama and I know she loved me, and her and Meulin too. But I know our mama was sad deep down and I know it was hard for her. She loved us-she did. But all the love in the world couldn't fix how sad she was and the darkness in her couldn't go away no matter how much we all wanted it to. Meulin knows it, and I know it, and I know our mama knew it. It was like hole in her heart, and it used to be small but it drained to nowhere and no matter how much light she could pour in, the hole would let it all back out again. And when it got bigger it took even more light and the hole let it out faster and faster.

She worried about us. I think she was worried she might put holes in our hearts, too, and we'd always have that sadness like she did. I don't think she ever could've. All she ever did was love us and try. Like how Meulin does now.

Linny and I have a sadness inside us now, but I think it's going to be alright. We can stitch up the holes.

18 May 1638

I went to the village today with my friends and Aradia and Sollux are still so sweet together. They hold hands when we all sit in the square and I've seen him kiss her on the cheek. It's just too sweet. I wish I had something like that.

I know if I could gather up my courage I could ask Karkat, I might have a chance. But it's so scary! And I don't know how he feels about me. Meulin knew how Carlos felt about her. Or, at least, she could mostly tell. Meulin's good at that sort of thing. She'd tell me if she knew about Karkat, but she doesn't talk to him enough to know.

20 May 1638

Equius and I walked in the woods together today. We passed the clearing with the forget-me-nots, where Mama and her family rest, and Equius asked me why we never stop there.

"That's where my mama is. Her and her family," I said.

"Oh," he said. "Why are they not in the church yard?"

I thought about it, then said, "I-I don't really know."

"It's quite odd, is it not?"

"It's a bit odd," I agreed. "But I suppose my mama had her reasons. She asked us to bury her with her family out here."

Equius nodded. "I hope this is not rude, but your family is certainly odd."

"I suppose. But we're alright, Linny and me."

"Yes, you are."

I think we are. I think we're going to be just fine.

21 May 1638

Horuss came today with Equius to my home. He comes by sometimes to check on us. I think he worries about us. I know his father promised my mother that he'd take care of us, so I suppose sending over Horuss once in a while is one way to do that.

I don't think Meulin will ever ask him for help. She's awfully proud sometimes. If we really need help, it'll be up to me to ask for it. But I'm pretty sure we're alright for now. If we need help, I'll be able to tell because Meulin will eat less. She won't let me go hungry. I just have to make sure she doesn't go hungry.

22 May 1638

I took my friends to the creek today, Aradia and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska. We played battle, where we split up the land by the creek and had to steal our pieces of fabric from each other. It was terrific fun! In the end Terezi and Vriska beat me and Aradia and Tavros, but it was such fun I don't mind losing.

Meulin and I are starting a new book. It's an adventure of the sort our mama went on, that we'll probably never go on. I'm not sure I'd like to go on an adventure, but I do enjoy reading about them.

23 May 1638

I had a nightmare last night. I don't have them as often anymore, but I do still. Linny has them too. I dream about being back with our old parents and my stomach hurts so bad I can't stand up but I have to stand up and keep walking because if I don't they're going to take me away from Linny. Sometimes they're also going to take me away from Mama. So I keep walking even though it hurts but I never get any closer to my family.

I usually wake up when I collapse on the floor and someone comes to drag me away from Linny or Linny and Mama. I'm just glad I wake up.

24 May 1638

I worked on my garden today. I help Meulin with our mama's garden (our mama called it Dolora's garden, who I think was her mother-in-law, but to us it's our mama's garden), and then I can work on my flower garden.

My flowers are growing in beautifully. I brought last year's old dried buds out to lay on the ground so they can be part of the flowers again. My mama always helped me gather up the flowers when they died in the winter so I could keep them warm over the winter. Now Meulin helps me sometimes, or I just do it myself.

I have to keep the flowers warm in the winter. I have to take care of them, since no one else will.

25 May 1638

Meulin had her friends over today so I went out into the woods to play with my friends. Her friends all want to gossip about women and men and sit around drinking tea. My friends and I prefer going outside and doing something.

Well, Meulin can do as she pleases. I certainly won't stop her.

26 May 1638

I hope Meulin teaches me to hunt soon. I've been practicing shooting and my aim is getting better and better. I can hit the targets I drew on the trees from at least twenty paces. I like to practice at least an hour every day, when I can. I'll ask her again today.

27 May 1638

Meulin's brooding about our mama again. There's a lot our mama never told us about her life before she had us, and Meulin always wants to know about it. I'm alright not knowing about it. I think she would've told us if she wanted us to know. I think there were things she didn't want us to know because she didn't want to tell us.

Meulin refuses to read her journals, too. I definitely don't think we should, because they were private, and Meulin won't on principle. But she's curious.

28 May 1638

I've been keeping track of the plants and animals in my other notebook, like I always do, and I think it's been getting colder since I've started keeping track. It's only a little bit, but I've been keeping track and I think the flowers have been blooming a little bit later.

Meulin hasn't noticed. I asked her, but she says it's all really the same in the end. I don't think it is, but then, we care about different things.

It's alright. Between the two of us, I don't think anything gets missed.

29 May 1638

I saw Karkat today! He's not always in the village, although he never tells us why. When he is he can be a bit grumpy, but it's still nice to see him. He is awfully cute. I love his eyes, and his funny hair. He has a nice smile when he smiles, all soft and sweet like good caramel. I so wish I had the courage to tell him how I feel. He's just so wonderful!

Today we all sat and watched the people in the market together. It can be such fun to just sit and watch the people go by. There's so much to see! I like watching the people go about their days. I know just about everyone in the village, since I grew up here and all (for the important parts of my childhood), so it's fun to watch their days. My friends and I like to speculate on what they're doing, although we never know.

It's nice to have my friends around.

30 May 1638

Today Meulin also came into the village, but not for work. She works a lot but sometimes, once in a while, she takes a break to spend time with her friends.

I've told Meulin she doesn't have to work so much, but she doesn't listen. I suppose I am younger than her, so I can't stop her. She'll be okay. We're good at this.

1 June 1638

It's such lovely weather! I'd bring Equius swimming, but he absolutely refuses. He says it's undignified for him and he absolutely will not do something that is so "lewd and depraved". He says swimming leads to all sorts of sin and vice. I told him I just like to cool down a bit in the summer and my mama taught Linny and me, and I'll just go swimming alone if he doesn't come with me.

I won't. I'd only go swimming with someone else, usually Meulin. It's not safe to go alone.

2 June 1638

It's lovely and warm out right now. Meulin and I could spend whole days just sitting in the sun, on the grass, making crowns out of flowers, if only she didn't have so much work. We used to do that when we were younger. I remember one time we went to sit outside while our mama was working, and she thought we'd vanished. She came running out to find us and then when she saw we were safe, I thought she was going to cry.

We made her a flower crown that day. It was such a perfect, golden day.

3 June 1638

Karkat was in the village again today. He is very handsome. I feel a little bit light-headed whenever I see him, like the lightest touch could knock me over. I know Aradia and Tavros have noticed, and Terezi too. Equius didn't notice on his own, or maybe he just didn't want to notice. He knows now anyways!

I wish I could kiss him. It would be so wonderful,

5 June 1638

I helped Meulin in the garden yesterday for almost the whole day. She'd been neglecting it a bit. She and I never remember to weed. Between the two of us, we really should, but we never do. So yesterday we each took half the garden and got rid of all the weeds-all of them, even the big pointy ones we have to get out the heavy gloves for. It took forever, and I even had to go find the big gardening scissors to get at some of the worst weeds.

But now the garden looks wonderful and I know all the plants have plenty of space to grow. Whenever we need herbs, we'll just pluck them and go treat someone. That's all we need.

That, and a trip into the forest for some willow bark.

6 June 1638

While Meulin went hunting today, I went out into the woods with Equius to search for willow bark. I know where the willows grow, so I really brought Equius because I wanted him to be part of the my life this way. I don't want to be the midwife, but I do care about helping people. Anyways, it's fun to walk in the woods with him. He isn't my best friend for nothing.

We got plenty of the bark-the good inner bark, that is. I brought it all back in the basket I use for such things and helped Meulin grind it up properly. She also mixed up the medicine for a woman's monthly bleeding, the kind she keeps in the blue jar.

I'm going to get my monthly bleeding soon, probably. My chest has started to grow outwards a fair bit-I am fourteen. I'm not particularly fond of my breasts, but there isn't much to be done about it. And when I do have a baby (if I have a baby, I suppose), I will need them.

I know it's silly, but maybe when I grow a little more they can impress Karkat. I think men like that sort of thing. I know Meulin's worried about what Kurloz thinks about her body before.

I don't know if I can stand to think too much about Karkat's body before I blush too hard to think. He is very handsome.

7 June 1638

Meulin promised she'd teach me to shoot tomorrow! I'm very excited. She's going to let me use the big bow and arrows that used to be our mama's. I hope I'm as good with the big bow as the little one.

8 June 1638

I got to shoot today! I'm so proud of myself, and Meulin's proud of me too. I hit the target quite a lot. Soon enough I'll be able to hunt on my own.

I can't wait. It'll sure be something to be able to hunt my own food!

10 June 1638

I've been practicing almost every day since Meulin let me use her big bow. When she's not hunting, I take out the bow and arrow and practice. I also practice with the little one, but the big one's more powerful so it's better to hunt with. I hope I'm going to be a good hunter.

11 June 1638

We all played in the woods together today, hide-and-seek really. We set the river and the creek and the roads as the boundaries and then we hide wherever we like. I'm pretty good at that. I have lots of hiding spots! I'm really good at climbing trees, and when I'm up I can jump from tree to tree. So if Terezi tries to follow my tracks, which she is very good at, she can't! I've been up in the trees.

Tavros is really good at finding us. I don't know how he does it, but he's very good at seeking! He says he can tell because of how the animals act in the forest. They're smart enough to avoid people, because we do shoot them, and somehow he can figure out where we are because of that.

I have some very smart friends. I'm so glad they I know them.

12 June 1638

Linny and I finished our adventure book today. It was so wonderful! It had a happy ending, too. The villain went to prison and the hero married his darling. I know it's silly and not really for us strange people, but it would be awfully nice to finish my marriage and come home to marry my darling.

Karkat isn't my darling, but…maybe someday. Someday.

13 June 1638

I did some shooting today with Meulin, and she told me I was learning so fast she couldn't believe it. She said I was already great at shooting. I'm so happy! She's proud of me. She's always been proud of me but it still makes me happy to hear it.

When we were little, Linny used to tell me how proud she was of me for being strong when we were hungry. Now we don't have to be strong anymore because of hunger, but we do have to be strong to keep from being hungry.

So we are.

14 June 1638

I had the dream again last night, about running for Linny and not being able to get to her. Whenever I have that dream, I eat more than usual the next day. I can't be hungry again, because then I won't be able to get to Linny and Mama and all my friends.

Equius knows I have nightmares, but he doesn't ask about them. He worries that we don't eat enough because of how I eat after a nightmare. I've had to explain to him before that we have plenty but I'm growing and so I'm hungry a lot. He's also growing, so he also should be eating enough.

16 June 1638

Today I did a lot of reading. It was raining, so I didn't go into the village, and neither did Meulin. Instead, she read over our mama's book and her mama's book and I read about plants that grow in our area. I know that the plants care about the light and the warmth and the rain, so I keep track of those to figure out how the growing is going to be.

Meulin tells me when I know enough we can know what years to stock up on extra food. We keep extra food over the winter for people who get sick and need it. But if we know we'll need more, because the growing will be bad, we can plant more of our own food and hunt more for the winter.

I hope we have the money to buy some chickens this year.

17 June 1638

I counted up the pennies and we won't have the money to buy chickens this year. It's alright; we can get meat from the woods. One good deer can hold us for most of the winter, and I do like venison.

18 June 1638

Equius's father is ill again. Horuss doesn't want to tell him, but it's clear that his father isn't doing so well. Equius says he can hear the coughs, deep in his father's chest. I'm no midwife, not like my sister, but I know what that means. A cough deep in the chest could mean something much more serious than a little cold.

I didn't tell Equius that, because I could be wrong. But I know he's scared for his father. His mother passed away last year, not too long after mine, and while his family has money he is also frightened to be on his own.

Of course he is. I was.

19 June 1638

It's warm for swimming now. Meulin and I went together today, and we were soaking wet when we got home and laughing like we haven't since…since our mama passed away. She taught us how to swim. She taught us where the eddy was, where it was safe to swim, and how to keep our heads about water, and what to do if we got swept out in the current.

She taught us all of this, and I cannot possibly forget it.

20 June 1638

Meulin doesn't treat Equius's father. I know she could, but she doesn't. I suppose it's because they can afford to pay the physician. Meulin lets people pay her what they can, whatever that is, because we can get our own food. So if someone can't pay, Meulin still treats them.

I've seen her stitch up plenty of cuts from women who don't have their own money. I would never demand payment for such a thing, and neither would my sister, and neither would our mama.

22 June 1638

I finished my new shirt today. I'm growing breasts and so my shirt fronts can't be flat anymore; I have to make them different.

I also went into the market today and sold some of the things I sew to the seamstress. I can do very fine, small work and so the seamstress will pay me a few pence to take some of the more tedious work off her hands. I don't find it tedious, so I do it, and we get money. I also bought a few things we need-milk and flour and a little yeast. We're making more bread tomorrow.

24 June 1638

Equius's father is a little better now, so he's feeling less worried. I'm sure his father will be alright. Despite it all, he's strong. He'll be alright.

25 June 1638

I'm pretty sure Meulin's read our mother's journals, but she won't tell me. She insists she hasn't, but she's always asking questions about our mama. She wants to know what happened. She wants to know what happened between April tenth and April sixteenth in 1623, and what really happened when our mama left her home when she was young. She wants to know what happened to our mama's family.

I want to know, but not that much. I think our mama suffered a lot, and I think that I don't want to know everything. I'm a little frightened to know.

27 June 1638

I've been very diligent about noting when my flowers bloom and when the wildflowers bloom. Today I went for a walk through the woods and checked for the wildflowers. The forget-me-nots have bloomed in the graveyard clearing. I keep track of those the most, because I need them to come back every year. In the same way I take care of my flowers, Mama and her family take care of the forget-me-nots.

28 June 1638

My friends and I played again in the woods today, guards and robbers. I much prefer being a robber. I like to run fast and hide and help my "robber" friends hide our loot. (Our loot is an old bag I sewed a long time ago with some rocks in it, but it's good for hiding and such.) This time Vriska and Terezi and I were the robbers and Aradia and Tavros were the guards. We got away with our loot!

I'm exhausted. It's time for a long night's sleep.

29 June 1638

I started a shawl today. It'll take me some time to do, so I'm starting now so it's ready for fall. I don't always have lots of time to work on my knitting, especially in fall when we're busy preserving.

I do help around the house. I just don't write about it.

30 June 1638

Equius's father is all better, back to normal. I'm relieved. I hope it's not his time, not yet. Equius deserves better than the lot Meulin and I were dealt.


	3. Harvest

1 July 1638

Meulin and I went to Mama's grave today. I can't say I like to go there, or that I feel better for it, but I miss her. It feels right to go to see her sometimes. I still love her. I don't think I can stop loving her-she was our mama, and she took care of us. Most importantly, she loved us.

Meulin likes to talk to her. I usually just…cry. Meulin likes to tell her how we are, about the gardens and how her work is and all about Kurloz and all that. I don't know if she can hear us, and even if she can she can't respond. It feels like being with her when we're in the clearing.

Meulin and me will probably end up in the churchyard, because we aren't illegitimate and everyone knows it. But we'll be with Mama in heaven. I know it.

3 July 1638

Karkat is so handsome. Sometimes I dream about kissing him. I can only imagine how soft and wonderful his lips would feel. I want to touch his hair and feel how soft and lovely it would be. It'd be lovely to just hold his hand. I want to feel his palm pressing on mine and his fingers between mine. I bet it'd be just perfect.

Meulin is always so happy after she sees Kurloz. I hope someday Karkat can make me that happy.

4 July 1638

Meulin was in the village all day, so Equius and Aradia and Tavros and Kanaya came to my house and we played outside and later came into the library for some food and water. Equius can read but the others can't, so I read aloud to them from an adventure story. I can't imagine not being able to read! I don't know what I'd do.

5 July 1638

I've been thinking a lot about God these days. I know God is real, but sometimes I can't believe that God let Linny and me starve all those years. I know God loves me, and it's hard to believe that someone who loves me could let me starve all those years. Our mama never let us starve.

They say in church that if something bad happens to you, you deserved it all along. I don't believe that. I think Meulin might be right. Sometimes people are cruel, and God can't just reach down and fix everything, much as we wish he could.

I pray every night. I hope God is keeping our mama safe in heaven. I ask him to every night.

6 July 1638

Equius knows Meulin and I were adopted when she ran away, but I haven't told any of my other friends. I don't know what they'd say or what they'd think. Equius doesn't really understand, and I'm not sure any of them would either. I don't think I can explain how frightening it is to not be safe in your own home. Linny tried to keep me safe, but she couldn't, not really. She was little just like I was.

None of us save Equius have very much money, but we all get by. It's hard to explain having enough to get by and our birth parents somehow choosing not to.

7 July 1638

It's so warm! Meulin and I went swimming today. The river is delightfully cold on these hot days, and our mama taught us where the edges of the eddy are so we don't get caught up in the current. She said she did once, but her love pulled her out.

I'd like to have met our mama's family. They sound like lovely people.

9 July 1638

Meulin worries a lot about Kurloz. I know he has a stressful kind of life, being a duke's son and all, but at least he always has food. We have to find all our own food and she does a lot-maybe even most-of that work. He's never had to worry about his next meal, and we've always had to.

I don't mean to resent him. I don't think I do, usually, except when he takes up all of Meulin's time. But I don't think it's fair that some people have more food than they'll ever need and the rest of us have to work every day so that we can eat.

10 July 1638

I can't stop thinking about Karkat! He's just the most wonderful boy I've ever seen. Sometimes he's in my dreams with that lovely messy brown hair of his. I just want to feel how soft his hair would be and hold his hand in mine. I know Meulin's done these things with Kurloz and I suppose I'm a little bit jealous. That's the sort of thing you can do if you've been with someone a while.

We all played in the forest today, including Vriska. Equius doesn't like her, but I think that's because she's so brash. I don't think he realizes that there's a part of him that thinks women like Vriska and Terezi and me shouldn't be so outspoken like we are. Men are like that. They don't realize they think women aren't as smart or thoughtful as men, but they do. I suppose that's why my mother considered her love such a unique fellow-he knew that's not true, even deep down.

11 July 1638

I worked more on my embroidery today, the things I sell in the village. We don't make much off of them, but it's enough for some milk and lard and such. It's good to sit at home and work on the embroidery sometimes. I like embroidery quite a lot. Meulin thinks it's tedious, but I think she's silly. She just can't sit still.

12 July 1638

Meulin asked me today what I think about God. I told her I believe in God, and I believe God loves everyone, and we should follow Jesus and be good to people. She looked terribly relieved, and I asked her what was wrong.

"Oh, nothing."

"I don't like it when you lie to me. Witches shouldn't lie!"

She sighed at me and said, "Alright, Kitty. I just worry because I don't much like the preacher here. I don't want you to think something's wrong with you."

"I'm different. We both know that."

"I know. But it's good different. You know that, right?"

"I do, Linny." I poked her tummy and said, "You worry too much! You're like an old lady."

She put on a voice and bent over and said, "You young people! Always going around calling your older sisters old ladies."

I laughed like she knew I would and said, high-pitched like I was little again, "Us young people are too quick for the old folks to catch!" I ran away out the door and she chased me around the front meadow until we were both too tired to run anymore.

"I love you, Kitty."

"I love you too, Linny."

I do.

13 July 1638

Equius and I went walking today and I asked him about his father.

"He is doing better."

"That's good." I could tell he was still worried, though. "What's worrying you?"

Equius looked at me oddly. I'm not sure if he was annoyed or still worried or just tired.

"My father's health has been declining for some time. Almost a year now. I…I worry that he may not have long left."

"I'm so sorry," I said. "You know we'd help you, right? Meulin and me. We've been on our own for a while now." I poked his arm and said, "Maybe I can teach you to shoot!"

He smiled a little and I drew myself up to my full height and puffed my chest out and said, "Won't you let a proud huntress teach you to shoot with a bow and arrows?"

He smiled a little more and said, "I humbly accept. Although I must insist you defer to my higher position."

I rolled my eyes but let him be silly like he is. I don't think he means to be rude about it, but he's always thinking about how his family is much higher class than mine and I don't think about it at all. I think he's some sort of baron, so I think my birth family might be higher than his? I don't know, and I don't really care, either. Someday it will, perhaps, like how Meulin and Kurloz have all sorts of problems because he's a duke and she's common. But for now we can just be friends, and it's fine.

14 July 1638

It rained today. It doesn't rain much in July, but when it does it's such a relief. The day cools and there's plenty of water everywhere. The river and creek run high, which is lovely, and Meulin likes to sit out in the rain sometimes. I think it makes her feel better. Our mama used to go out in the rain sometimes, and I think it helps Meulin feel closer to her.

That's why I like to be in the library, or out in the woods. That's what Mama used to do, and I like to feel close to her.

15 July 1638

I finished a needlepoint today! I did one that says John 3:16 and has a lovely design of flowers. Everyone likes to quote that one, especially Reverend Maxwell, so people would buy it. Tomorrow Meulin and I are going into the village to sell our things and get some money for milk and such.

We also have to make bread tomorrow. I like to knead and Meulin likes to mix the dough, so we work together to make our bread. We'll need more yeast soon, too. That's tomorrows chores sorted!

16 July 1638

People are willing to pay quite a bit for my needlepoint! We got everything we needed. I think I want to be a seamstress when I'm older. I'd love to spend my life sewing the most beautiful dresses anyone's ever seen. I want to make beautiful things. In the same way Meulin wants to help people, I want to make things beautiful.

And I like wearing beautiful dresses! It makes me happy. Linny and me used to pretend we were real princesses instead of little nobles. I always wished we had big, lovely dresses to go with the story.

17 July 1638

Equius and I practiced shooting with the little bow and arrows today. I don't have terribly good aim yet, but I'm practicing almost every day. Equius…isn't quite as good. He can't seem to hold the bow right, even when I show him how. Well, someday he'll get there!

He's fired off maybe two arrows, and neither even got close to our target. I don't think I'll tell him he's not very good. He'll get better with time and practice, like I have!

It's fun to play at being a real huntress. Someday I will be!

18 July 1638

I am not particularly looking forwards to growing into my adult body. I know I'll be taller and stronger when I'm done growing, but I'll also have my bleeding and I don't want that. Meulin always complains about it, and I don't want any of that. I know I'll get it, but I'm not excited about it.

Equius is lucky. His body won't do that to him. He'll just get bigger and stronger. I'm jealous! I'd much prefer that.

19 July 1638

We sang the Cutty Wren today in the woods, Aradia and Tavros and Equius and me. Equius doesn't know the words as well, because it's a song us poor folks like to sing, but I was John the Red Nose with him. I like singing that song because our mama used to sing it and she said it was a story about doing what she used to do-hunting to feed those who can't feed themselves.

I want to help feed people when I grow up. I won't be the midwife because I can't stand that work. My sister can; blood turns my stomach. But I'll help her gather food to feed the people who come to her so hungry they can hardly stand. It's important.

20 July 1638

I know Meulin tries to not act like Kurloz is more important than me, and mostly she doesn't, but I know that deep down one day I won't be. She'll have a little child of her own, a daughter I'd bet, and her new family will be more important to her than me. She must know I know that.

I'll miss her. But I'm going to have someone of my own and maybe my own little children and it'll be alright. We'll always be sisters.

21 July 1638

Karkat came with us today into the woods because Sollux came because Aradia came, and it was such fun! We divided into two and played guards and thieves. I got to be a thief and Karkat was a guard and he chased me! He chased just me for a time and it was wonderful. I know that sounds absurd but he wanted to catch me!

In the end I got away and the thieves won and by then the sun was getting ready to set and it was time to go eat dinner with our families. We're still young, the lot of us. We have time before we're on our own as grownups.

22 July 1638

Horuss came to our home again today for tea, and Equius came too. I wish Meulin would have Kanrki over sometimes so I could spend time with Karkat, but Meulin doesn't like Kankri. I don't, either, really. Kanrki thinks he's very smart but he thinks women should know their place and neither Meulin nor I can abide by that.

Karkat is better. He acts all angry, but he's angry to everyone at once. He doesn't act like Aradia and Terezi and I can't play guards and thieves with them, even though we're girls. He's better than his brother, and his father.

Our mama always told us that people don't have to be like their parents. I know they don't have to, but I do want to be like my mama. She was a good person, and I will be too.

24 July 1638

Equius and I read today. It was nice to sit with him and read together. I like Equius. He's a good friend.

25 July 1638

I love all of my friends, but today I didn't see anyone and it was very good. Meulin likes to see her friends every day, but I'd much rather spend time resting at home and doing my needlepoint or my embroidery.

I want to make these things when I'm older. I want to make the most beautiful skirts and dresses and things. I think I could make good money doing that.

26 July 1638

Equius doesn't like Karkat at all. I wish he'd stop going on about it! He thinks Karkat has no respect and should learn how to keep his mouth shut (not in so many words, of course). And I suppose he's a little bit right. But he also says things about how Karkat is a bastard and need to learn a bastard's place, and I don't believe that for a second. I keep telling Equius that and one day he'll learn.

27 July 1638

I wish I knew what to say to tell Karkat how I feel about him. Meulin says it's hard for everyone, but it's worse for me because I don't say things the way other people do. I never had the chance to ask our mama how she did it, and I know we could find out from her journals, but Meulin won't let me read them. I don't see why not. Our mama would've told us everything in them anyways, once we grew up, and now she can't. I want to know what she would've told us.

I still think Meulin's read them and she won't tell me. She's trying to protect me like our mama did, and I know she means to do the right thing. But I'm sick of not knowing, and I miss her so much. I want to know everything about her. I'm so sad sometimes and it feels like all too much, like I'm all full up with broken glass and it's pressing on the inside of my skin so hard I can only cry, and there's nothing I can do. I just want to know about her, because I think knowing would make it easier to know she's gone.

I know we're going to be alright, but it's so hard.

29 July 1638

I'm going to turn fifteen soon. My body is going to start changing soon, and while I'm not too excited about that I'm not as annoyed as Meulin was. I still catch her glancing down at her breasts and frowning when we're running or gardening or hunting. Thank goodness for a good corset.

30 July 1638

My sister's going to be eighteen soon. She's the age to get married, but she says she won't until I'm old enough. I don't want her to treat me like a little girl but I don't think I'd be alright on my own now. I couldn't lose Linny and Mama so close together.

Kurloz is surely going to propose to her, though. I can see it in her eyes when she talks about him, and in his when he comes for lunch. He sits and gazes at her like the sun shines from her eyes. I wish Karkat looked at me like that.

I wish anyone looked at me like that. It'd be nice to have someone who loved me so much.

1 August 1638

I don't know what I'll get Meulin for her birthday. She likes romance novels and warm blankets and cooked onions and dill and poppy seeds in her bread and tea with just a little bit of honey, and I suppose somewhere in there is a lovely gift for her.

I don't have much money on my own, but I can trade my embroidery for nice things. I'm good at embroidery. Meulin can't sit still for long enough to finish even a good daisy. She's like a bunny sometimes, always jumping from one thing to the next.

I think I'm going to start doing work for money with my embroidery. If someone gave me their nice skirt, I could embroider it and make it all lovely.

2 August 1638

I don't have enough money for a new book. I suppose I could make one of her shirts all pretty, on the collar and sleeves. She always likes having pretty things to wear, and looking nice. I don't think that much about how I look, but then, Meulin has her Kurloz to impress. I have Karkat to impress, but I'm not sure how much he'd even notice if I wore nicer clothes.

One of these days I'll have to offer to teach him to sew a patch, because he desperately needs to learn. Ever since his own mother died his family's been struggling since they're all men.

I'm glad Meulin and me were raised by our mama. I wouldn't want to be a man at all. They can't get anything done on their own.

3 August 1638

There is something particular about watching Karkat when we're all in the village. I know it's absurd but I can't seem to stop looking at him. He has the most wonderful face. The way his eyebrows move when Sollux tells him silly things or when Gamzee is in town and runs off to investigate the apothecary's stand is just too fascinating. He doesn't smile much, but when he does it's quick and small and fast, like the water bubbling down the creek. People smile like water, I think. Meulin smiles like the river, big and loud and all the time. And Equius smiles like a little puddle someone threw a stone in.

I don't know what I smile like, but I try to be cheerful for my friends. I want us all to be happy and so I do my best to be happy for them.

4 August 1638

Tomorrow is my birthday! I'm going to be fifteen. I don't think it will feel much different than fourteen, but I suppose it's a gradual change. By the time I turn sixteen I won't feel fourteen anymore. I'm sure Meulin doesn't feel fifteen anymore.

I hope eighteen doesn't come too quickly. I'm not sure I'm ready to be on my own yet without my sister.

5 August 1638

Today I turned fifteen! I don't feel much older, but I'm sure I will. My friends and I, we're growing up. My sister's friends are old enough to be getting married and having their own jobs. My friends and I, we're just learning to do these things. I'm learning to hunt and tend the garden and find food in the woods, and I'm learning to trade for milk and yeast and such.

Equius doesn't have to learn these things. His family has servants who do it all for them. No wonder he's always a bit baffled by the tea kettle.

7 August 1638

It's too hot. I don't like it when it's like this. I feel like I'm going to boil away in the heat. Meulin hardly needs to boil bandages in this kind of heat-just leave them outside. I don't really understand the point of boiling them but Meulin says it's important to keep them clean. She knows what she's doing.

8 August 1638

Meulin hasn't noticed her favorite skirt gone missing yet, which is good. I've been putting the little flowers our herbs and plants in Mama's old garden put out. Little yellow one and the big white ones and all that, with leaves in between them. Meulin likes pretty clothes, and I want to give her something beautiful for her birthday.

9 August 1638

Equius doesn't understand what I'm doing for my sister. He says I could just buy her something, and I had to explain to him that that's not the point. I want to show Linny I love her and I'm doing it by making something for her. Equius said I could buy something for her because it would show I know what she likes. I know I could, but it feels more meaningful to make something.

I know we have different ways of going through life. I hope he understands mine, since I'm trying to understand his.

10 August 1638

I read another book about plants today. Mama organized the library pretty well, but not perfectly, so sometimes I find a book I'd like to read where I didn't expect it.

I don't know where all these books came from. Some are gifts among our mama's old family, from before Linny and I knew her, but most of them don't seem to be from anywhere. Our mama said that before her and before her mother-in-law, her mother-in-law's aunt and uncle owned the house. I suppose they put the library together.

I wouldn't trade it for the world.

11 August 1638

We made a lovely stew today. I wrote down the combination of vegetables and herbs we used so we can make it again.

12 August 1638

Meulin said she's going to invite her friends over on her birthday. I suppose I'll excuse myself to the woods with Equius and Aradia and Tavros and Terezi. I like her friends well enough but they're not my friends and they're all grown up. I'm not. I don't want to be, yet. I think there's a reason we're not adults until a certain age. I want to be a child a little while longer.

13 August 1638

I don't know what we're going to do on our mama's birthday. I'm not sure I'll see anyone except Meulin. We may just sit at home with tea and cry a little.

14 August 1638

Equius is worried about me. He's not terribly clever about people, but he can tell when I get sad about Mama. One day I'll bring him to see her grave and maybe he'll understand about how she's gone and it's going to be a long time before I can be alright with that.

Maybe September. Some time it doesn't hurt so badly.

15 August 1638

Meulin's birthday was today! I gave her the skirt in the morning with our breakfast and she grinned so big I thought she might hurt her cheeks.

"It's beautiful, Kitty."

"Thanks, Linny."

"I was wondering where this skirt went."

"You could have asked!"

"I thought I lost it," she admitted. Meulin loses things in a way I don't.

"Well, here it is. It's all flowers from Mama's garden."

"Oh," she said softly, the way she does when she's pleased and surprised. "Kitty, it's beautiful."

"Thanks. I'm glad you like it."

"Of course I like it! You made it for me."

I'm glad Linny likes it when I make things for her. I try to be a good sister, since she worries so much about me. She is a good sister, when she remembers to be.

16 August 1638

My friends and I all sat in the clearing with the pine tree in the middle today and talked about what we'd do when we grew up. I'm going to keep doing my embroidery, of course. I can also knit fancier things than most people. My blanket looks like it was woven, and I'm quite proud of that. Equius wants to invent things. Sollux said he's going to be a farmer and Tavros said he'll keep cattle, and of course Aradia wants to keep sheep. Aradia likes sheep.

Kanaya wants to be the midwife like Meulin. I said Meulin would surely teach her since I don't want to be the midwife, but Kanaya said she won't have time for a little while because of her sick aunt. Her aunt Barbara's been sick for a very long time, long enough that she moved here from the city, and Porrim and Kanaya are supposed to take care of her while her mother and father work. I think Kanaya said her father has three sisters, but I only recall two aunts. I suppose the third is dead, and it seems rude to ask.

Terezi wants to be a lawyer, and Vriska a pirate. Of course. Neither of them really know what they want to do, yet, but their families are of high enough status that they won't need to do anything when they grow up. They'll be the women of the house. It really won't suit either of them. I rather hope they find something to do.

And Karkat! He wants to be a writer. He didn't say much else, just that of course he'll farm like the rest of the family but if he has time he might write some. When he learns.

He doesn't know how to read and write! I must teach him.

17 August 1638

I think it will take some time to ask Karkat if I can teach him to write. Partly because I doubt his pride would allow it, but mostly because I am much too frightened to ask. It is very hard to ask Karkat if we can spend time alone together, and I can't right now.

18 August 1638

Meulin was all in a tizzy today and when I asked her, she said Kurloz wants to marry her.

"Of course he does," I said.

She went terribly red. "I'm sorry?"

"He's always looked at you that way. He's been sweet on you since forever. Of course he wants to marry you."

"Oh! Well. Um. It won't be until you're old enough-eighteen, at least."

I felt a little bit surprised, but then, she does feel responsible for me. And I'm glad she's going to be around while I keep growing up. I'm not done yet.

19 August 1638

Equius refuses to go swimming but he'll sit with me with his bare feet in the creek, even in his britches and coat. He wears proper clothes most of the time, even though it would be easier for him to wear more comfortable farming clothes. I dress like all the other common folk which makes it easy for me to take off my shoes, too, and put my feet in the creek when it's warm.

I think the summers are growing colder.

20 August 1638

I don't know what we'll do on our mama's birthday. She should be forty-three. I don't want to remember it but I know I will.

22 August 1638

I didn't do much of anything today. Neither did Linny. We sat in the library together and I picked at the hem of my skirt. Meulin cast on a hat but didn't do more than three rows. I tried to work on my embroidery but didn't, really.

I normally can do things for hours in a way Meulin can't, but today neither of us could do anything.

23 August 1638

Yesterday was our mama's birthday and today Meulin did her work in the village and I weeded the gardens and practiced hunting and spent time with my friends. And tomorrow we will do what we do every day again, and it keeps going.

Onwards, then.

25 August 1638

Equius asked me today if I'm going to get married someday.

"I suppose I will."

"Don't all women?"

"Well, most everyone does." I thought for a moment. "But I do have things I want to do."

He makes a strange face when he thinks.

"Do all women think that way?"

"Do all women think what way?"

"That they have things they want to do."

"I suppose so. All the women I know do."

He thought again, for a while.

"Don't men want to do things, too?" I asked.

"I do," Equius said. "All the men I know do, as well."

"I suspect we all want to do things with our lives," I said, and we sat in quiet for a while and thought it over.

26 August 1638

Meulin's new hat is double-ribbed and made of a really love shade of green. I ought to make a new pair of mittens. I'll need some lighter weight yarn, though.

28 August 1638

There are plenty of days where nothing particularly interesting happens. It's quite nice. Today was one of those, and so was yesterday, and I'm glad.

29 August 1638

The harvest has been bad this year. The summers are growing colder. It's a very good thing that Meulin and I can hunt.

31 August 1638

I don't have nightmares as often anymore, but I had the nightmare last night about being back with Linny and my old parents, so hungry I couldn't think at all. I dreamed I was alone and hungry and empty and Linny wasn't there and neither was Mama and it hurt so bad.

I ate too much today, and Linny noticed, but she didn't say anything. She does it, too, sometimes. We're both hungry, still.

1 September 1638

It is far too much of a hassle to keep writing every day. I've been trying to, but I think for now I will save it for when something important happens. And then I won't use so much paper.

5 September 1638

It's harvest season. For the past four days, Meulin and I have been preserving food from our garden as well as a lot of the meat we catch. She worries we won't have enough, because we help feed people who don't have enough when it gets cold. And the harvest wasn't as good this year for the farmers. Meulin and I grow little enough that we don't see the huge losses of crops like some people do, and it's our job to take care of people, so we always store extra food.

I like harvest time. It feels very warm and comfortable to be in a house full of our stored food and the smell of preserves.

7 September 1638

I don't see my friends as much during harvest time. We all need to be home, helping our families prepare for winter. Well, most of us, anyways. Terezi's and Vriska's families don't do as much in the way of preparation, and Equius's family has servants that do all that. He comes to my home sometimes, and I like to see him when I can, but he understands I'm very busy.

Well, he doesn't, but he tries to, and that counts for a lot, I think.

13 September 1638

Sollux's brother is going to marry Terezi's sister soon. They both think their older siblings are being absurd about it, but I think it's sweet. I'd love someone to be so excited about marrying me. Frankly, it would be nice to have anyone so excited about me at all. Equius is always happy to see me, but never really excited. And Meulin spends about half the time happy to see me and half the time irate and pretending she's not.

She thinks I can't tell. I wish she wouldn't pretend.

16 September 1638

It's much better writing less often. I think this is much better.

Today my friends and I went into the woods and piled up leaves to jump from the trees into. I know where all the best climbing trees are, and the big pine tree in the middle of the clearing by the creek is the perfect place for such things.

Equius insisted he was "too dignified" for such things. He can certainly be silly when I let him! But I didn't let him, so he climbed up the tree with us and balanced on some of the higher branches, sitting closer to the trunk than is strictly necessary.

Karkat and Sollux don't come and play as often. I wish they would.

20 September 1638

I'm not sure where I would even start teaching someone to read and write. I don't remember much about our old home, although Meulin says we had a tutor. I remember it, of course, but not as well as once we were away and our mama started caring for us.

I sat down today with some books and tried to think about how I'd go about teaching someone to read, and I realized I don't have the faintest idea. Mama had these cards with images, but I don't know where those are anymore. I don't think I can ask Meulin. She'd get all upset about our mama's privacy or she might just cry when she's alone and she thinks I can't hear.

23 September 1638

Today we all played a game, Aradia and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska and me. I tried to get Equius to join, but it didn't work this time. It doesn't always.

Anyways, we spent all day in the woods, a break from harvest work, and hid from each other in the whole forest. I'm very good at hiding, partly because I mostly wear green and brown, but mostly because I know the woods better than anyone, even Linny.

I'm glad we ran away. Well, I'm glad Linny came back for me. I'm not sure what I would've done if she hadn't.

27 September 1638

Meulin and I are almost done with the harvest work. It will be good to rest a little when it's done, although Meulin doesn't really rest much. She just does something else.

This winter I'm going to sit down and get better at my embroidery and knitting. I started today. I cast on a sock and it's going to have a nice toe if I have anything to say about it. Our mama taught me how to toe socks, but I'm still not very good at it. I'm also learning how to knit little cats stuffed with fabric scraps, maybe for Button to play with. Button likes to sit on my lap when I work or read, and it'd be nice to have a toy for her.

I like having a cat. She's very soft.

30 September 1638

Harvest is mostly done. Now my friends and I can spend as much time together as we like, save all our usual chores. So, not terribly much time, but enough. Always enough.


	4. Dancing

1 October 1638

I went for a walk in the forest today by myself, and I noticed that every step felt like home. I felt down in my bones that this is home, and I was home. It's hard to explain. It's just that every step sounded of home.

5 October 1638

Meulin agrees with me that the woods feel like home. When we go to the clearing with the pine tree in the middle, the one by the creek, it feels right. I love exploring off the paths and climbing up trees to get better views and sitting in strange places to read. Meulin fusses when I come home with little scrapes on my arms and legs, but I can see she's glad I love the forest. And they're not deep or bloody.

Meulin just fusses a lot. She's worried about me. But I'm fine. I miss our mama all the time and I'm scared of growing up and sometimes everything with my friends feels so complicated I can hardly stand it, but I know I'm going to be alright in the end. I have my sister and my friends, Equius most of all, and I'm going to be just fine.

8 October 1638

The harvest has been bad this year. Meulin and I haven't had trouble, but people who farm properly have. Sollux and Aradia and Tavros's families and a few others have been having trouble. Harvest season is not so joyful this year as it usually is. I love harvest time normally because everyone's so happy, but this year it's tense. It makes me nervous. I hope the winter is warm and short, for all our sakes.

11 October 1638

I had a terrible nightmare last night. In my nightmares I'm always hungry. Sometimes that's all it is-I'm alone in my old bedroom, and I'm so hungry it hurts. I feel like I can't keep my balance when I try to walk up and my vision goes dark when I stand up, and my insides ache with this terrible itching, burning feeling.

This one also had Linny in it, were playing our old games, where Linny's a witch and she's teaching me to be a witch too, except we were doing real magic and our old parents found us and we got in trouble and the hunger came back, like it always does.

Meulin can always tell I've had nightmares because I eat lots the next day. I can't help it. The feeling of being hungry stays with me for a long time after I wake up.

14 October 1638

I asked Equius today if he's ever been hungry, and he said yes, and so I asked him how long. He looked terribly confused and said, "How do you mean?"

"I mean-when I was little I was hungry all the time. So…seven years? Eleven for Linny. How long were you hungry?"

"Not more than a few hours."

"Oh."

"I am sorry."

"What for?"

He blinked. "It…it saddens me that you experienced that."

"Um, thanks," I said. I didn't want him to feel sad, but it was nice that he was sad for me. "I'm not anymore. Meulin and I can get our own food."

"If you are ever hungry again, I am certain my family would provide assistance."

"I know. But we're doing fine."

"Are you certain?" For a moment, he looked so scared I was scared too. I think Equius is scared of losing me, like I'm scared of losing him. It never really occurred to me that he might feel that way about me. But he is my best friend! Of course he'd love me like I love him.

My goodness, I hope people don't think we love each other like my sister and Kurloz, though. I think that would just make everything so much more complicated.

18 October 1638

The fall colors are really beautiful. Meulin and I went for a walk today and she told me what's going on with her friends. One of her friends (a man, naturally) is playing with her other friends' feelings, including Equius's brother. I'm very glad my friends aren't like that. Maybe we will be when we're older, but for now none of us are doing nonsense like that.

I like Tavros, but his brother doesn't seem like a nice man.

21 October 1638

I'm so excited for the festival! I'm going to wear a pretty skirt from last year that I put new embroidery in. I've been practicing my dances and I hope it goes well! I'm going to ask Karkat to dance. I will! I'm nervous to but I'm going to do it. Aradia says I should and then her and Sollux and Karkat and me can all spend time together as couples.

Sollux and Aradia don't seem to be doing much different than they did before, except holding hands sometimes, although I suppose they do spend a little more time together. But they're happy, and that's what matters.

23 October 1638

Tavros and I went out into the woods today and we were talking about the festival when he confessed to me that he likes Vriska! I think she's kind of scary, but then, I like Karkat and Tavros is a bit frightened of Karkat.

He said he's going to ask her to dance at the festival! I told him about my plan to ask Karkat and he smiled, so soft like he does, and said he wished me luck. Tavros is very kind. I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends.

27 October 1638

I can hardly wait! The closer it gets, the more excited and the more nervous I get. What if he says no? For that matter, what if he says yes? I don't know what I'll do!

I'm all in a tizzy! Equius has been very patient with me, and so have Aradia and Kanaya. Just a few more days and I'll be dancing with Karkat! He's so handsome. I think about touching him sometimes, because I can only imagine it would be wonderful. Meulin practically dances around after Kurloz kisses her.

I'm sure I will be walking on air after I dance with Karkat. He's so wonderful.

31 October 1638

I didn't do it tonight. I almost did! I got so close but at the las moment I got scared and I didn't. I danced with the rest of my friends, of course, the big dances we all do together, and with my sister, but not with Karkat.

Tomorrow. I'll do it tomorrow for sure.

1 November 1638

I did it! I danced with him today! Oh, it was wonderful. It wasn't a slow dance, not really, but it was a partner dance and when I asked him he said yes right away! He's very warm, and his hands aren't soft like Equius's but I like it that way. He works outside, so he doesn't have perfect skin, but he's soft in the ways that matter, on the inside.

I think I danced well, and he was a wonderful dance partner. I felt like I was floating when we held hands. It was just wonderful.

He didn't say anything else to me besides the usual friendly conversation, but I didn't mind. He talked to me, which is more than I can say for some people I've met, who know I'm different and don't give me the time of day because of it. He was perfectly kind to me, or as kind as he ever is.

Meulin teased me when it was time to go home. She saw me dancing with him and she couldn't help but to give me that grin she does when she's involving herself in someone else's loves. I know she means well, but I went all red anyways.

I'm still thinking about it! I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep tonight. I'll try, but I simply cannot stop thinking about how it felt to dance with him. I felt like my stomach was dancing with me, and my heart felt like a woodpecker against my ribs. I can't stop smiling!

I best try to get some sleep. I have chores to do tomorrow.

3 November 1638

Equius is terribly confused about my excitement, but I think he understands a little because I asked him how he would feel if he danced with Aradia and he went very red. I'm still thinking about it! We danced together! I've danced with lots of people but it still feels important.

Linny thinks I'm being silly, I can tell, even though she hasn't said anything. It's the way she smiles at me. She isn't making fun, I don't think, not like her friends do sometimes. But she sees me like I'm still a child. I'm fifteen! I'm young, but I'm not a child anymore.

6 November 1638

Sollux's older brother is going to marry Terezi's sister! They're going to have a lovely wedding in the church and then move to a cottage next to Terezi's family's land, where they'll farm. Sollux's family are farmers and they don't teach smithing to women, so they'll farm. Anyways, Terezi's family doesn't use the land for much. I think they rent it, maybe.

Come to think of it, while I know we own our house, I'm fairly sure the land isn't ours. No one's ever bothered to stop us from exploring it and hunting on it and making that clearing our graveyard. We have the papers that prove we own the house and the garden, but nothing about the forest.

Well, until someone tries to stop us, I see no reason why we should. It might as well we ours.

8 November 1638

Oh my goodness! Kurloz proposed to my sister today! I always knew he would, but he did today and he gave her the most beautiful ring. It reminds me of the one my mother always wore that she said her husband gave her as a promise. Meulin won't stop looking. She looks absolutely radiant with happiness. And she's going to let me help her make her dress! I'm so excited.

But it won't be for a while. She's not going to get married and leave until I'm old enough. Old enough. She means when I'm eighteen, so when I'm an adult to the law. I wish she wouldn't treat me like a baby. I…I don't want her to leave just yet. I'm only fifteen. But she doesn't have to wait until I'm an adult. I reminded her that she was only seventeen when our mama passed, and she told me she wasn't ready and she wants to be sure I'm ready when she leaves.

I'll be ready. I'm not a child. People think I am because I don't like to talk to strangers and I can't pronounce all the words I know but I'm not. I wish Meulin wouldn't treat me like one.

11 November 1638

I already know what I'm going to embroider on Linny's wedding dress-forget-me-nots. They're such a lovely flower and they're…they're ours, in a way. The clearing with the forget-me-nots is where our mama is, and the little blue flowers grow around our house where the gardens aren't. And it's a lovely name. We could never forget each other, Linny and me. We're sisters. We always will be.

15 November 1638

Feferi and Eridan and Gamzee came down to the village today to see us. I managed to avoid the boys, but Feferi and I sat in the square on the fountain and talked for a while. I told her about my sister and her friends, and Feferi told me about how things are in the palace.

"I'm going to be married soon, probably," she said idly.

"Oh?"

"Well, I'm fifteen. Meenah's engaged to Cronus, of course, to strengthen ties within the country. I've met with a prince in Germany, and one in France. Less likely Denmark, or Spain, or Holland."

"Are you going to leave?"

"Of course."

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"Well…I'd never want to leave. I'm not going to have to go anywhere until I want to. So I don't have to leave my house and my forest and my garden."

"I don't know," Feferi said. "I suppose I don't want to have to have children with a strange man. But it's my job, and I've seen the palaces-they are beautiful. It would be a nice life."

"There are men here you might marry."

"I suppose. My mother isn't particularly keen on marrying my sister and I off too quickly. It's nice-more time to learn."

"Doesn't it bother you?"

"Doesn't what?"

"Being a…a…a bargaining chip."

Feferi blinked at me, then said, "I never thought of it that way."

"I'd hate it," I said. "I can't even imagine. I hope my sister's daughters don't grow up with that hanging over their heads."

"Why would they?" Feferi asked, and she still seemed confused.

"She's marrying Kurloz."

"Oh, right."

"Meulin's going to teach her daughters to be the midwife like she is."

"Well, I'm going to teach my daughters how to be royal, like I am," Feferi said. "I don't think it's so bad a life."

"I suppose not," I say. "You certainly have all the food you'll ever need!"

"Don't you?"

I blinked. "Feferi, we hardly ever have enough."

"But there's plenty."

"Well, yes, but we don't get it."

"I-that's odd. I best tell my mother." It is…strange, to remember that I'm friendly with the princess of our country, second in line to the throne. She meant she was going to talk to our queen, Her Majesty Queen Candas. It's very strange.

Anyways, I suppose Feferi will try, but I doubt anything will change. My mother tried to move the whole country and nothing changed.

And I still can't imagine being in her place. I have-I have time, I suppose. And I never even have to get married if I don't want to. At least I'd never be hungry again, in her place.

19 November 1638

It's getting cold again. It's the hungry time of year. My sister and I always preserve more food than we think we'll need, to help feed those who can't feed themselves and…and because we might not have enough someday.

I'm scared to go hungry again. I know Meulin won't let us, and I won't let us either, and our mama never did, but I'm scared.

21 November 1638

It's been cold, but today was the first day it snowed! Oh, it was beautiful, like a light coating of sugar on everything. Our mama used to say that the snowflakes were made in heaven and tossed down by the angels for us to have on the earth. Maybe she's making them now, just for Linny and me.

24 November 1638

It's going to be Advent soon. Meulin and I got out the candles today, and the rest of our Christmas things. We're going tomorrow to get branches from the forest for wreaths, and then we're going to decorate! I'm very excited. I love Christmas. Everyone feels happier and the world feels a little bit warmer, and there's a sense of plenty about. It feels like there's enough for everybody-enough food, enough warmth, enough love.

Meulin thinks of it differently than I do. Our parents made us hungry. They starved us, even though we had enough. It's different, to her. I always thought about being hungry. Meulin thinks about it like being alone. She talks about it like our old parents could've held us closer and instead they didn't. I think that's why she always wanted hugs from our mama.

She doesn't just say it, of course. But we have enough now.

28 November 1638

Today was the first Sunday of Advent! Mituna and Latula were just married and now it's Advent, and it's so wonderful. Everything is just lovely right now!

Maybe I'll dance with Karkat again at the Christmas festival! Oh, I'm so excited. I don't much like my winter cloak, but the festival is so warm and the dancing so fast that I'm sure I won't need it. And perhaps, just perhaps, it can grow to something more.

Slowly, we'll get there.

1 December 1638

The best part about winter is getting in bed underneath all my warm quilts and feeling so comfortable I could stay there forever. I love having lots of blankets on my bed. There's something about the weight of them.

When it gets really cold, sometimes my sister and I curl up in the kitchen, near the big fire, and stay warm together. We used to with our mama, too, when it got too cold to do much else. The fire in the kitchen is always hot and we keep it going all the time. The little ones in our rooms aren't bad, but the big one in the kitchen is the warmest.

Of course, we cuddle Button, too. She knows how to keep warm in the winter, and it's by snuggling up to me or Linny, or by getting under our blankets. It's good to have Button around.

5 December 1638

Today was the second Sunday of Advent. We lit the candles today and talked about what makes us joyful. I'm still happy about dancing with Karkat! And I also talked about Button. Meulin talked about Latula and Mituna and their brand-new marriage. I'm very happy for them. I hope I'm that happy when I'm married. I hope Kurloz makes Meulin that happy. I still don't like him that much, but I know Meulin likes him. And I suppose that's what matters, in the end.

7 December 1638

My friends and I went out into the forest today and threw snowballs at each other and it was so wonderful! It's such fun to play in the snow. I know we're too old for play, but it was fun. I hope it doesn't all go away when we grow up. I don't want to stop enjoying life when I'm an adult.

I don't think Meulin has lost all fun. We still play together sometimes.

10 December 1638

It's our second Christmas without Mama. We're going to cook a fancy dinner like we did when it was the three of us, but I think I'm still going to think about Mama and miss her. I don't know if I can not miss our mama. But it's going to be alright, I think. We'll manage. We talk about missing Mama and it gets a little bit better.

12 December 1638

Today was the third Sunday of Advent! It's the pink candle today, and we talked about how peaceful everything feels when the snow has fallen and the world is quiet. And we talked about Mama some, too. I told Linny how I miss our mama's stories and her pretty smile, and how she always told us she was proud of us.

I know she was proud of us, and I know Meulin's proud of me now. When we go to the clearing with the forget-me-nots and talk to her grave, I can almost feel her smiling at us when we made crowns out of daisies in front of the house. I still miss her, though. I don't know if I'll ever stop.

15 December 1638

Christmas is so soon! I'm very excited. It's going to be wonderful to go into the village and dance, and cook with my sister, and trade presents, and of course fall asleep with Button curled up with me. Button likes to sleep in bed with me. I think she just likes that I'm really warm. Well, I like that she's really soft, so I suppose it all works out.

18 December 1638

I don't know what I'm going to get Meulin for Christmas. I suppose a book would be good. I have some money from selling my needlework in the village, and maybe it's enough for a book. Meulin loves romance novels, especially ones with happy endings. I prefer books about adventures, or ones about real life. I like books about the plants and animals around me. I want to know everything there is to know about the world around me! There's so much to it, so many plants and animals and rivers and rocks and stars and clouds. I want to know about all of them.

I know a few constellations, and I point them out to Linny when we walk home at night. I know Orion in the winter and Cygnus in the summer, and Cassiopia and the Big Bear all year round. We can navigate by the North Star if we need to.

Like the Wise Men, we can follow the stars where we need to go.

19 December 1638

Today is the fourth Sunday of Advent. It's for love, and so we celebrated all the love we have. My sister and I love each other, of course, and we love Button, and we have all of our friends, and Meulin's engaged, and it's all just lovely. Our mama loved us to, and we still love her, and I know that as long as I live I will have people I love who love me back.

It's going to be alright. I know it will be.

23 December 1638

I found the perfect book for Meulin! It's a romance novel in French. The man who had it was selling it for very little because he doesn't know French. Our mama taught us French and little bit of Russian, and Meulin loves French. I'm so excited to give it to her! I think she's going to love it.

25 December 1638

Christmas today! Meulin and I cooked pudding and the green beans with the nuts and a roast and we had a feast, us and Button, and we fed Button the scraps. I miss having Mama around to cook with, but it tasted almost as good with three as with two and it felt so good with be home with my sister. We're going to be alright, and I know it when we hae Christmas together.

Oh, and she loved the book I got her! I could see her eyes get bright and happy. And she gave me everything I need to make a toy cat, so even when Button's out mousing or on Meulin's bed, I can still cuddle something soft while I sleep. Cuddling with people is too much. When people used to hug me when I was little it hurt, but Button's little and so it's fine. I think a toy cat would be much the same. I'll start tomorrow!

28 December 1638

The cat is coming along nicely, although Button seems somewhat displeased. I hope she's not jealous. She's much too smart for that. She's a smart cat, which is part of why I like her.

Meulin keeps having Kurloz over for lunch and I know they're in love and engaged and everything, but it's still irritating that he's always over. Sometimes I want to have lunch with Linny and not her fiancé. I don't think that's too much to ask. I know she's going to get married and leave someday soon, and I'd just like some time with my sister before then.

31 December 1638

I finished the cat today! I named her Blue because she's made of blue fabric and she lives on my bed. Button likes cuddling her, too, so we can both cuddle in my bed when it's cold like it is now.

Tomorrow is the new year. It's going to be 1639! I'm so excited. Maybe this year I'll tell Karkat how I feel, and I'll get to have my own romance, like all my friends. It's going to be wonderful.


	5. Confession

1 January 1639

Happy New Year! My sister and I had lunch together today. There's a while future ahead of us and we talked about everything we want to do this year. There's so much to do in the new year. I'm going to turn sixteen, for one. Meulin promised to teach me to hunt when I turn sixteen, and my aim is only getting better. Equius still can hardly get an arrow off, but we all have different skills.

Meulin's going to get married soon, I'd wager. I mean, she is engaged now! For real! She tells me she's going to wait until I'm old enough, but I'm going to be old enough soon. I'm not a baby. I'm fifteen! My goodness, Feferi's my age and she's going to be married soon. I'm not a baby. I wish Meulin wouldn't treat me like one.

3 January 1639

I went to Mama's grave today, on my own. The forget-me-nots don't grow in the winter, but the snow reminds me of her, too. I cleared out a space where her headstone is and told her all about Karkat and Equius and Aradia and Sollux and Kanaya and Tavros and everyone else, and about Meulin and Kurloz and Horuss, and I told her how Mr. Zahhak is still trying to take care of us like he promised (I assume he promised, since he acts like he did). And I told her how I am, of course. I told her I'm keeping a journal.

I also asked her a lot of questions. I know she can't answer, and I know I'll never know, and now that she's with God she might not even hear me, but I have to ask. (I know she's with God, for we were hungry and she gave us something to eat). I asked her about what all happened before she had Meulin and me, and what happened to Meulin before she came for me. I asked her what her life was when she was my age. There's so much I don't know about her. There's a lot I don't know about Meulin, either, but I can ask her in a way I can't ask Mama.

I climbed a tree and sat there for a while and then went home. It wasn't how I normally do things, so it was odd and a bit disorienting, but I managed. I suppose that's how Meulin figured out I was feeling odd. But then, we both have some odd days.

It's good that Linny and I have each other. I'm not sure what we'd do otherwise.

6 January 1639

Equius came over today like he said he would and we went walking in the woods, following the path to the river. We passed the turn for the graveyard and Equius, for the first time, asked me where it went.

"We have never been down that path."

"I know."

"Why not?"

"It-it goes to the graveyard."

He looked confused. "It does not lead back to the village."

"No. It's not the churchyard. Just…the graveyard. My…my mama is there."

"Oh." He paused. "Why not the churchyard?"

"So she could be with her family. Her husband, first son, mother-in-law, and best friend." I felt like crying but I wasn't sure he'd notice.

"I am sorry," he said. "We do not have to go that way. I know how much you cared about her."

I nodded. "I'll show you someday. Just not today. When the forget-me-nots are blooming."

He nodded back and said, "Whenever you feel ready."

"We…we can go see your mother, sometime. If that'd be alright."

"Someday," he answered.

We didn't say much else, but we walked to the river and back. We both miss our mothers. We share that, and so we don't always have to say it, which is nice.

10 January 1639

It snowed very much today, so I stayed inside and cooked and sewed and knitted and did some of my work writing down which animals I see and when. Horuss and Meulin had lunch and Equius came, too, so we sat in the library together and read. Equius forgets sometimes I can read. I don't think he means to, but none of our other friends in the village do, so it makes sense that he would. He always looks embarrassed when he forgets, so I know he doesn't mean to.

Anyways, we had a good afternoon. I like spending time with Equius and my sister.

13 January 1639

I practiced shooting today and when Equius came by, I tried again to show him how. He almost broke my bow! I made him let go after that. I've been using our mama's old bow to practice, when Meulin doesn't need it to hunt. I'm not sure what we're going to do when we're both hunting, because the small bow isn't as good for it. Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I suppose.

Anyways, he's not allowed to practice with my bow anymore. He feels bad about it and said he'd bring his own so we could practice together.

17 January 1639

I'm going to try to tell him soon. I'm going to tell Karkat how I feel! Every time I see him I feel like I'm floating. He doesn't smile often, but when he does, I swear it's like the sun shining out from behind the clouds. I feel like I could fly.

I hope he feels the safe way. He can be mean but I don't think he means to be cruel. He doesn't say mean things about my mother or my sister. He's kind when he wants to be, but he doesn't let on how he's feeling, ever. I know how people are feeling usually, but he never says it. So I have no idea how he feels about me! It's very frightening.

I might ask Meulin. She told Kurloz, and he's a nobleman. She must know how this all works. Maybe I can practice with her. It's good to practice before doing something, I think. That way you're already good at it.

That said, I feel like I've got a mouthful of nettles whenever I think about telling him-before Meulin makes them into tea.

20 January 1639

I practiced with Linny yesterday, and I know what I'm going to say no matter what! If he says he likes me back then I'll ask him if he wants to go for a walk together. I think it'd be lovely to go walking to the river with him. I'd show him all the best climbing trees and the beautiful clearings, and the creek of course! One of these days I'll follow the creek to where it comes from. Our mama did once, I think.

And if he says he doesn't like me then I'll tell him it's fine and I'll go home, and Linny said she'd make me tea. If he's mean about it I'll yell at him like he yells at everyone else, and then Linny will make me tea. My friends will be there for me, of course. Equius doesn't quite understand why this is so important to me, but he's so kind when I'm upset. He'll just sit with me and let me be upset until I want to talk or walk, and if I cry he'll hold my hand and wait with me until I'm done. Of course Aradia and Kanaya and Terezi and Tavros will be kind and fun to spend time with.

Meulin will certainly tear him apart if he's cruel to me. I'll ask her not to but I know she'll want to.

22 January 1639

Oh, I'm so nervous! I talked about it with Aradia and Kanaya today.

"What if he says he doesn't like me?"

"It'll be fine," Aradia said. "I promise."

"Yours likes you!" I pointed out. I was lying on the edge of the fountain, staring up at the sky. I like when there's something to press my back against.

"It's frightening," Kanaya agreed. "But you can do it."

"I also could just…not do it," I said.

"And never know?" Aradia countered.

"Would that be so bad?" I asked.

"If he does like you, then you could be with him," Aradia said.

"And if he doesn't, then you can see who else there is."

"I don't know who else there is!" I said. "He's…he's the one for me. He's so handsome and wonderful…"

"There are other men," Aradia said.

"And women," Kanaya said.

"Oh?" I asked.

Kanaya went terribly red. "I-well. You know the family who moved here from the city? The Lalondes?"

"Yes," I said.

"Well, there's a daughter. Our age."

"Yes, Rosalind," I said.

"Rose," Kanaya said, blushing even redder. "She was named after her aunt."

"Have you been talking to her?" I asked, excited. "Tell us everything!"

"She's very smart," Kanaya said. "And she's not afraid to show it. There's so much to say. And she's funny, too. And…and very beautiful."

"Oh, you're sweet for her!" I said. "You should tell her!"

"Hush," Kanaya said. "And-and what about you! My goodness."

"I will," I said impatiently. "But tell us about Rose! We don't know her."

"She's from the city," Kanaya said. "She grew up there, and her family moved here when she was thirteen. You remember. She loves to read philosophy. She reads! I suppose that's what it's like to grow up in the city."

"You should bring her to meet us sometime," Aradia said.

"She can bring her friends, too," I said. "Aren't there other people from the city?"

Kanaya nodded. "Yes! John and Dave and Jade. We'll all meet."

"I can't wait," I said.

"Oh, you changed the subject!" Aradia said. "You ought to tell Karkat."

"I-soon," I said. "I promise! Soon."

"I'll hold you to it," Aradia said.

24 January 1639

Aradia and Kanaya bothered me again today. And I'm going to do it tomorrow! For real. I'm so nervous. But I'm going to do it! I have to. I'm going to.

25 January 1639

I feel terrible. I didn't know I could feel this bad. My stomach hurts and I think I'm going to cry. He said no.

I found him in the village today and I told him I wanted to say something to him, so we went a little further from the rest of our friends and I said, "I-I just wanted to tell you. I really like you. And I'd like to-to see you. Romantically." I felt like my heart was beating up to my hair and down to my toes. I've never been so nervous in my life.

He looked very uncomfortable and said, "Um. No thanks."

"What?"

"I don't-I don't like you. Like that," he said. I think he was going to say something else, but I squeaked like a mouse and I felt that awful feeling in my throat that means I'm going to cry.

"I have to go." I said and I ran home. Meulin tried to talk to me but I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to be left alone forever. I hate everything. I don't know why I even bothered. Why should he like me? Everyone knows I'm different.

I can't write anymore or I won't be able to read it. My hand is shaking too badly.

27 January 1639

Equius came to see me today. I was in my room so he came up and sat on my chair while I laid back on my bed and cried some more.

"I am sorry," he said.

I sniffled.

"You…you are a wonderful person," he said. "You are my dearest friend. He does not know what he could have had."

"Don't tell me you like me that way," I groaned.

He blinked. "I-no, Nepeta. I only wish to tell you that you are a good person and friend."

"Good," I said. "I-you're great, too."

He smiled a little, genuine like he usually isn't, and he sat with me while I was sad until it was time for dinner.

29 January 1639

I went into the village today but just to see Aradia and Kanaya and Tavros and Terezi, because Equius said they're worried about me. I suppose that's expected. I was gone for a few days.

They were all kind about it. Aradia said he's not good enough for me, not by half, and Kanaya said he's mean anyways and Tavros said I'm very nice. I know they mean it but I wish he liked me back. It still hurts. I just feel like crying. I came home and cried some more and I cuddled Button, which was nice. At least Button doesn't care if no one likes me. And she's very soft.

31 January 1639

I can't stand to see Meulin and Kurloz right now. I know it isn't fair but they're so lovely-dovey with each other and I just can't handle that right now. Whenever he's here I just go somewhere else. I can stay in the woods for hours if I remember my warm cloak.

2 February 1639

I've avoided seeing him for a while now but we ran into each other while I was doing some shopping. I was in the market, and I just finished selling my work, and I was going to buy some eggs from Mrs. Hill when I saw Karkat buying milk. He saw me and he met my eyes and I shoved the money at Mrs. Hill and ran away. I don't want to have to see him.

The eggs are fine. We can't afford to let them break. Everything's more expensive now with the bad harvests.

5 February 1639

I've been tending the my garden so it's ready for spring. At least my garden can distract me. My primroses and carnations would never make fun of me.

7 February 1639

My stomach hurts. I'm just not very hungry and my head hurts, too. I just feel awful.

I don't want to cry this much. I didn't even cry this much when Mama died, although then I mostly didn't feel anything at all. Sometimes I still don't. I just feel tired and cold and empty. Sometimes it just feels like I'll never be happy again. I just want to curl up in my room and cry for the rest of my life.

I don't know. I'm just tired.

10 February 1639

I know I should talk to my sister about all this but I don't want to. She has a boy who loves her back. It's not fair. Everything is easy for her. People like her and she's good at things, and she can do things easily. It's not fair.

Her friends were here today so I went out into the woods to be alone. I thought of going to see Equius but I don't know if he'd want to see me. I hardly ever go to his house anyways, because he has an estate of a sort. I feel strange there. It's hard to explain, but I feel out of place. It's a place for rich men and quiet women. I may be different, but I am not quiet. Our mama taught Linny and me not to be quiet, and we aren't.

Maybe I'll go see him tomorrow. I feel…a little lonely.

13 February 1639

I went to see Equius today. He hadn't been over because his warm cloak needed mending. I was starting to worry that he didn't like me anymore, but he said he wasn't allowed to go see me without a warm cloak. That makes sense. Meulin always makes me wear my warm cloak when I go out in the winter months.

Anyways, we went out into the woods together and sat on the log in the clearing near the creek, and we talked about not much. I told him I was really sad about Karkat not liking me, and he said it definitely wasn't going to be easy but I would feel alright again.

"How do you know?"

"I do not wish to remind you of old pains, but you have seen much worse."

"I guess. This just feels a lot more personal. Like there's something wrong with me."

"I assure you nothing is."

I shrugged.

"There is-you would say there is nothing wrong with me, correct?"

"Of course! You're my best friend."

"Do you wish to marry me?"

I blinked. "I-no, Equius. I-"

"You see?"

"I see what?"

"You see how we enjoy each other's company and hold each other dear, however we do not hold romantic feelings towards each other?"

"Oh. Yes, I see." I felt a bit better at that. And it's the most gentle Equius has ever been about anything, especially considering how little he likes Karkat. He always thought Karkat wasn't good enough for me. I know he's illegitimate, but so was my mother's husband, and he was always a kind man. Or perhaps it's that he shouts so much and he can act really mean. He isn't but he acts it. He's the opposite of his brother that way. Kankri acts nice but he's not, not really.

Maybe I should talk to Meulin. She's nice and she acts it.

15 February 1639

I talked with Meulin today, finally, partly to tell her not to go scream at Karkat. I can tell she wants to.

"He wasn't mean, Meulin. You don't have to shout at him."

"Alright, Kitty," she said. I know she still wanted to go yell at him, but since I asked her not to she won't.

"I'm just sad," I sad. "He said no." I didn't know how else to say it.

"Oh, Nepeta…it's alright to be sad. It's perfectly alright. It hurts a lot when someone turns you down." She had that soft face she has, when she's hurting for me. Sometimes it's kindness and sometimes it's pity, and I really can't stand it when she pities me.

"You don't know, you have Kurloz," I said, feeling annoyed. She has her love.

"I do, but you remember Paul. He said no when I told him I liked him," she said.

"Oh," I said. I didn't remember that, but when she mentioned it I recalled some silly thing she never even told our Mama much about.

"It hurts a lot, and that's perfectly alright. Oh, Kitty…I'm so sorry. He doesn't know what he's missing," she said, as I expected.

"Not much," I said, still cross. "I'm different. He knows it. Everyone does!"

"So what if you're different? You're still an amazing person. You're good at most everything you try and you're brilliant and creative and kind, and you're very pretty, too. If he doesn't like you because you're different, he doesn't deserve you," she said, like she has to. She's my big sister.

"But I want him to!" I said. "I still like him!" I know it's silly and a little bit pathetic, but I do.

"It'll fade, Kitty," she said, and I don't think she was lying

"I don't want it to. Maybe he'll change his mind!" I said. I know it's stupid to be so hopeful but I can't help it.

"Or maybe he won't," she said, trying to be gentle. "Sometimes you need to let these things go."

"Easy for you to say. You're engaged," I pointed out.

"That's not fair," she said.

"Yes it is," I said. "You have someone who likes you back."

"And you will too, someday, if that's what you want," she said. "But it might not be Karkat. It could be someone else. You just need to keep your eyes open."

"Fine," I said. I know she was trying to help, and she is a little bit right, but I still like him. "But I'm going to keep liking him."

"Fair enough," she said. "Just…please don't let him hurt you."

"I'll try," I said with a little smile.

I will. But it still hurts, a lot.

19 February 1639

I felt a bit better today when I went into the village. I spent time with my friends and I didn't cry at all. Maybe I will be alright, in the end.

22 February 1639

I saw Karkat again today on accident, because our village is not that big and we have all the same friends. Aradia and Kanaya saw, too, and so they got me away so I wouldn't have to talk to him. My friends have been very kind about it. I just wish they didn't have to.

I know it'll be alright in the end-everything is. I wish it didn't have to hurt so much in the meantime.

25 February 1639

I feel terribly sorry for Meulin right now. A baby didn't make it a few days ago and it's always hard on her. I caught her crying in her room, so I sent Button over to cuddle with her. Button likes being in my room, but Meulin needed a cat to cuddle her more than I did. Meulin can have Button as much as she needs for the next few days.

It's hard for Meulin when she loses someone. She works hard to keep people alive and healthy, but sometimes there's nothing she can do, and that's very hard for her. It's another reason I couldn't do her job.

I do love my sister, even when she's frustrating.

27 February 1639

I'd expect it to be a bit warmer this time of year, but it isn't and I suppose that's just how life is sometimes. I just hope the ground thaws in time.

1 March 1639

It would've been nice if Karkat liked me back. I still think it would be nice, if he changed his mind. I'd like to hold his hand and walk with him in the woods, take him to all my favorite spots. I think it would be wonderful to kiss him. Meulin blushes red as a rose when I ask her about kissing, so I know it must be good.

I'm glad it's getting warmer out. Things always feel better when it's warm out.

4 March 1639

The snowdrops are coming out, and they are so lovely. I love those little white blossoms poking out of the cold, hard ground to see the bright spring days. There's always something nice about seeing the flowers come out after a long, cold winter. Maybe it's just that I know things will always make a full circle again, and come back around to where it's warm and safe.

It's going to be so nice when the daffodils first sprout. Them and the crocuses remind me that you can wait underground all winter and still come out beautiful.

It's another circle.

7 March 1639

We're getting ready for spring, Meulin and I. We're getting out the seeds, and Linny's preparing the house for spring with the spring quilts and such. I've been getting the garden ready for planting-the flowers in front and the herbs and vegetables in the back. It makes me feel better to know that we'll be able to grow our food again. It makes me nervous when we run low on food. I know between Linny and me we'll never go hungry again, but I still worry.

Meulin would never let me be hungry. I won't let her be hungry, either. Not ever again.

11 March 1639

There's some nonsense going on with Meulin and her friends. I'm glad my friends aren't like that as much. We don't have any love triangles or cheaters. Meulin's told me some of what's going on, and Aradia said her sister is…not doing well. Kanaya's sister thinks this is because men ruin everything, which I suppose is sometimes true. Men do ruin a lot of things. Tavros's brother isn't particularly happy about how it all turned out, but Tavros told me privately that he does not feel that bad for him. He was nervous to say so and I promised I wouldn't tell anyone else. (My journal doesn't count, because no one else reads it or ever will.)

Anyways, while I'm sad Karkat said he didn't like me, I'm glad he didn't lie to me. I think that would've hurt the worst.

13 March 1639

I felt a bit better today. I felt like smiling more than I have in a while. Linny's glad for me, I think, since she's been smiling back at me. She's happy when I am, and I'm happy when she is.

I worry a little bit about my sister. I can tell she's worried about Horuss and Kurloz, since they don't get along so well. And Kurloz is under a lot of pressure from his father the duke. I feel sorry for him. Mama never told us we had to do anything, just be happy and make the choices we wanted to. It must be hard to live life with your father molding you like that.

He does seem to love Meulin, though, so I suppose he wasn't raised that bad. I've seen the way he looks at her, like she set the sun in the sky for him. I wish someone would look at me like that-Karkat, specifically, but I suppose that's not going to happen.

Button will always love me, I suppose. And Linny, of course.

16 March 1639

Kurloz was over for dinner tonight. I suppose he isn't so bad, really. He was kind to me and he listened to me when I talked about my project to figure out when the plants and animals come out throughout the year. I think he's trying harder to be kind to me, since he knows how much Meulin and I care about each other.

I'm a bit torn. I'm glad she won't be getting married until I'm eighteen, but I do wish she wouldn't treat me like a child.

20 March 1639

I sold my needlepoints and such in the village today, and bought more yeast and milk, and worked to begin the gardens again. Linny and I have been working in the garden together and it's nice. I like working with her. It makes me feel…safe, I suppose. My sister and I are growing our food together, and we're going to be okay. We're not going to be hungry and we're not going to be separated again, not until we want to. And we'll never be separated against our will, not ever again.

22 March 1639

Feferi and Eridan and Gamzee were in the village today. Luckily the boys went off to do whatever it is boys do when they feel like being dumb, so it was Aradia and Kanaya and Feferi and I sitting on the fountain and talking.

"Sollux is awfully cute, isn't he?" Feferi said.

"I sure think so," Aradia said.

Feferi looked at her, questioning.

"We're seeing each other," Aradia said.

"Oh! I'm sorry. Not to impose," Feferi said, going pink. "Sorry."

"No harm done," Aradia said with a little laugh. "I do think he's cute."

"Not as cute as Karkat," I said.

"You would say that," Aradia teased.

"Men," Kanaya said dismissively. "They're not worth it."

"Then who do you have eyes for?" Feferi teased.

Kanaya went pink and I answered for her, "Rosalind-Rose. She's new."

"A woman?" Feferi asked.

Kanaya only went redder.

"Tell me everything! Feferi said.

We did, and she was so excited with us! Kanaya promised to bring Rose to meet us, and the other new people to the village. I'm very excited.

26 March 1639

I went to sell my things in the market today and then Kanaya finally brought her lovely lady and friends to meet us! There's two boys and two girls-John and David (Dave) and Jade and Rose, of course. I've never met someone who goes by Dave before, but then, most of my friends and I have odd names, so I suppose it's all the same. I like Jade! She's kind and cheerful and she likes animals like me. She also likes science and she can read some, so we talked about the biology we know. She also wishes she could go to university, and she is very smart.

I'm glad we got to meet these new friends! They seem like lovely people. Rose is very brassy and sarcastic, but I can tell she's a good person underneath. Her cousin Dave is the same, brash and a bit obnoxious but not a bad person underneath it all. And John is sweet, a bit awkward but kind underneath it all. They're good people.

I'm lucky, I think, to have such good friends. They're wonderful. No matter what, I have the people around me, and they're the best people I could hope for.

30 March 1639

I think I'm going to be alright. I saw Karkat today and I didn't have the urge to run away screaming, which is nice. It…it still hurts. But Linny's right. There's nothing wrong with me. And I'm going to be alright.

Like our mama would say: onwards, then.


	6. Best Friend

1 April 1639

The planting is fine for us but Sollux said it isn't going as well for the farmers. His family's having some trouble, and Aradia and Tavros said the animals also seem a bit off. I think it's the cold. It's been awfully cold. Sollux said the ground's been frozen longer and the crops take too long to sprout.

Meulin and I have been changing to food that doesn't need as long to grow, but not everyone can do that. It's different having a farm and having a garden. I'm worried about my friends' families. I don't know what we'll do if it gets colder.

4 April 1639

Meulin's fretting about influenza, since it's been getting worse lately. She's always got a lot to do in the village, between people getting sick and people getting pregnant, so whenever people get more sick she gets nervous.

When she's gone I mix up the medicines. I couldn't do the work she does, for a lot of reasons, but I like mixing everything up. I follow our mama's and her mama's recipe book and make anything that we don't have much of. I always make the pain medicine in the blue jar and a few others too. Meulin appreciates it. It means she has more time to work with people, so she can treat more people and spend more time on them.

I like being able to help people, however I can.

7 April 1639

Maude from the village came to our house today looking for Meulin and I felt terrible telling her that it was just me. But all she needed was some medicine that we always have so I gave it to her and sent her on her way. She'll pay us back in the end. People always do.

10 April 1639

I asked Meulin again today when she'll teach me to hunt and why she won't get married yet, and she said, like always, it's because I'm not old enough. She just won't budge! You'd think I was nine instead of fifteen. Well, she said when I'm sixteen she'd teach me to hunt and that's just a few months away. And I'm very good with the bow and arrows! I've tried to teach my friends but none of them seem to get it. Equius surely doesn't. He has his own bow now so he won't accidentally break mine, and he's almost broken it more times than I care to count. I love him, I really do. He just can't seem to nock an arrow with any delicacy, or pull back the string without almost shattering the bow.

I suppose we all have our skills. I'm not half as strong as he is and I suspect I never will be.

14 April 1639

I wish I knew more about our mama. I asked Meulin today but she doesn't know more than I do. I miss her so much. We didn't have parents before her, Linny and me. A pair of people conceived us and one gave birth to us, but we didn't have parents who took care of us like parents are supposed to before our mama.

I just wish I'd asked her more when she was here. She had so many stories, and I know there were more that she never told us. She had a long and interesting life and I wish I'd thought to ask before she got sick.

I've thought about bringing her some food, to her grave. I know she's with God and doesn't need food but the idea of my mama being hungry makes me feel sick to my stomach.

17 April 1639

Equius's father is a little bit sick again. It's rarely serious, just a little cough, but it's still a little scary. His father's been sickly for a while, and Equius worries, but I know Mr. Zahhak will be alright. I can feel it.

I always tell Equius so. I remind him that everything is going to be okay and his father is going to be fine, and no matter what I'm going to be his best friend and he'll be mine. He's family as much as Meulin is, almost.

He definitely felt better when he went home. I know he has trouble talking about his feelings so I'm glad I can help him. I tell him he can feel sad or nervous or scared, and he reminds me that I'm never going to be hungry again. It's alright.

20 April 1639

The flowers are starting to put out little green buds, poking out to test the air for spring. Meulin and I have been tending to Mama's garden and I've been working at mine, and it looks like the plants are going to be alright despite the late thaw. Our carrots are growing nicely, and the cucumbers are also looking good. The beetroot should be sprouting soon too. I like beetroot. It's delicious boiled with a little bit of salt.

I'm in charge of making stew this week since two women are due to give birth soon so Meulin's very busy. I get to make it without celery.

23 April 1639

Meulin's going to go treat Equius's father in a few days, after she finishes checking up on Mrs. Bennett who had her baby yesterday. I know she'll do a great job-she always does.

My friends and I went into the woods today and explored out to the river. There's an old rope bridge there my mother says she and her friends built when they were young and we think we're going to try to fix it up so we can explore on the other side of the river. Tavros is nervous about it, because he's nervous about everything, but I know we'll be fine. We're good at things and all we have to do is fix the old bridge, not build a new one!

26 April 1639

Linny told me when she went to treat Mr. Zahhak he thought she was Mama and now she knows he killed our mama's love and maybe lied to our mama about her best friend and that Mama's maiden name is our last name.

"How is that even possible, Kitty? How can we be related? Her father was a trader."

"I don't know."

"And how could they be friends if Mr. Zahhak killed Mama's love? I'd never forgive someone who hurt Kurloz. What did he lie about, with Simonn? I mean, we don't know much about him, but he must be dead now. I don't know…"

"There's a lot we don't know," I said.

"It's so confusing, Kitty. I don't even know if I can ask him. He's not well. I don't know."

"You can ask him," I said. "I know he'll tell you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said. "I'm sure he would." I can't say why. I just am.

"Maybe," she says. "I don't know. I just wish we knew our mama better."

"Me too," I say. "I miss her."

Linny nodded, and we had tea together.

30 April 1639

I know my sister will get married someday and I wish she wouldn't act like I'm still a child who needs a parent, but I am a little scared. I…I'm not sure what I'll do when she's gone. She'll be keeping her own house and I'll have to keep mine alone. I hope I can keep our mama's house by myself. I want to make sure it's lovely and clean and welcoming, like it was when our mama was alive. I want people to feel welcome in my home. I can't treat anyone's illness like Linny can, but I can feed people who are hungry and I can be a friend when someone needs it.

At least, I hope I can. I hope I'm good at hunting and that I'll be alright on my own when Meulin gets married. I really, really hope so.

2 May 1639

Meulin's getting her fiancé to ask his father about our mother, which is a very complicated way of saying that Kurloz is going to find out for us what happened to our mama. I hope she tells me what he tells her. I don't want her to try to protect me so much that I never know who our mama was. I know she wasn't perfect. No one is. Meulin doesn't think I know that.

I'll tell her I do, and I'll tell her not to worry too much. I know our mama wasn't perfect but she loved us and I love her, and we're going to be alright.

5 May 1639

My friends and I worked on the bridge today. The river's high right now with snowmelt, and I'd say it's too late for snowmelt but it's happening later every year. Anyways, we went out to the bridge and I balanced really carefully on the old ropes and strung the new ones across. They tied a rope around my waist and Equius held it in case something broke, and Aradia and Tavros braided the ropes and handed them out to me, and Terezi tied the knots. And also some nooses.

Terezi is hilarious, even if she can be a bit morbid. She's very good at tying knots-she learned it from a book.

I didn't fall in the river. Equius was very nervous that I would, but I'm the smallest and the best at climbing so I was always going to be the one to be on the bridge before it's fixed.

Vriska's going to come tomorrow, too. She makes me nervous. I don't think she'd cut the ropes while I'm over the river, but I don't doubt she'd shake the bridge and make me think she was.

8 May 1639

Meulin told me that Kurloz told her that his father told him that our mama was a rebel, and she wanted to make some changes that Kurloz's father didn't like, the changes she told us about. And then she told me that our mama's family was arrested and held and executed, and that Mr. Zahhak did kill our mama's love.

She tried to change things, our mama. She wanted to make the world better and she suffered for it. I can hardly understand why she would forgive Mr. Zahhak, but she trusted him with us and our safety, so I know he must be a decent man. I know she wouldn't tell us to trust him unless she trusted him absolutely. She protected us; she'd never put us in danger.

Anyways, I trust Equius. He'd never hurt me.

10 May 1639

I wish Meulin would spend a little more time with me. She'll have her whole life with Kurloz. It'd be nice if she'd spend some more time with me and it'd be nice if I didn't feel a little bit like a second thought to her.

Well, I have my own friends. I'm fine.

13 May 1639

I've thought about asking Equius to ask his father about my mama, but I'm not sure it'd be a good idea. I don't want him to think I don't trust him, and I don't want to upset his father too much, but I do want to know why he did what he did. He must've known what he was doing. I don't know the whole story, but he was an executioner. I can only assume he executed her love. I'm sure my mother knew, and I'm sure she decided to be friends with him despite that, but I wouldn't want Equius to misunderstand. I don't want to ruin anything. He's my best friend in the world. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't my friend.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow. We're going to have a lot of fun working on the rope bridge.

16 May 1639

The bridge is going very well! We're mostly done replacing the important ropes and we just need to fix the handrails. Now that it's sturdier Aradia and I both go out on the bridge and tie ropes to one of the big tree branches, so if we fell our friends could pull us back out. Tavros braids the ropes and Equius passes them out to us, and Aradia and I tie them on. Kanaya was outside with us today, too, doing the finer work. Kanaya has a wonderful talent for fine needlework and such, so she did the sewing and such you need to do for ropework.

Goodness knows I couldn't build a bridge alone! It's lovely to have friends. One person couldn't do this alone. I'm very glad we can all work together. I suppose that sounds a bit silly, or trite, but I love them all so much. I don't know what I'd do without them.

18 May 1639

I hope Meulin's going to be alright. She's been working herself to death and recently she's actually taken time to rest. I don't want her to get sick. I don't think I could handle it if Linny got sick now. And I do worry about her. She worries more about me, surely, but I worry about her, too. She's my sister! I watched her starve for years and years and I can't do that again.

I couldn't watch anyone starve, really. If someone came to our door hungry I could never turn them away. I hope the farms grow well and I hope Tavros's cows and Aradia's sheep make it through the cold winters. I may ask Aradia for some wool to knit people warm winter clothes, so no one has to shiver in misery this winter.

I suppose I'm like my sister and my mother this way. I can't stand to see anyone else suffer. There are worse traits to have inherited.

21 May 1639

Today we all went to Aradia's family's ranch to see the sheep. They're very friendly creatures, and they don't mind when we pet them. They don't really do much of anything, besides wander around and eat grass. It's Aradia's job to watch them a few times a week, and she says they never do much and all she has to do is poke one if it wanders too far away. But she does care about them. She and her sister both do.

Anyways, we sat on the fence at the edge of the field and watched the sheep together. Damara had to get the water today so we helped her, too, Aradia and Tavros and I. We also talked about Sollux and Tavros told us he has his heart set on someone-Vriska! I almost couldn't believe it. Vriska isn't exactly our kindest friend, and Tavros has a good heart even if he's frightened to act on it.

"Really?" I asked.

"Well, you see, she's awfully pretty," Tavros said. "And-her family is well off. She laughs at my jokes. And-and-and-she said she likes me."

"Just because she likes you doesn't mean you have to like her," I said.

"I do, though," he said, terribly earnest. "I-I know she isn't-isn't exactly, well, the kindest, but she-she makes me try hard! She-she never lets me-lets me take the easy-easy way out."

"I suppose," Aradia teased. "Well, that's terribly exciting! Are you going to tell her?"

"Maybe."

"She told you she likes you," I said. "You don't have to wonder, like Aradia and me."

"Her-her family, though. They-they-they'd never approve."

"Oh, of course," I said. I forget sometimes how much harder it is for a woman to marry below her station. I could marry anyone and Meulin would be glad I was happy. I could marry anyone and I could still feed myself and care for myself, no matter what happened to him. But for Vriska, choosing to marry a rancher would certainly jar her family. It would be a huge choice for her to make. I can't tell if she's brave or reckless. And for Tavros, marrying "up" like that might change his life some but mostly he'd have people always wondering what he did to get her. No one would ever believe it's just because they like each other.

Aradia and Sollux do have it easier that way. She's a herder, and he's a farmer. Whichever career they end up with, their families both know what to expect. Except she's Jewish, and sometimes people can be odd about that, but I think they can make it work. Sollux's family is lovely and Aradia's is too.

My goodness, before long my friends will be getting married! My sister's friends are getting married-Sollux's brother and Terezi's sister, for one. Meulin's engaged, and I think Eridan's brother and Feferi's sister are engaged (although that's more political than anything else). I hope I have someone when the time comes.

24 May 1639

Kurloz took Meulin to see a play and I must admit, I am a little bit jealous. I wish I had someone to go see plays with. Meulin would never let me go alone but she's usually too tired to go with me. I'd go with my friends but for the money, and Equius doesn't approve. His family believes in fancy entertainment like…well, like whatever it is people do in the castle. He thinks plays are "frivolous and incite immoral behavior". He can be a terrible stick-in-the-mud!

Well, maybe one of these days Aradia and Kanaya and I can go. They like plays!

28 May 1639

I had one of the nightmares last night. It was the same as always-I'm alone in my old room, a huge empty thing made of stone with nothing to keep me warm. No one's there, not even Linny, and I'm so hungry it hurts. I go around looking for food but every time I find some it turns into sand before I can take a bite, and I feel even worse then before. I finally found Linny this time, like I do sometimes, and she was thin and pale and sickly like she was then, and when I tried to hold her hand I couldn't, and then I was so hungry and so sore that I fell on the floor and closed my eyes to try to bear it and then I woke up. And then I ate the entire loaf of bread I made yesterday.

I always eat a lot after a nightmare. Linny knows it and she doesn't bother me about it. She sometimes helps me cook something substantial so I don't have to feel hungry. I'm just so scared to go back. I know I never have to but I'm scared.

31 May 1639

Kanaya escaped her family today to spend time with us in the woods and she said her aunt isn't doing to well.

"What about her own children?" I asked. "Why doesn't she stay with them?"

"Her own children don't like her any better than my father does, but they have the excuse of tight quarters in the city."

"Why doesn't you father like her?"

Kanaya shrugged. "She was not kind to one of my father's other sisters."

"How many sisters are there?" Aradia asked.

"Three. Aunt Barbara is the eldest, then Aunt Ellen, then Aunt Dolora. My father is the youngest by eight years. He tells me I remind him of my Aunt Dolora, although I've never met her."

"Is she in the city, too?" I asked.

"No, she passed away several years ago. I never met her."

"You have a lot of family," I said.

"I would say you have very little," Kanaya said. She didn't say it to be mean, just to be true.

"I guess that's true," I said. It's just me and Linny, and I suppose Button. "I don't know anyone else with as small a family as me."

"That's alright," Aradia said. "Your family's nice. You don't need anymore."

I nodded. "I miss my mama."

"I'm sorry," Aradia said.

"It's alright," I said. "I don't think I'll ever not miss her. She raised me and loved me. I can't just stop missing her. It doesn't hurt so much, though."

"That's good, at least," Aradia said.

I nodded again, and that was that. None of my friends ask too much about my mama, which is nice. I never feel like they're forcing me to talk when it hurts so much, but I know they'll listen if I need to talk. And I'll listen to them! They're my friends, and that's what friends are for.

2 June 1639

We crossed the bridge today to the far side of river today and went exploring! There's not as many paths but we did find an old one, maybe older than my sister! We followed it to a little clearing with berry bushes growing in it, but they were nightshade so we didn't eat them. There was more path beyond that, but it was getting late so we didn't follow it. I wonder if this is a path my mama made with her family years ago, or if it's even older than that. People lived in this house before my mama, before her mother-in-law, before her…aunt and uncle, I think it was, who passed away. There's an old house somewhere in the woods that must be from a hundred years ago. Now it's just a hollow stone skeleton of someone's old home. It makes me a little bit sad.

Anyways, Aradia, Tavros, Kanaya, Equius and I went out and explored and we're going to go out again next time we all have time off our chores. So, next time Aradia isn't watching the sheep, Tavros isn't with the cows, Kanaya isn't caring for her aunt or managing the house, and Equius isn't-well, off doing whatever it is he does. He's told me, but I don't understand it, really. I don't know what the nobles do all day. Either way, there are days he's too busy to come spend time with me. And me, too.

6 June 1639

I know it isn't good for me, but today in the village when I saw Karkat I could hardly help but stare. He's so handsome. I know he doesn't like me and it still hurts to think about him, but he's terribly good-looking. He's the opposite of Kurloz, small and round and soft where Kurloz is tall and thin and bony, but I suppose even sisters don't have the same tastes. I'd never want Gamzee, not in a million years. He's nice enough, though off in his own world, but I'd never like him the way I like Karkat.

I know he doesn't like me. I know. But I really, really want him too.

10 June 1639

I wasn't going to ask Equius about my mother, but Meulin told me she asked Horuss to ask Mr. Zahhak about our mama. (My goodness, this is complicated.) I really hope he knows something. How could our mama share our name? Leijon isn't a common name. No one but our blood family has it. Mr. Zahhak might know-he's one of the only people who I think knew her whole story. He acts like he knows more than he's saying. I think it's why he worries about us so much. He knows what happened to our mama and now he wants to take care of us, maybe because he feels so bad about what she went through.

I want to talk to Equius about this, because it feel sometimes like I'm going to burst from not knowing and not saying, but if I don't want him to feel bad about it. I don't know what to do.

13 June 1639

We explored out beyond the bridge today and I think we maybe have gone further than anyone in a long while. We went beyond where we could find any sort of path and just pushed our way through the brush to new parts of the forest. It was so incredible! We explored somewhere truly new, where no one else has ever been, and it was incredible. It was just Tavros and Aradia and I, because Equius and Kanaya and Terezi and Vriska were busy, and it was lovely.

Vriska and Terezi and Aradia and Tavros play this game where they dare each other to do these dangerous things. It sounds very exciting! I'd love to play but I know Equius would yell at me. Between him and Meulin and Mr. Zahhak, they'd never let me play. Aradia and Tavros today were talking about how they're going to play another round in July and they're coming up with dares for Terezi and Vriska. I told them they can't use my woods for it. I couldn't stand it if someone got hurt in my woods.

15 June 1639

Meulin went to see Mr. Zahhak today to talk to him about our mama. I suppose Meulin forgot she already told me that he killed our mama's love, but she also told me that our mama is our aunt by blood. I can't even begin to understand it. Meulin told me her mother was her adoptive mother, and our mama's real mother was a lady in the castle. She was given away because they didn't need another daughter. She had the name Leijon most of her life, then when she married she set it aside and took Vantas. So she was Vantas when we knew her.

I don't know why she wouldn't have told us. She was our mother's sister but there's no reason for her to be like our birth mother. She showed us a drawing once of her as a young person and she looks just like Linny. She's our mama. Nothing would've changed if we knew she was our aunt by blood.

I love her no matter what. She saved us and raised us and loved us, and nothing could ever change that.

And we talked some about Luke. Having an older brother would surely make it easier on Meulin when she's tired, but he might be tired instead. I don't know. I just know that it's hard, but I love my sister and I'd love my brother if I had one, and no matter what it can be fine. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep my family safe.

18 June 1639

I talked with my friends today because I still like Karkat. He's terribly handsome and very kind, and he's funny when he wants to be and his smile can light up the room.

"I can't stop thinking about him."

"He's really mean," Aradia tried. "He shouts at everyone with just the tiniest provocation. I don't like men who yell."

"Me neither," I agreed. "Usually. But you can tell he's not really angry, so you don't have to be scared."

"You never know, though," Kanaya said. "Men can turn on a dime. They're kind when it suits them, and then when you do something wrong-well, your sister's the midwife."

I nodded, because she's right. Women whose husbands beat them have nowhere to turn except the midwife, and Meulin's patched up dozens of cuts and eased the pain of hundreds of bruises.

"I still don't think he'd ever hurt me, or anyone," I said. "I'd yell too if no one listened to me. And he can kind when he wants to be."

"He can also be rude," Kanaya pointed out.

"And bossy," Aradia said.

"And a bit stupid," Kanaya added.

"I didn't know you all thought so poorly of him," I said. "I guess I thought you liked him, too, like a friend."

"Oh, I didn't mean that!" Aradia said. "I thought it might help if you remembered the things that aren't so good about him."

"It doesn't," I said, feeling miserable.

"Love is tricky that way," Kanaya said.

"Can we talk about your love?" I teased. "Your Rose?"

"She's well," Kanaya said, blushing. "Your Sollux, Aradia?"

"He's also well," she said with a little grin. "Farming is hard, lately, but his family has been doing alright on Mr. Keating's land."

"My goodness, I think sometimes that everyone has someone except me," I said.

"I'm sorry," Aradia said.

"It's fine," I said. "It'll be fine."

Aradia and Kanaya nodded, and we didn't do much for the rest of the day until we all had to go home for evening chores.

20 June 1639

I love the long, warm evenings of summer. It stays lovely out for so long, and I can be out very late because Meulin just tells me to be home before it gets dark out. Equius and I went walking in the woods today and I told him about everything. I couldn't keep it in anymore.

"Equius, I need to tell you something."

"Oh?" he asked.

"You're my best friend."

"I know this, Nepeta. And you are mine."

"Well, I just want you to know, that I know, that your father killed my mama's husband. She forgave him and I'm not angry with you our your father and it's all alright."

"Oh," he said. "I am sorry."

"You don't have to be. You didn't do anything."

"It is most unfortunate," he said. "That our families would be linked by tragedy."

"It is," I agreed. "But we're best friends, and we always will be."

He nodded, and a few steps later, I said, "Also, my mama is our aunt by blood. She…she was adopted too."

He nodded at this, too.

"There's a lot I didn't know about her," I said. "I don't know. I'm glad I told you. I don't want you to not trust me because I trust you more than anyone else, except maybe my sister, and I was scared you were gonna hate me."

"Nepeta," he said, with a little smile. "I could never hate you."

I smiled at him as big as I know how and we had a nice walk. I'm glad he's not mad. I don't know what I'd do if Equius didn't want to be my friend anymore.

23 June 1639

I had a strangest dream last night. I dreamed I was standing next to my sister, and I thought at first we were looking in a mirror because the woman we were looking at looked almost identical to my sister. But I couldn't see me and so I knew it was our mama. I couldn't move but Meulin, she could, and she ran over to our mama and hugged her, telling her how grateful she was for everything she did for us.

It was nice. I don't know what it meant, but it felt warm and safe to see our mama again, even if it's only the version of her I've seen in the drawing.

26 June 1639

I sold a few of my embroidered pieces in the market today and Mrs. Jameson found me and asked if I could do a job for her! I asked her what and she said she'd like me to embroider my daisies on the hem of a skirt she has. And she'll pay me, of course! I said I would, and the money she offered makes sense considering how much I usually charge for such things. So I took her skirt home and I've been working the daisies into the hem like I do with my own clothes. I can't stop smiling! Karkat may not like me, but someone thinks I'm talented. It's nice.

29 June 1639

The growing isn't going so well. The wheat should be higher by now than it is. The growing season started so late that the plants are struggling. Sollux's family is working harder than ever, but it's hard to make plants grow when they've had a late start. Aradia's sheep and Tavros's cows aren't much happier. Even our garden isn't as green and nice as it usually is. My flowers almost seem like they're frowning at me sometimes, and I try to take care of them but sometimes it's hard. My flowers rely on me to take care of them, and I won't let them down. I'll take care of my flowers when it's cold and miserable and I'll make sure they bloom.

I hope this is just one cold year. I'm not sure what we'll do if it's not.


	7. The Fall

2 July 1639

It is lovely outside these days, if terribly warm. I went swimming by myself the other day. Meulin doesn't like it when I do, but none of my other friends know how, and she was busy. Anyways, it was hot.

I'm going to follow the creek to the end, where it starts. I think Mama said once it's a spring, and that's why the creek is always cold, even in the summer. I don't know much about springs but I'm sure there's a book in the library on them. I'd love to see one for real.

5 July 1639

I did it today. I told Meulin where I was going, and I left my boots at the clearing by the creek and followed the creek upstream, further than I've ever gone. It got a bit deep at points and I had to hold my skirts up, and the hems did get wet, but I found the end of the creek. It was a beautiful walk and the creek got colder and colder every mile I walked until I found the start. It's a tiny little spring, a pool with water bubbling up from the ground. It was so cold I had to get out of it and stand to the side, but it was beautiful. I wish I could draw, like our mama said her friend could, so I could draw a picture of the lovely little pond.

I'll take Equius there sometime. He likes to look at beautiful things, too. And my other friends, too, because we all like exploring. I love finding new places in the forest, and it's especially fun when I get to bring my friends with me. Meulin sometimes comes with me, too. I wish she would more, but she's an adult. She has responsibilities and whatnot. Sometimes I think she doesn't care much about me.

I know it's not true, but it sure does feel that way sometimes.

9 July 1639

I brought my friends with me to the pond today, and they were all delighted. It was a long walk but it was worth it to see the lovely place, especially since they can't swim to stay cool these hot summer days. It's too hot to be outside long without water. Most of my friends work outdoors and we need to keep safe. Meulin treats people every year who work outdoors and get too hot. She has them drink lots of water and stay in the shade and sometimes shed a few layers of clothing, if they're comfortable with it. I know not to let myself get too hot. I wouldn't want to have to become one of my sister's patients.

12 July 1639

My flowers are gorgeous. I've been taking care of them, weeding them and giving them water when they need it. They're so lovely, bursting into bloom like this, full of color. Winter may be pretty, but I love color.

I brought out last year's blooms and put them in the flower bed. They help the new ones grow and they can be with their family. I would never want my flowers to feel alone, the way I used to sometimes. Well, I still do, sometimes. I know I'm different. I think my friends still love me but sometimes it's hard to believe. I know Linny loves me, but she's my sister. She has to. I bet there's a rule about it.

Equius loves me. I know that for sure. He's my best friend.

14 July 1639

We crossed the bridge again today and went exploring on the far side of the river. Equius is terrified of the bridge. He blusters that it's unsafe and could fall at any moment, but it's because he's scared. People think he's rude but he's just cautious and nervous sometimes, and he thinks can't show it because he's a nobleman. He won't let me play the dare game with the others because he's scared I'll get hurt. He doesn't want to explore sometimes because he's scared we'll get lost or hurt.

It's funny how he thinks I don't know these things. People think they're very clever with not saying what they mean, but it's not hard to tell how they feel. Linny doesn't do it much but most people do. They twist their words backwards and upside down, say something practically the opposite of what they mean, but on their face you can see how they feel. It's really hard to tell which one they want you to listen to.

Talking to people is hard. That's another reason I couldn't do Meulin's job.

18 July 1639

Kanaya said my sister offered to teach her and some others to read! I'd love to have friends to read with. Sometimes Equius and I read together in the library, which is lovely, but it'd be nice if my other friends could read too. And I love to read. It's how I've learned all the things I know that someone could learn in school. There's so much I'd never have known if I couldn't read. And if I couldn't write I wouldn't have this journal, and I don't know what I'd do without my journal.

The new girls, Jade and Rose, both read. Jade love science. I want to talk to her more, because I love science too. She seems like fun. I think I'll like her.

21 July 1639

I talked with Jade today and she was so excited to see the library, so I brought her home and she loved it! We talked about books and science together and it was incredible. I like her a lot. Jade is nice and fun to talk to, and she and I are both interested in biology. She said her grandfather wants her to study more, even though it's hard, and we talked about university, too. We both want to go to university, and we both know we never will. Our mama told me she went to the university once, dressed as a boy, and she went in to the most beautiful library she'd ever seen. I've seen the drawings. It was wonderful.

Jade's nice. I like her. I think we'll be friends.

24 July 1639

I invited Jade to the woods with me today. I showed her around the clearing by the creek, and the place by the river, and the way up the creek, and where the old bridge was and the new bridge is.

"It's wonderful," she said.

"I know," I said. "I love it here."

"Can I come here?" Jade asked.

"It's not ours," I said. "You don't have to ask me. Just the house and the gardens are ours. You can come to the woods any time."

"Really?" she asked with a big, happy grin. She makes the most interesting faces. She's very easy to read that way.

"Of course," I said. "And you're my friend, so I wouldn't be upset if you came to see the house and the gardens."

"You're my friend, too," she said. "You can come to my home, too, if you like. We're east of the village. My grandfather insists we leave the land as is and don't farm it more than it has been, so your land's easy to spot."

"Thanks!" I said. "I'd like that."

"I have to go home now. I have to cook dinner, since my grandfather's worried I'll never learn," she said.

"I have to work in the garden," I said. "I'll see you soon."

"You too."

I like Jade a lot. I'm glad she's moved to our village.

28 July 1639

Equius and I went walking today, and I tried to persuade him to go swimming, and he still won't go. He says it's sinful, and gets all bent out of shape when I do. He's worried one of these days I'll get in serious trouble of some sort. He tries his best to keep me safe, and I appreciate it, but I'm not going to break. I starved for the first seven years of my life. I'm not going to break.

1 August 1639

I'm very excited! Linny's and my birthdays are coming up. I don't know what I'm going to get her, but she's going to be twenty. She's going to be getting married soon. She insists she'll wait until I'm eighteen, but I don't need her to. Sixteen is plenty old, in my opinion. I'd be fine if she left now but she won't. Says she wasn't ready when our mama passed away.

Sixteen! I'm excited about everything except getting my bleeding. I know I will soon and I really wish I didn't have to. Meulin has hers and it's no fun, she says. It doesn't hurt, exactly, but it is such a hassle. I suppose it's part of becoming a proper adult, which I'm in the process of doing. My breasts are already growing, and while I'm not particularly happy about them, I don't really hate them. It's just a new part of me.

Aradia and Kanaya are getting theirs, too. Aradia's annoyed, but Kanaya's quite fond of hers. She very much wants to have children someday, so I suppose growing into her adult body is a great comfort for her. I don't know if she wants to have children with Rose, because I don't think that's possible, but I know she'll figure it out. She's very smart. I hope she can learn to read and write.

5 August 1639

Today I turned sixteen! I feel terribly grown up, because Linny is going to teach me to hunt. She gave me the most beautiful bow and arrows, all my own, for shooting with. I know they were expensive, and she could've bought them for herself but she gave them to me. They're going to be my bow and arrows. I'm going to be the best at them.

My friends came to have dinner with me. I made a basic kind of stew and bread, nothing fancy, but Equius and Aradia and Kanaya and Tavros and Terezi and Vriska came, and we all had dinner and laughed together. It was lovely. I love my friends.

8 August 1639

I practiced shooting with my new bow and arrows, and my aim isn't as good as it is with the small bow, but it's not half as bad as when I started. I'm thinking of giving Equius my old small bow and arrows, but then I wouldn't have it for when Meulin and I teach our daughters to hunt. Or our sons, I suppose. I want to teach my daughter everything Mama and Meulin taught me, so they can teach their daughters. My sons have everyone else to teach them things. I'll teach them what I know, but my daughters won't have anyone but me to teach them. I won't let them go without.

11 August 1639

I don't know what I'm going to get Linny for her birthday. She doesn't want anything, except to get married soon, and I can't make myself older or make her understand that I'm going to be fine when she leaves. I know I will be. It's just that she doesn't.

I practiced shooting again today with Equius. He's not allowed to use my new bow because I'm worried he might break it. He can get his own if he really wants to; his family has money.

I don't mean to sound resentful of him. I'm not. But it's my bow and it was a gift from my sister and I don't want to let anything happen to it.

14 August 1639

Some of my friends are learning to read with Meulin and it's fun to see them learn how to turn scribbles on a page into words and meaning. I love words. I love how you can use words to make up a story and it isn't real but it's real in your head. I like to make stories with Equius and my other friends. Someday I'll write them down, but for now they aren't done yet. I can't write down a story now when it's still changing.

I like making up stories. I'm like Mama that way.

15 August 1639

Meulin turned twenty today. Kurloz gave her a lovely little necklace, and I gave her a romance novel. Linny's always liked love stories. She loves her Kurloz and she loves other people being in love. She smiled with all the fondness she always has for me and told me thank you, and I saw her reading it later. I'm glad I can make her happy on her birthday.

17 August 1639

Aradia came to the woods today and while we were walking to the woods she mentioned her sister was missing.

"Damara's missing?"

Aradia nodded. "I don't know where she is. I haven't seen her in two days. I'm-I'm kind of scared."

"Didn't she say where she was going?" I asked.

"No," Aradia said. "I don't know where she is. I woke up one morning and she was gone. I have-I have no idea where she could be."

"And she didn't say she was going to leave?"

"No!" Aradia said. "No, she didn't. She just left!"

"Can we look for her?"

"I've tried. She's-she's not anywhere I can find."

"Let's search the woods."

"She won't be in the woods."

"She could be hiding."

"I don't think so," Aradia said.

"But you never know."

"I just don't think so," Aradia repeated. "Can we go home?"

I nodded and walked her home. I don't know where Damara could be, but if my sister went missing I would turn the world upside down to find her. I'm going to search the woods for Damara. They're my woods. I'll be able to find anyone in my woods.

19 August 1639

I've been spending all my free time looking for Damara in the woods, but I can't seem to find even a footprint or broken branch out of place. It seems there's no one in the woods but me.

But I haven't looked everywhere yet. There's more to see. I have to cross the river, and go further down the creek. There's more places to look for Aradia's sister.

22 August 1639

I haven't found anything. Today I didn't look, because today is our mama's birthday. Linny and I went to her grave in the woods and sat with her a while. Linny talked to her, like she does, but I just sat. I know she can't hear me. She's gone. Her ears don't work anymore. I think Linny knows too, but she still talks.

I sat and thought about Mama, about her garden and her helping me with my garden and about Button and about cooking together and reading together and about Christmas. It's warm out, but Christmas was when our mama was the happiest. I know she's in Heaven and she's happy there, but it's hard to be here without her.

I miss our mama. I brought some of the forget-me-nots home to remember her with. I put them in a cup of water in my room. I know they won't live long, but it's nice to have them nonetheless.

24 August 1639

I can't find Damara anywhere in the woods. I told Aradia and she said she didn't know what else to do. She's very upset. Sollux has tried to be there for her, but he's also busy. His family needs him to work. I don't know what to do for her. I want to help, but I don't know where her sister is. I don't know where she could be.

Damara is quiet and likes to be on her own. I don't know why she would've run away.

27 August 1639

I talked with Equius today about Damara.

"No one knows where she is. Not even her mother and father."

"Where could she have gone?"

"We have no idea. I've looked for her in the whole woods. I was going to look again but I'm not sure where. Meulin told me she's looking in the village and the city. But I don't know if that'll do any good."

"Why not?"

"I don't know why she'd go there. What's for her in the city?"

"Perhaps relatives?"

"None of Aradia's family is from the city. I don't know. I'm just worried about her, and Aradia, and the rest of her family. I can't imagine how frightened I'd be in Meulin went missing."

Equius nodded. "It would be…it would be awful if Horuss went missing."

We walked in quiet for a long time after that. I know he misses his mother, like I miss mine. Losing anyone else would hurt more than I think either of us can imagine.

29 August 1639

Aradia and I spoke again today about her sister and she mentioned her missing aunt. Her mother's sister went missing ages ago, and Damara was always curious about her. None of them know where she went. Aradia said her name was Hannah and she just…vanished, one day. Her mother doesn't talk about it much, but they all know about it. Aradia thought maybe Damara went looking for her aunt, but since they have no idea where she might be, no one's sure.

Aradia also misses her aunt, but she said she's never heard Damara talk about it until recently. I don't know what's happening. I'm worried there's some big family secret, like with our mama being our birth aunt. I'm just so worried.

1 September 1639

Aradia and Tavros and Equius came by today and this time I thought it might be a good idea to do something fun to distract Aradia, so we went out to the woods to play hide-and-seek. I know it's a children's game, but it's fun to explore the woods and find my friends! I don't see why getting older means you get to have less fun. Linny sometimes tries to be too serious, and I think she'd be happier if she played more.

I try to get he to play, and sometimes she will, but not always.

3 September 1639

We all went out into the woods again today, but Aradia didn't want to do anything. I asked her what she wanted to do, and she said "Nothing."

"We can just walk."

"I don't want to do anything."

"We can sit in the clearing."

"I don't care."

"I could show you how to shoot."

"Nepeta. I don't care."

I didn't know what to do, so I left her in the clearing with the big pine tree and went with the others to explore across the river. I don't know what's wrong with her. I'm frightened.

6 September 1639

I went to see Aradia at her house with Kanaya today, but she didn't seem to want to see us. We went in to see her and she just shrugged at everything we said. When we were walking home, Kanaya said, "It's almost as if she were ill."

"I could ask my sister about it. Our mama used to treat people whose minds were unwell."

"I think that would be wise," Kanaya said. "I wish I knew how to help."

I nodded. "I don't know how to fix it, except get Damara back, and I don't know where she is."

"I think it's more than that," she said.

"What else could it be?" I asked.

"I think there's…there's something she isn't telling us. Damara wouldn't just…leave, like that. It isn't like her."

"It might have something to do with her aunt, the one who vanished all those years ago."

"It might just," Kanaya said, sounding thoughtful. "Hm."

"What are you thinking about?" I asked.

"I'm wondering about something Sollux mentioned a long time ago, about an uncle of his who went missing."

"I don't see why that matters," I said.

"I'm not sure. It's just interesting," Kanaya mused.

"Fair enough," I said.

I don't know what's wrong. I wish I did.

8 September 1639

Damara came back today! She hasn't told anyone where she was. She just came back and started hitting Rufioh and Horuss. I suppose that makes sense. They're the ones who hurt her. But she won't tell anyone where she went. I went to see Aradia and Mrs. Megido and they said she won't talk to them, either.

"Is she alright?" I asked.

"I don't know," Aradia said.

"And she won't talk to you?"

She shrugged. "She won't talk to anyone."

"I'm sorry."

She shrugged again.

"Did she find your missing aunt?" I asked.

"I don't know. She won't talk to me," Aradia said.

"I hope she gets better soon," I said, as sincerely as I could.

"Thanks," she said.

I left, since there wasn't much else I could do. Linny and I are going to bring them dinner some night, so they don't have to cook when everything's so stressful. I hope now that Damara's back Aradia's going to be back to normal. Maybe she was so frightened that she had to pretend like she wasn't, like Linny and I did when we were small. We'd be so frightened and hungry that we'd have to pretend things were better.

I miss our mama. She made things safe for us. I was never frightened of her.

11 September 1639

Aradia isn't doing any better. I invited her out to the woods with Tavros and Equius and Kanaya and Terezi, but she didn't want to come. I told her she could bring Sollux and she slammed the door in my face. I don't know what I did. I hope she's alright.

13 September 1639

Tavros told me today that Aradia and Sollux had a big fight. While Damara was missing and Aradia was frightened for her, Sollux told her to stop worrying because she was being a baby about it, and at least her sister was missing and not dead. I don't think he could've said anything worse. Aradia told Tavros, who wasn't sure what to do but tell her sorry, and he told me because I asked if he knew why she got so mad when I mentioned Sollux.

Apparently Sollux has been listening to Vriska too much, because that's what she said when Aradia was hiding and Vriska and I were seeking not too long ago. I'm mad at the both of them. That's not what you say to someone whose sister is missing! Vriska has a sister, she should know better. I suppose it would be similar with a brother, but I don't know. I don't have a brother. Either way, I can't believe how awful that was for Sollux to say. I won't invite him to the woods anytime soon.

16 September 1639

Meulin told me today that Damara went and attacked Meenah, which also makes sense. It's incredibly dangerous, though. Meenah's going to be queen someday. Damara must be furious to do something so dangerous.

Meulin's going to try to talk to her with some friends. I hope it helps. Aradia's family has been through entirely too much.

I wonder who Aradia could be with now. Sollux is no good unless he apologizes. I want her to be happy, and I think she wants to be in love. Maybe it'd help her to have someone. Meulin's certainly happier when Kurloz is around. I want to help.

19 September 1639

I'm shaking very badly, because Linny came back from Damara's home with a cut on her arm as long as my hand. It was on her right arm so she told me she needed me to stitch it.

"It's just like sewing any other seam, Kitty. Here's my needle and thread. Just go slowly and you won't hurt me," she said.

"But what if I do?" I asked.

"It'd be much worse for the cut to be left open," she said. "I know you can do this, Kitty. I wouldn't ask if I didn't need you to."

I gulped and nodded and very, very carefully sewed her up. I know it hurt even though she said it didn't. I needed stitches once a few years ago when I fell out of a tree and it hurts a lot. I did my best, and I think it was enough. I put on the usual medicines she uses for cuts and then wrapped it with bandages, and she said she'll be alright and not to worry. But I am worried. Damara's already almost killed three people. I won't let her hurt Linny, too.

21 September 1639

Equius and I went out to the clearing by the creek today and sat together and talked some, because it feels like everything is falling apart and I'm scared.

"I'm scared everyone's going to stop being friends," I said. "Everything feels like it's coming apart."

He nodded. "I do not think it will continue this way."

"I hope not."

"I do not believe anyone else will suffer. I am certain that this is over."

"How can you know that?" I asked.

He sighed. "I do not."

"Then why are you saying it?"

"I do not want to see you in pain."

I sniffled and tried not to cry but I was crying a little. No matter what happens, Equius is my best friend and nothing can change that. It's going to be alright.

24 September 1639

Terezi told me she and the others are playing their game tomorrow about the dares. I'm nervous for them. No one's gotten hurt before, but they do dangerous things. One time they climbed a tree higher and higher and whoever got the highest won, except they went higher than is safe. There are branches too thin to hold a person's weight. I'm worried about them.

25 September 1639

The worst happened. Aradia came by today and left Tavros on our doorstep. I asked her what happened and she said, "He fell."

"How?"

"It doesn't matter," she said, and she left.

So I brought Tavros inside and asked him what happened.

"She pushed me," he said.

"Aradia?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Vriska."

"Vriska? What did she do?" I asked, but Tavros had fainted clear away. I went and found Meulin and when she asked what happened, I lied and said I didn't know. I love my sister but she'd be furious and I think she'd do something very unwise. I don't want her doing anything until I know the whole story. I'll talk to Tavros about it later.

She splinted his legs and we carried him home. I don't think there's anything for him but time. I'll stop by and see him as often as I can. I hope he's going to be alright.

27 September 1639

I went to see Tavros today and he told me what happened.

"We were…we were out-outside, in-in the woods, by the river. We-we-we were on the bridge and-and, um…we were trying to see-to see-see who could stand on the bridge the longest-the longest while the other-the others-the other two were shaking it. Vriska-Vriska and I, we were-we were on the bridge. Aradia and, and, and Terezi were rocking it. We weren't-weren't supposed to touch-to touch. But Aradia wasn't-she wasn't paying attention. She didn't notice when-when Vriska-Vriska pushed me. And I fell."

"Oh, oh no," I said. "Oh no…"

"Terezi and Aradia-they-they pulled me out-out of the river. And to you."

"I'm so sorry."

"I-I don't think she-she meant to," he said.

"How can you say that? She broke your legs."

"She just-just wanted to win."

"That's not fair," I said. "It's not."

"I won't-won't be able to play-not anymore."

"So what? I don't play."

"But I-I want to."

"Well, I'll play with you. You're always welcome in the woods."

"I suppose," he said, nodding.

"I have to go," I told him. "My sister will come by soon to check your bandages and put on more medicine. She'll make sure you're alright."

He nodded and I left, and Linny asked me again, but I won't tell her. I'll fix it on my own.

29 September 1639

I saw Vriska today and I asked her what on Earth she was thinking.

"It's part of the game," she said.

"How? You could've killed him!"

"It's a dangerous game. He knows that. If he didn't want to get hurt, he shouldn't have played."

"That's cruel."

"That's the way of the world."

"Don't hurt him again," I said, trying to be scary.

She laughed. "What are you going to do? You're tiny. You wouldn't hurt a fly."

"You hurt my friend. I'm not going to let you get away with it."

"Yeah, yeah. Run along home, kid."

"I'm your age!"

"You act like a kid, kid."

"Leave me alone! You're just mean."

"I'm a grownup. You're a baby."

"I-I'm going! Leave me alone. And don't hurt anyone else!"

She laughed, but I had to leave. I didn't know what else to do. I don't know why she has to be so mean. She thinks she's grown up but she's just mean! She's not at all like any of the other adults I know. She just thinks she is.


	8. Hunting

2 October 1639

Meulin's not going to go back to help Damara. I feel awful that I'm relieved but I was scared she'd get really hurt. I don't know how to be the midwife. I can't heal my sister. I don't need her to take care of me but I don't want her to get hurt, either.

We've been going to practice hunting most days, and I'm getting better at it. Last time we went, I almost hit a squirrel. I'm looking forward to my first rabbit stew. Meulin said if I like, I can make whatever stew I like when I get my first catch. We usually make the stew together, but we prefer different seasonings and when I catch dinner, I'll get to decide what goes into it.

4 October 1639

I don't like Vriska very much. She makes me nervous. Her smile is too sharp. I'm not as good at reading people's faces as my sister is, but I know what a smile is supposed to look like the the smile Vriska made when she told us about how she tricked her older sister into getting lost in the woods was not right.

It's not right anyways. The woods shouldn't be scary. They're my woods, and they're safe. I don't like that Vriska would use them to hurt someone.

6 October 1639

I almost shot something today! I didn't quite, but the arrow whistled right over its head. I'm going to go back out tomorrow. I've been hunting or practicing almost every day since Meulin taught me and I'm almost there!

I would like to teach Equius, but he still can hardly fire an arrow. Maybe I'll just teach him to gut and clean.

9 October 1639

Even closer today! I know pride is a sin but I think a little is alright. I'm proud of myself for getting better at what I'm doing. I'm going to be able to take care of myself now. I'm going to be a proper adult soon, who can live on her own. I know that someday Meulin will get married and I'll be here on my own, and I'm a little bit excited for it, honestly. I love Linny and I never want to stop being close with her, but I also want to be my own person and live by myself.

I love my friends, but I find I always need a little bit of time to myself to feel my best.

11 October 1639

I did it! Today I shot a squirrel! I got it in the body, not the eye like Linny can, but I got it! When we got back I cleaned and gutted it myself, leaving the entrails for Button, and put it in my own stew. I'm so happy! I did it. I may not be great at it yet, but I'm going to get better.

I'm going to keep practicing. I'm going to get better until I'm as good as Meulin and our mama. Linny won't have to worry anymore because I'm going to be a great hunter.

I've been tracking when the different kinds of plants die, too, and when we stop seeing certain animals. My notes are getting better, but I've noticed that plants come out later and die earlier. I'd swear it's getting colder, but it's hard to know for sure. I don't have any way to keep track of the temperature to write it down. It just feels cold.

13 October 1639

I'm still not pleased with Sollux right now, exactly, but Terezi said he didn't mean it and he was just doing what Vriska said would help. Why he listened to her I'll never know, but at least he wasn't just being mean to Aradia for the sake of it. Either way, I talked with him today and I mentioned how it seemed colder and he said he agreed. His family are farmers and they've been having trouble plowing when the need to, because the ground hasn't thawed all the way yet.

I've noticed the same in the garden, but since we don't grow as much and we don't really plow it hasn't been so bad. If the ground isn't as soft as it could be, we just dig harder. We're not going to go hungry. I won't let us.

15 October 1639

The harvest has made our house more crowded than ever. Linny and I fill up the kitchen and the library and our bedrooms and the spare room, of course, and the herbs hung up to dry make our whole home smell delicious. I'll have to sort them into jars when they're dried properly, the pretty ones with neat labels Meulin's going to have to rewrite in a few years. We'll make the mixes once we have everything put away.

I don't like to do the work my sister does with people, but I like following our mama's recipes and making the medicines she made. I like learning what the different plants are for, when they grow and what we can do with them. I like to learn. I wish I could go to university.

17 October 1639

Meulin seemed more tired than normal today. I tried to ask her, but she sighed all dramatically like she does and told me it was something between her and her friends. Of course it was. She and her friends seem to have some new problem every other week.

I suppose my friends and I have our share of problems, but hers seem much more dramatic.

19 October 1639

Equius and Tavros and I went out into the woods today and explored around the creek. I wish Aradia could come with us. I don't know what's wrong with her, but when I tried to talk to her and ask her to come with us she just said no and closed the door. I wouldn't say she slammed it, but it felt like she didn't want to talk to me at all. It hurt, a little bit, because I know I'm not like everyone else and people don't always like me for that reason. I'm not sure if it's just me, though, because I asked and Tavros said he hadn't spoken with her either, and neither had Equius.

Equius wanted to try, but I told him not to. I think she might need some time away from other people. I don't know for sure, but she seemed like it. So I think maybe it's best to leave her alone for a bit, like Meulin's letting Damara alone until she stops trying to kill people, although much less dramatic.

He'll either listen to me or he won't, like I either listen to him or I don't, but either way I hope it'll be alright. He'll always have my ear if he needs it.

21 October 1639

Linny's been moping about lately. I asked her what was wrong and she said her and Kurloz had a disagreement. I asked her what about, and she said them getting married. She won't get married until I'm of age, and I don't turn eighteen for another two years. But Kurloz's father absolutely insists he be married by the time he's twenty-one, which is in only a few months. Linny's plenty old enough to get married, but she doesn't want to leave me alone. I told her I'm going to be just fine, but she doesn't believe me.

I wish Meulin would just get married already. Then she'd stop being so sad. She and Kurloz could go start their family together and I'd be just fine here, with my friends. If I ever needed anything she'd be less than a day's walk away and Horuss and Mr. Zahhak are even closer. I'm fine. I've been catching squirrels myself and helping with the harvest. I can make elderberry syrup, for goodness' sake, and that's quite a task.

I can't be the midwife like Linny, but I'll be fine on my own.

22 October 1639

I went to Equius's house today. I don't very often, but he invited me for tea. I asked him why and he told me that my sister didn't want Horuss around anymore. I thought that sounded mad, but I resolved to ask Linny about it later and went for tea.

It was delicious, because they have a maid who cooks and she gets to use sugar, and Mr. Zahhak excused himself early to rest up. He's not been in good health since his wife passed. I remember Mrs. Zahhak. She was delightful.

Anyways, it was much less stiff after he left, just Horuss and Equius and me, and Horuss seemed happy enough. He didn't seem like someone who'd had a friend stop talking to them. It was nice, and when I went home to my sister she didn't seem upset that I'd gone over. I can only assume they had a disagreement but not a big one. I'll ask her another time.

24 October 1639

Linny didn't answer me about Horuss, just said they weren't really speaking. When I asked her why, she said she didn't want to talk about it and got quite snippy with me.

So I let her be and went out walking. I practiced with my target in the front yard, with my bow and arrows, and hunted around for late autumn plants. I didn't feel like seeing anyone today, so I explored on my own.

26 October 1639

Linny still won't tell me what's wrong but she was awfully cold to Horuss when he came by yesterday, so something for sure is wrong. Well, I can't fix it for her. I have enough to worry about, with Equius carrying a torch for Aradia and Sollux falling for Feferi and Karkat and Terezi and Vriska and Tavros and everything else. They think I don't notice.

Anyways, I have enough with my own friends. Linny can manage hers.

27 October 1639

Speaking of Tavros and Vriska, Tavros and I went exploring today and he told me he thinks Vriska is awfully pretty. I think he's mad, and I told him as much. He asked why and I told him she can also be awfully cruel when she puts her mind to it. She almost killed him in their game, for goodness' sake.

"It's because she wants me to get better," he said.

"She knocks you out of trees to help you be better at the game? That's absurd," I said.

"No need to be rude!" he said.

"Oh. Sorry." I didn't mean to be rude, but I do think it's absurd. "Still. It doesn't make sense."

"It does. She tests me. When I pass, I'm going to be strong enough. I'm not strong now. I need to be stronger," he told me.

"Why? You seem plenty strong to me. Your family are ranchers, aren't they? And you help out," I said, which as far as I know is true.

"That's not all there is to it, though. I need to be strong of mind as well. And I'm not," he said.

"I don't think that's true," I said.

"Why not? You've seen me. I do whatever people tell me to do." He sounded miserable.

"And the solution to that…is to throw you out of a tree?" I asked. I still didn't understand.

"Well, yes," he said, as if that made perfect sense.

"I suppose I can't stop you," I said. I don't understand most people and this would seem to be an extension of that. "I'm not going to help you, though."

"How do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, I'm not going to talk to her for you, or anything, like I did for Aradia and Sollux."

"I-I don't need you to," he said.

"Alright," I said. "Let's go out to the river. I like the river."

So we went out to the river and didn't quite swim until it was high time we return for dinner.

29 October 1639

I'm a bit nervous for the festival. Of course I'm delighted to see my friends, but Karkat will be there and I might end up partnered with him in a big dance. Of course it wouldn't be for long, but I don't want to have to see him, much less touch him. I hardly like touching my family, and it's alright for dancing but I don't want to touch anyone I don't like.

I don't understand why my sister likes hugging. When we were little she'd hug me and it kind of hurt. It feels like a sunburn, almost, like I have to be aware of all my skin and it's not good. She hasn't since we got old enough to talk about it, and Mama never did since Linny told her. I have no idea why she likes that. Linny also likes celery, which hurts my teeth, and light clothes, which feel ticklish, and going barefoot, which makes me feel every particle of dirt. But then, she thinks I'm strange because I always like to wear my heavy cloak and keep records of things and keep things on time.

I know I'm not like other people. I don't see why that's such a problem for some people, though.

30 October 1639

I'm going to wear my skirt with the daisies on the hem for All Saints' this year. It's one of my favorites and my embroidery work is among my best. My friends all think my embroidery is lovely and I'm proud of it.

Anyways, I'm excited! It's going to be such fun. Good food and dancing and all my friends. It's a lot, almost too much, but it's a lot in a good way, if that makes sense. I love the festival. It feels warm and safe and friendly, and I know we're going to be alright-me and Linny and my friends and the whole village that's my home. I don't know that most of the time, so when I do, it's comforting.

Anyways, it's great fun. I'm excited!

31 October 1639

The festival was today and it was such fun! The music was beautiful. I love fiddle music. I did the fast dances we do with everyone until my feet hurt, and then I rested and ate and talked with my friends while we waited for our feet to feel better. Some other people were doing dances while we rested and it was lovely to watch them spin with the music.

After we rested, I ended up partnered with Karkat for one of the dances and I wasn't particularly happy about it at first, but he's still a good dancer, and it was fun to dance with him. I even found myself smiling at him, though not like I used to. After the dance, I thanked him, because it's only polite, and then went to dance the next dance with Equius.

He's very handsome, but I'm not sure I still feel the way I did. I felt around for it inside myself, and I couldn't seem to find the feelings I used to have about him. I didn't want to kiss him so much. I'm not sure it's gone, or if it will ever be, but it's not like it was.

I told Linny, on the way home, and I can tell she's happy for me. She's happy about it, anyways, and she's glad I'm not going to be worrying about it anymore. I can tell when she worries about me. She thinks I can't, but it's easy enough. Her forehead and nose crinkle up and she frowns just a little. Linny thinks I can't tell because I can't tell people's feelings from their faces at first look, but she makes that one a lot, and I've gotten quite good at recognizing it.

Anyways, she looked happy for me, and she said she was. I trust her. I always will.

1 November 1639

Today was All Saints' Day and it was so much fun! All Souls' is always wonderful but All Saints' is better. There was music and dancing and food and light and it was all so wonderful. My feet burned by the time I sat out a dance to eat some of the good things passed around-treats like orange slices and little cakes. Linny and I brought our own pudding, a recipe our mama taught us when we were younger, to share with everyone, and it seems like they liked it.

I danced with everyone, my friends and my sister's friends and other people in my village, and I danced with some of the very young children who don't know how yet. It's cute. They can only barely keep their feet under them and they step on my toes but they're so light it doesn't matter.

So I showed some of the little ones how to dance and had fun with my friends.

I didn't see Aradia there, or Damara. Their parents were there, Mr. and Mrs. Megido, but not the daughters. I thought about asking them, but it seemed like a bad idea on such a happy day. The others, though, are doing well. I saw Tavros and Vriska dancing together, and they seemed happy enough. Maybe it'll be alright for them. I hope so.

I'm exhausted. It's high time I went to bed. It's been a marvelous two days but now I'm just tired.

3 November 1639

Tavros and Equius and Kanaya and I went out into the woods today. It's going to start snowing soon, and this morning there was a lovely frost over everything. My friends and I went walking out to the river and then across it, to the clearing where the nightshade berries grow. Nightshade flowers are very pretty. I know they're dangerous, but they remind me of this fruit I saw once when Linny and I were small, when we lived with out birth parents. It's called a banana. We call them sea bananas sometimes because they have purple petals and it looks like they could grow under the sea.

Of course we didn't eat any, because I know better than that even though Equius doesn't remember which plants are poisonous. But it's a nice place to rest before we went back. We're finding new paths on the other side of the river, and I'm excited to see where they lead.

4 November 1639

I went to see Equius and Horuss today. Meulin was talking with Kurloz over tea about wedding plans and such. Meulin's worried about getting married before I'm old enough, of course, and Kurloz's father is putting pressure on him to marry. It reminds me of Feferi and Eridan and, come to think of it, Gamzee. Feferi's going to be married off to someone else and the other two need heirs. I suppose it's different, though, for the eldest son. Linny and I can't carry our family name like a man could, but we're going to pass on our traditions and our learning. But an eldest son has to carry on the name, especially nobles. No wonder her Kurloz is so worried.

6 November 1639

I worked on the harvesting today. We need to preserve everything for winter, from meat to plants to medicine. Our house is full of the food we'll need over the winter, and I'm preparing the herbs for when people get ill in the winter. We're short on the salve Meulin gives for cracking skin, and preparing the elderflower syrup is quite a task. I'm also working on the nettles. The nettle tea is very good for pain and inflammation, Meulin says, but you have to be careful. Walking through patches of nettles by the river, I've gotten the stings all up and down my arms and legs. I hate that awful tingly sensation. It doesn't last like poison ivy does, or burn like wild parsnip, but I think I hate it the most because of how damned unpleasant it feels.

Anyways, we're careful when we pick nettles, and we grow our own parsnip. A pair of good leather gloves goes a long way.

8 November 1639

I hope it snows soon. I like snow. Mama used to tell use snowflakes were gifts from angels up in heaven for us mortals on Earth. I hope I can make snowflakes when I go to heaven. I love snowflakes. They're so beautiful and precise.

Things are getting very exciting with all my friends. I think I'm going to have to write it all down to keep track!

Tavros likes Vriska, and Vriska maybe likes Tavros, in her own way.

Sollux likes Feferi, and Feferi likes him but can't marry him for political reasons.

Karkat likes Terezi, who might like him back.

Karkat likes Dave, who I don't even know if he loves men.

Dave likes Terezi, who might like him back, and the three of them make a nice little confusing triangle I have no idea what to do with.

I sort of like Karkat even though I know he doesn't like me, although it's getting better.

Kanaya likes Rose and Rose definitely likes her back, but neither of them have done anything about it.

Terezi and Vriska have something between them, but heaven only knows what considering how they act towards the ones they love.

Equius likes Aradia, although he says he doesn't because she's poor and Jewish, and she certainly doesn't like him.

Eridan likes Feferi for sure but, again, they couldn't get married for political reasons and I'm sure she doesn't like him.

I don't know John, Dave, Rose, and Jade as well, but:

John likes Vriska and I think she likes him back.

John and Dave might like each other? I'm not sure.

I think that's everyone. My goodness, it's a lot to keep track of. But I can do it. I want my friends to be happy and I want to help.

10 November 1639

I spent most of today sorting dried herbs, leaves from stems and seeds from pods. We have a set of jars for plain herbs, a set of jars for mixes, and then jars for things like poultices and salves. I love making the mixes and things that Meulin uses to treat people. She thinks I'm very helpful and she likes that she can focus on treating people while I make the medicines. In another life I'd have liked to study chemistry, I think, or biology. Or medicine. Or whatever it is that's about medicines. Or medicine for animals! There's so much I'd love to learn.

11 November 1639

I made a salve today for dry skin like people get in the winter, and a mix of ground herbs for mixing in with food to take for a sour stomach. Our mortar and pestle are…heirlooms, I suppose is the nice way to say it. They're quite old. I'd like us to spend some money on new ones, because we use them all the time. I'd ask my sister for Christmas, but she doesn't like getting practical things for presents. She likes to get me something fun or special. I'll just ask her regular.

13 November 1639

We got down the money jar and counted it out, and we'll have enough to buy a new mortar and pestle. I'll go into the village tomorrow and investigate what there is, so I can pick a good one.

14 November 1639

There are plenty of options, but I think in the end I'm going to buy one from the stone mason. He's going to make it a bit smaller for me, because I'm small, with a good handle. It'll be good, since I use it so often. I'm not going to get rid of the old one, of course, because it was our mama's and I love her. But I'll use the new one, too.

Meulin thinks it's odd that I want to keep the old one when we're getting the new one. But making medicines is what Mama did, too, and I don't want to get rid of her things. I want to keep her with us, so I want to keep around the tools she used.

16 November 1639

I picked up the new mortar and pestle today and they felt good in my hands. I ground up the thyme today and boiled the needles for stitching. I also worked on a needlepoint. Sometimes people buy me embroidery and needlepoint, and it's good to have the money. We use it to buy milk from Tavros's family and fabric from Mr. Henderson and shoes from Mr. Bennet.

One of these days we're going to see a play. There's a theater only a few miles from our home and the players stop there sometimes. We just have to keep an eye on when.

17 November 1639

We all went into the woods today and played hide-and-seek. I win a lot because know the woods the best of anyone, but Tavros and Kanaya are also pretty good at finding spots to hide. I like to go up; Tavros usually goes down. Equius is not very good at hiding. He's good at seeking, but he's not good at hiding. Equius moves like he doesn't quite know what to do with his own body. I think it's because he's been getting so much taller lately. If what I learned from the biology books is right, he's going to have a beard soon.

I'm only barely tall enough for the biology books, but if I stand on tiptoe I can get them. Mama always said I can read what I can reach, and soon I can reach all the books. Anyways, there's a bunch of books on human biology and anatomy and things. I read that boys grow a lot of hair and getting a lot taller a lot faster and…develop in other ways. Bodies have to change an awful lot from children so they're ready to have babies.

I think Meulin means to explain to me about sex, but she doesn't have to. It's in the books. I know about my breasts and my bleeding, and I know if I get married I'll probably have sex with my husband. It's supposed to be quite nice. I suppose I can write here, where no one will read it, that I've thought about it. I remember feeling too hot sometimes when I looked at Karkat and I don't feel it as much anymore, but that's what that was, I think. I wanted him. It's a very nice feeling.

I suppose that's why Meulin wants to get married. It must be quite overwhelming to have someone.

18 November 1639

The river's going to freeze soon. I'm excited to go skating! I think our mama told us she used to have ice skates, but they sold them a long time ago. Maybe someday we'll save our pennies for skates. It would be so much fun!

Someday, we will.

20 November 1639

Linny and I went to the graveyard today and it was awful. Linny started crying and I just sat there, staring at the stone that marks where our mama is buried. She's dead. She loved us and she took care of us when no one else ever would have and she's gone. I miss her so much.

We sat there together, holding hands, for a long time. We both miss her. I think we always will. There's no way to stop missing our mama. We just build a new life around the ache.

21 November 1639

I caught another squirrel today! I practice almost every day, sometimes with the target and sometimes out in the forest, and I'm getting really good. I showed Equius and he was very impressed! I knew he would be. He's proud of me. I'd like to teach him to shoot, but he's almost broken my bows enough times that I don't want to let him near them. If he buys his own I'll try to teach him, but I won't let him use mine. I need it to hunt. We can't go hungry again, Linny and me. I won't let us.

23 November 1639

I worked in the garden today, preparing for winter. I put leaves over the soil and planted the bulbs and got everything ready. Mostly I worked in Mama's garden, but I worked in the flower garden too. I'm looking forwards to watching the daffodils bloom. It's those and the snowdrops that bloom the first, and they mark the beginning of spring. I can't wait for spring. Winter can be lovely, but in winter nothing grows and it makes me nervous. Linny and I always preserve more than we think we'll need, but I worry one day it won't be enough. We can hunt, but it's hard without vegetables.

I'm worried. I hope the plants are alright until next year.

25 November 1639

I found a glass jar today in Mama's cabinet next to her book and I wasn't sure what it was, since it wasn't labeled. I opened it and realized all at once that it was the first batch of blossoms from the flower garden when it was new. I gathered up the dead, dried flowers to bring inside because I wanted to keep them warm. I didn't want them to be cold and hungry outside and Mama helped me gather then up and bring them inside to be warm.

I cried a little bit and put the jar in my room. The flowers are safe there.

27 November 1639

We packed up the seeds today in their jars and cooked up some more elderflower syrup and smoked more meat and hung up the onions. The house is full of food and I know it's going to be alright. Linny and I are going to have plenty. I'll make sure of it.

30 November 1639

Nothing much has happened the past few days. I've been working and reading and playing with my friends, like I always do. Linny had a nightmare and came crashing into my room, completely whipped into a frenzy. She told me she had a bad dream and needed make sure I was alright. And I was. I am.

1 December 1639

I'm excited for Christmas and Advent! It's always a lovely time. Even though it's cold and dark, there's no more work to be done and everyone has enough and people are kind and it's fun. Dark it may be, but it's bright inside and it's easy to be warm inside with the people I love.

3 December 1639

Today was the first Sunday of Advent, which is for hope. There is always hope. Things have always gotten better. No matter how painful things are, no matter how hungry we were, no atter how lost I felt, things have always gotten better. I know that life isn't fair, but I refuse to believe that I have to be cruel. I'm going to be make things better for myself and for everyone.

I'm excited for Christmas. It's going to be such fun!

5 December 1639

The snow is perfectly lovely. I love the delicate way it coats the bare tree branches and the lines it makes on the roof of our home. It's warm and cozy indoors, and crisp and beautiful outdoors. And I can wear my heavy cloak, which makes me feel relaxed and safe.

If food grew in the winter, I think it'd be my favorite season.

8 December 1639

I went to Equius's house again today. I always like spending time with him, even if his house is too big and his father tries too hard to take care of us. No matter what happens, I know Equius is there for me. He always listens when I have problems and he cares a lot and he tries to keep me out of danger. I try to be a good friend to him, too. I tell him when he's being silly and listen when he talks about his worries, and I care about him. I always will.

Anyways, we had tea and talked and just sat quietly together. It was wonderful.

10 December 1639

Today was the second Sunday of Advent, which is for joy. Linny asked me at dinner if it'd be alright for her to get married before I'm eighteen. I told her it'd be fine, probably, but not just yet.

She said it still wouldn't be for a while, but she doesn't want to treat me like a baby. She still calls me Kitty and sometimes treats me like a baby and I'd like it if she wouldn't. She was seventeen when Mama passed away and we're fine. I'd be just fine if she got married when I was seventeen. I can hunt and work in the garden and all that.

I'm going to be an aunt soon! I'm so excited for Meulin's children. They're going to be so cute and it'll be such fun to play with the little ones. I don't know how I feel about having my own children, especially not right now, but I'm excited for Meulin's little ones.

12 December 1639

I went to see Aradia today. She came to see me, but didn't really respond much when I tried to talk to her. I asked how her sister was and she told me to shut up and leave her alone! I was pretty surprised and went to talk with Tavros and Kanaya.

"Does anyone know what happened?" I asked. "I don't know why she'd be so upset just because I asked how Damara is. Is she worse?"

"I don't think so," Kanaya said. "As far as I know they're just…the same. Not talking to anyone."

"I'm worried," I said. "Aradia used to be so happy."

"People change, though," Kanaya said. "We can't expect them to."

"But something's wrong," I said. "I'm worried about her."

"You can't be responsible for everyone else being happy," Kanaya said. I could tell she was trying to be gentle like Linny does with me, when I'm scared or tired or when we were little and I was hungry.

"I know," I said. "But I want to help her. I want to be a good friend to her when she's having a hard time."

"Me too," Tavros said. "But I don't know how."

Kanaya sighed. "We're old enough to know things aren't easy, hardly ever."

"That's true," I agreed.

We didn't talk about much else serious after that.

14 December 1639

Meulin said she told Kurloz today they can get married when I'm seventeen. I'll be plenty ready by then. I'm good at hunting and I can keep the garden and make the medicines and I can definitely take care of Button.

I think we should find a boy cat for Button to have babies with. I'd like to have another cat when Button gets old and passes on. We've had a cat since I was a little girl. I want to keep having a cat for much longer.

17 December 1639

Today was the third Sunday of Advent, which is for peace. I do feel at peace right now, relatively speaking. I don't like that things don't grow in the winter, but we can hunt and we have plenty preserved, so I'm not scared. Things are going to be alright.

19 December 1639

Today I went out to the woods and across the rope bridge to the far side of the river. I went alone, because I like to explore alone sometimes. I went to the clearing we found full of poison berries, and then I went a bit further. I didn't find anything much, but it was nice to walk in the snowy woods and just be at peace with the world.

21 December 1639

I don't know what I'll get my sister for Christmas. She's fussing about her Kurloz's present, and I presume about mine, too, but she wouldn't tell me that. I want to get my sister something lovely for Christmas because this might be her last Christmas at home and I want her to have a good one, and also because I love her. I'm going to go shopping tomorrow with my friends and we'll figure out what to get for our families.

23 December 1639

I found it! I found her a sweet romance novel that I know she'll love. Meulin loves romance books. I'd say she likes them even more than I do, which is saying something. So I'm getting her a book. Anyways, books are the best. We love books in our house. We have lots of books. We inherited most of them, but I like having them. It's nice to have so much knowledge in our house.

24 December 1639

I'm so excited for Christmas! I spent time with my friends today and we talked about what we're going to do tomorrow. I'm going to see my friends at the festival tomorrow and we're going to have such fun. I can't wait to dance! I'm so excited I can hardly write.

I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'm going to need it!

25 December 1639

Christmas today! It was so much fun! Linny gave me the loveliest mug and she was so excited about the book. We made the most delicious Christmas dinner like we always have, a roast and Yorkshire pudding (it's the wrong way but it tastes better) and green beans with nuts and a delicious pudding. We went to the festival, too. I danced with all my friends. Aradia wasn't there but everyone else was and we danced all the dances, the fast ones and the slow ones and the silly ones.

It was so much fun. I'm exhausted, though. It's time I went to bed.

27 December 1639

I didn't do anything yesterday, which was very nice. It was nice to get some rest and not do anything, because normally I have so much to do. Linny and I lounged around the library and read and sat close around the fire. We held hands like we do, because it's much better than hugging, and read romance books together and made fun of the characters when they're silly. Linny said that's not what romance is-it's softer and kinder and much, much less dramatic.

29 December 1639

Equius's father got very sick today. Meulin ran to treat him and Equius came to my home and sat on the sofa with me and sat very, very still.

"Equius?"

"Yes?"

"Are you alright?"

He swallowed. "No."

"It's really scary when your parent is sick. I'm sorry."

"I am scared."

"I know," I said. I took his hand and held it. "You can talk to me. Or not. Whatever you want. I'm here."

He nodded and we sat together for a long time. He cried a little, quietly, and I got him some good tea and a handkerchief and a little bit of fruit. His father is alright, but his health isn't good. I hope Equius is alright.

30 December 1639

Equius seemed a bit better today in the village. He and I spent time with Tavros and Kanaya in the square near the fountain. I hope he's alright. I know how scary it was when Mama was ill. I just hope his father makes it.

31 December 1639

Tomorrow it's going to be 1640! Linny and I are going to stay up together, of course, waiting for the grandfather clock to strike midnight. And then it will be a whole new year! My goodness, how the time flies. I feel like not long ago it was 1638. It doesn't feel like all that long ago that Linny and I left our birth parents, and yet it feels like another lifetime.

I'm going to make this a good year. I don't care what else happens. It's going to be a good year.


	9. Leftovers

1 January 1640

We stayed home today, Linny and me, and read books and knitted and such and it was so nice. It was good to relax and have a nice, calm day. I'm excited to see my friends tomorrow! We're going to have such fun. It's going to be lovely. I'm excited to see what the new year holds. I'm going to be a good hunter, and I'm going to put more down in my project, and things are going to be good.

I had a nice day. I wish they days could all be so calm.

3 January 1640

I thought I didn't like Karkat anymore, but today we were all in the village and I saw him holding hands with Terezi and it hurt a lot, much more than I thought it would. He looked so happy. He never looks that happy. He smiled more than I've ever seen him before and it…it hurts. I know I'm different and that's probably not why but it sure feels like it. He told me he didn't like me and now he has a prettier, richer, more normal girl. Of course he does.

He looked very happy. I shouldn't be upset.

5 January 1640

Equius and I spent time together at my home today, and I told him about Karkat and Terezi.

"I know she's better than me," I said, and I was going to say more, but Equius interrupted me.

"She is not," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked

"Terezi is not better than you," he said confidently.

"She's prettier, from a better family, smarter, and more-more normal," I said

"None of those things are true," he said.

"She's more normal for sure," I said.

"No one is normal," he said, with a seriousness I've never heard from him before. "You are not normal. Neither am I. That hardly matters. You are my best friend, and I love you. Kakrat does not know what he is missing." He sounded so authoritative.

"You-you don't want to be-be with me, do you?" I asked, suddenly really nervous.

He looked shocked. "Oh, no. You are my friend. I do not feel that way about you."

"Oh, good," I said. "You're my best friend, too."

He smiled and we read for a while. It's nice to know he doesn't think Terezi's better than me. She's my friend and I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it.

7 January 1640

Linny asked me today if she treats me like a child. She does, a little, sometimes, but it only bothers me a little. She doesn't think I'm dumb or broken like some people, and she is trying to raise me. She's not our mama, but she feels like she has to raise me. I don't really need raising-I'm sixteen. I'm pretty much done. I know how to shoot and how to hunt and how to make bread and all that. I'm not really an adult, but I will be fine on my own. Meulin will be happy when she gets married. I'm happy for her.

I'm excited to be an aunt and have little nieces and nephews. It's going to be such fun. I'm definitely not old enough to raise my own children, but I'd love to play with Meulin's.

9 January 1640

Kanaya is working up her courage to talk with Rose properly. I know I shouldn't be jealous, because they can't get married and have babies like others can, but at least they like each other. They can be happy together.

I'm tired. It's cold. I miss Mama.

11 January 1640

The grief comes at the oddest times. Sometimes I think I'm going to be alright, and I don't miss our mama anymore, but then sometimes I just want to curl up in bed and cry. I don't know how to keep living without her. Our mama wasn't perfect. She was sad and hurting inside, and I know it was hard for her to raise us. Sometimes she couldn't be there for us when we needed her. Sometimes she sat with us but she wasn't really there. But she loved us, and she took care of us, when no one else did.

I miss Mama. I know I'm going to be alright on my own, but I wish she was here with us. I wish my family was all together. Meulin's going to get married and Mama's gone, and it's just going to be me and Button in the house. I hope I don't get lonely.

14 January 1640

I'm very good at hunting these days. I shot all the meat we needed for dinner yesterday. Now we'll have stew for a few days, all because of what I did! I like hunting. In the winter it's harder because you have to sit more still and be more careful, but I'm good at it. Linny's much too bouncy for it, but then, Linny's always liked different things than me. We're sisters, not identical.

I will miss her.

16 January 1640

Karkat and Terezi were together again today and I saw him give her a kiss on the cheek. I know I should be happy for them, and I'm trying, but it's not working very well. I'm also trying to be happy for Kanaya and Rose, who I saw holding hands in the market today. I know lots of my friends aren't happy with someone else-Sollux, for certain, still misses Aradia-but it still feels like I'm the only one by myself.

18 January 1640

Rose came today to explore the woods with us. There's snow over everything and it's really lovely. So Equius and Tavros and Kanaya and Rose came over to me and went to walk out to the river. It was frozen enough to skate on, so we did, and it was such fun! I really do like Rose. I've only met her a few times, but she's great. Kanaya's nice, but she can be a bit quiet. Rose is not shy at all. She was on the ice hardly after I was, and she's never been before.

I like her. She's good for Kanaya, I think.

20 January 1640

Jade came with us too, today. So it was Equius and Tavros and Jade and me. Tavros is slower than he used to be, these days, but his legs are getting back to normal slowly. Meulin's not sure he'll ever walk normally again, but at least he can walk. I don't understand why he likes Vriska. She's not kind to him. I don't understand why you'd want to be with someone who wasn't kind to you.

I know Karkat doesn't always act kind, but he is deep down. I wouldn't like him if he wasn't kind.

22 January 1640

It's really beautiful right now. I love the way the snow looks on the tree branches. I like to go for walks by myself when it's snowy, because it's soft and quiet and I want to stay out forever. It's just beautiful.

Linny doesn't like hunting in the winter. It's too cold for her and she says it makes her hands hurt. She forgets to put on hand salve in the winter, so I suppose the cold makes her skin crack and peel while mine doesn't as much. I also remember my gloves when I go out. They're good leather and I can hunt and climb when I'm wearing them, so I prefer them anyways. It's just nicer.

Anyways, we've got dinner for the next few nights, so I get to go walking. It's nice to be alone sometimes. I don't have to think about how to act right when I'm by myself.

24 January 1640

I took my friends into the woods, but this time Jade noticed the path to the graveyard and asked where that trail left. It's more obvious now because it hasn't snowed in a few days and I went to visit Mama when I last went walking.

"We can't go that way," I said.

"Why not?"

"It's private."

"It's part of the woods! Who could own it?"

"I don't know who owns it. What does that have to do with anything? It's private, and we're not going that way."

"Please?" Jade asked.

"No," I said. "We're not going there. Come on."

I saw her looking down the path and I hope she doesn't try to go on her own. She could get lost and it's mine and Linny's. It's for family. Our mama went there to mourn her family and we go there now to mourn her. It's not for friends. I doubt it ever was.

26 January 1640

It was bitter cold outside today and windy. The snow felt like tiny needles poking at my bare skin. Linny and I mostly stayed inside, doing things like mending and knitting-things we don't have time for in the summer so we get done in the winter. The year cycles like this: we plant, we grow, we harvest, we preserve, and then we fix all the things we wore out during the year. And then we plant again.

It's nice. I like it. I like that the years are basically the same, because it means I can focus on the things that change and the basic things are known.

Anyways, I'm good at knitting. I'm practicing cabling now on a new scarf. We have one proper cabling needle with a dip in it, but Linny's not much for fancy patterns so I get to use it most of the time.

29 January 1640

A couple of my friends are sick right now-Jade and Kanaya, specifically. It's the time of year for it. Goodness knows people can get sick any time of year, and hurt any time of year, but it seems people tend to get sick more in the winter. When Meulin's out doing her work, I keep the house in shape and fix things up.

She's been out of the house lately, taking care of people with their colds and fevers. So I've been mixing the medicines, making bread, mending our skirts, all that. I don't mind. It's good to have something to do with my hands when I'm alone. I sit with the fire and make things. I do enjoy making things. It's nice to have made something in the world. Even when everything feels like it's falling apart, I know I can make things.

31 January 1640

Apparently everyone's getting smallpox. Linny's trying to keep me out of the village, which is absurd, because I remember getting smallpox. It was miserable. I suppose she can't help but worry.

I help her with the laundry, anyways. When the boils burst, it's pretty awful, and sheets and clothes tend to become quite disgusting. I hate cleaning those things-I swear I can feel my skin crawling-but I can if I have to. I just need to wash my hands myself afterwards. A few times.

My friends don't have smallpox, thank goodness. Just a sniffle like people get in the winter.

2 February 1640

Meulin's been awfully busy, so I've been taking care of the hunting and the cooking. I'm also getting things ready for planting. The ground is still frozen, of course, but I'm getting the seeds out and figuring the best time to plant each one. Different plants grow best at different times, and it's important to know which is which.

Anyways, I'm perfectly capable of keeping house on my own. In fact, I'd say I'm quite good at it.

4 February 1640

My friends and I went walking again today, pushing through the snow to the river. It's still cold enough to skate on, although I doubt it will be for much longer. It stays frozen for a long time, but it has to be thick enough for us to skate on. If the ice is too thin, we could fall through, and with the river rushing underneath it could be fatal. So we're careful when we skate.

6 February 1640

Meulin's very busy. My friends are safe, but Kanaya's worried about her aunt and I know the little ones in the village need to be careful. Smallpox is hard on the village. It comes around every few years, and every time it's hard. But Meulin's good at what she does, and we're going to be alright.

Anyways, we have plenty enough.

8 February 1640

Kurloz came by today while Meulin was in the village. He asked where she was, which i thought was odd, but told him she was in the village. He asked when she'd be back, and I said probably late night, because she's treating everyone in the village. He asked why she doesn't get help, and I said she knows how to do it all and she's had smallpox already so she can't get it again, like me.

He seemed a bit confused, so I told him everyone's ill and he'd best go back home before he caught it. I'm not sure if he's had smallpox, but it's better to be safe than sorry with this sort of thing. And he left.

I told Meulin he came by, and she was sad she missed him, but she is busy. She'll see him when this is over.

11 February 1640

Terezi came into the woods with us today and that would be fine because I like her, but she brought Karkat too. While we were walking and exploring, they were holding hands the entire time. And he kept looking at her with big lovey-dovey eyes like how Kurloz looks at my sister. I don't want to not let him come with us into the woods, but they're my woods and I don't want to have to see them being happy together every day.

That sounds terrible, I know it does. But it does hurt.

13 February 1640

The snowdrops are blooming. I like snowdrops; they're the loveliest little things, popping up out of the snowy ground before spring begins. It's nice to know things grow in the winter. Winter makes me nervous, especially at the end of the winter when we start to run out of some of our food. I know we can hunt enough, especially between me and Linny, but I don't like it when we don't have lots of food to spare.

We'll plant the garden again soon, and the plants that grow every year will grow again, and it will all be just fine. I know it.

16 February 1640

Terezi and Karkat came into the woods again, and I wanted to go to the spring and see what it's like in the snow, but Karkat doesn't have good boots for hiking in the snow so we didn't. I wanted to, but then I'd have to leave them behind and that wouldn't be kind. I'm trying to be kind.

Karkat likes to lead the way and show Terezi around as if he knows the woods better than her or me. He does seem to know what he's talking about. Goodness knows he's better at showing people around than I am. I know these woods by heart, but I've never been much good at leading people around.

I don't think I'm much good at most things to do with people. I do my best, and I'm right about most of my friends, but it's hard when it comes to saying the right things. Just because I know how they feel doesn't mean I know what to do about it.

18 February 1640

The village doesn't need Meulin as much right now, so she's been sleeping a lot. I just keep doing what I always do: hunting, cooking, keeping an eye on the plants and animals so I know when it's right to plant. It'd be nice if planting was the same date every year, but you have to keep an eye on the frost. If the frost seems to be gone but then it freezes again, the plants can be shot.

I'm thinking of starting some inside this year in pots and seeing how that goes. Then if the growing season starts late, or a late frost comes, we'll still have some plants for outside.

21 February 1640

I went out to the spring on my own today. It's a long hike-one our mama only made the path when she was older. She told us she knew the creek was there her entire life, but she only followed it back after she lost her first family. I don't know why.

I like the spring a lot. I'm not sure anyone but Linny and me know the way. It's a winding path and at one point you have to cross the creek to avoid some very pointy thistles, so I don't know if anyone us two could find it. It's nice that there's a few places that are just for me and my sister.

23 February 1640

Meulin and I sat together today and she crocheted while I planted seeds in some pots, to test them. She's making some new potholders and a trivet. We also cooked up some new batches of the medicines today, especially the one for dry skin. Hopefully the warm weather means less dry skin. Linny will be glad, certainly.

It's nice to spend time with my sister. We both have so much to do these days, keeping the house and taking care of people and her about to get married. So it's nice when we get to spend time together.

25 February 1640

Terezi came to the woods today with Tavros and Jade and Kanaya and me, and she didn't bring Karkat, which was a huge relief. If she leaves him behind sometimes, I think that will be much easier. He seems to prefer being indoors anyways. I can't imagine that. I suspect he comes out to the woods with us because he and his brother do not get along. I've met Kankri. Everyone says he's annoying, and he is, but it seems to me he's mostly just ignorant. He doesn't know a lot, but he pretends he does, which is very irritating.

I don't blame Linny for not liking him. I don't much either. But Porrim does, and she doesn't like men at all, so maybe he's kinder once you know him.

27 February 1640

I went hunting today. The plants in the pots are doing well and I got a couple of rabbits for us. We're not going to go hungry. I won't let us.

1 March 1640

I'm excited for spring. I love the green leaves on the trees, the flower buds emerging from the ground, the spray from the flooding river. It all feels like life is coming back to the world. There's something about all the green that makes me feel alive myself.

Linny has been smiling more lately. She likes the green, too. We started our lives in a gray castle, and now we live in a green forest. Our old lives were all black and gray and blue where our new lives are green and brown and pink.

3 March 1640

Karkat and Terezi came to the woods today, but they drifted off from the rest of the group. I know Terezi knows not to go to the graveyard, but I don't know if Karkat does. They can't go there. I don't want anyone to, but for some reason the idea of them going to my family's graveyard together without me feels even worse.

6 March 1640

I've been having nightmares these past few nights. I don't know why. They're usually the same-Linny and me are in our old room, in the castle where we used to live. We're together at first, playing, and usually Miss Leon, Linny's old tutor, is there, too. She used to give us food. But then Miss Leon is gone, and Linny's too far away for me to reach, and they keep getting further away until it's just me, alone, in a big, cold room. My stomach aches with hunger and I'm cold and I can't get warm and when it hurts so much I think I'll die from it I wake up.

Then I usually go downstairs and have some tea and whatever food I can find. It helps.

8 March 1640

The potted plants are doing quite well. I'm sure they'll be in a good place to plant come the true thaw. It's warmer, but the ground is still frozen. Our mama said the first thaw used to come earlier, but I don't remember that. I wasn't even born back then.

Anyways, that doesn't change what happens now. We still have to plant and grow and hunt and all that. It may have been different then, but we have to grow the garden now.

10 March 1640

It's warm enough to spend time in the village with my friends these days. It's nice when it's sunny and lovely like this. I love being outside. Indoors sometimes feels it will drive me mad, keeping me trapped inside. Outdoors, it feels free and wonderful.

I wish things were easier. Aradia's so sad these days, and I can hardly stand to be around Terezi and Karkat when they look at each other like that, and goodness knows my friends from the city have enough on their hands. But Equius will always be my good friend, and Tavros is always game to explore with me, and Kanaya's always been kind (and more level-headed than most of us). It'll be alright.

12 March 1640

I went exploring today with Equius and Tavros and Kanaya and Rose. We crossed the river on the rope bridge and followed a deer path further out than I ever have before. We found some lovely berry bushes, but I didn't recognize them so we didn't eat any (of course). You'd have to be pretty dim to eat berries you don't recognize. I brought some leaves and berries back to check with my botanical books. I hope they're edible!

14 March 1640

It turns out they're elderberries! I thought so. Meulin uses them in the medicines, so that's good. I'll go tomorrow or the next day and gather them properly. It'll be a nice walk. It might be nice to be by myself for a while anyways. I'm tired of trying to do things right.

16 March 1640

Meulin told me thanks for the berries today. I went by myself with my berry basket and gathered for a few hours alone. It was really nice. It was hard to cross the bridge back with my baskets of berries, and I'm thinking about making a rope to be able to pass baskets back and forth across the bridge. It would be very useful.

19 March 1640

Kanaya and Rose and Jade came out walking with me today. It was fun except that Rose and Kanaya were flirting, I think. They were being sarcastic with each other and such, which I think is how they show affection. People can be very strange.

Anyways, it was fun. I showed them to the elderberry patch. My friends are fun to spend time with, even when they are flirting with each other.

21 March 1640

Tavros came with me and Equius and Jade into the woods today and he brought Vriska and I wish he hadn't. She makes me nervous. We went to the clearing with the brambles near it because I didn't want to take Vriska to anywhere that's important to me. I'm afraid she'd ruin anything I liked just because I said I liked it.

I don't understand why Tavros likes her. He looks at her with these big, loving eyes, and I don't understand it.

23 March 1640

I was in the village today with everyone and it was nice, but I can't help but feel a bit…unnecessary. Everyone else has someone, and I'm just…me. Tavros has Vriska, Kanaya has Rose, Terezi has Karkat, all my friends from the city have their own planned marriages, and our new friends from the village I don't know that well. And then Aradia's not doing well, and Sollux is with Feferi I think, even Meulin has her Kurloz. I just feel like an extra part someone tacked on that doesn't do anything.

I suppose Equius will always be my best friend. And I can do my best to make everyone else happy, if I don't get to be happy myself.

25 March 1640

I tried talking to Linny today. I told her I feel like we don't talk as much anymore and I miss her. I said I wanted to see her even though she's so busy and going to be married. I know she worries about me and she wants to raise me properly, and I don't want to worry her more. I just don't want her to also not need me.

27 March 1640

Tavros and Vriska are certainly together. I saw them kissing today in Sheppard's Alley. Linny hates that alley. It's where she was when our mama found her, shaking with fever and soaked to the bone. She ran away on her own. I remember it, even though I was only seven. She told me she was going to leave and go get food for us. She said she'd be back for me and she'd bring me something good to eat. She said I could come but I was too little and too scared to leave myself.

It was a month later she came back for me, but with more than food-with our new mama. She took me out of the castle and our mama didn't carry me until she had to because Linny told her I don't like being touched.

She nursed us back to health and gave us warm rooms to sleep in and she took care of us and loved us. More than anything else, Mama loved us.

29 March 1640

Today my friends and I started building something to carry baskets across the river. It's just a length of rope over the bridge with a second, smaller piece over it to tie a basket to. You can push the second piece across the first while walking with a longer length of rope, so you don't have to carry a basket while crossing the bridge. Everyone said it sounded like a great idea so we started today. It should be ready in a few days!

31 March 1640

Equius can always tell when something's wrong with me. He asked today while we were out walking, just the two of us, and I said nothing. He said he knew I was lying and I burst into tears. I felt awful about it but I couldn't help it.

"Nepeta. What is wrong?" he asked.

"No one needs me," I said.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his forehead wrinkled up in confusion.

"Everyone else has someone and I'm just extra. No one wants me or needs me and I don't know why I bother when I'm never going to be like everyone else," I said, and I was crying.

"I need you," he said.

"What?" I sniffled.

"You are my best friend, Nepeta. I need you. I…I do not know what I would do without you."

"Oh. Um. Thank you. You're my best friend, too. I love you, you know."

He smiled. "I love you too."

It's nice to know that I'm not extraneous to him. He's one of the most important people in the world for me. Between Linny and Equius, I'll be alright.


	10. Summer Storm

2 April 1640

Sollux and Tavros's families are getting very nervous because the ground is still very hard. We've had a few years of bad harvests, and people's reserves are running low. Linny and I still have enough, but I can't sit by while my friends go hungry.

I'm going to start hunting more. I want to be ready.

4 April 1640

The potted plants are doing just fine indoors. We have to remember to water them, of course, but I can do that. I'll let them grow inside until it's warm enough to take them outside. We've also planted some of our seeds, but not all of them-some start later.

Sollux's family farms, so of course they're nervous, but I was confused about Tavros's family. He said it's that they need enough hay to keep the cows alive, and so the girl cows can have calves for next year. I hope the cows do alright. They're really sweet! Buttercup, the big one with the heart-shaped spot, likes to come up to us and say hello. I like the cows a lot. Tavros and I agree that dealing with cows is a lot easier than dealing with people.

But Button is my favorite. She's my cat and I love her.

6 April 1640

Speaking of Button, I think we should find a boy cat so she can have kittens. She isn't so old I'm worried-she's only seven, I think-but I do want us to have kittens so when she does pass on we still have a cat.

Although with how cold it still is, that's not really my top priority. Button should have kittens when the weather's safe for them, and when we have the time to help her. Goodness, kittens! I remember when Button was new. She was the cutest thing in the world. I could hold her in one hand. She was a bit vicious when she was tiny, but she learned quickly that we loved her and wanted to take care of her-a bit like Linny and me, I suppose. We were nervous at first but we learned quickly that Mama loved us.

8 April 1640

I know it's mad, but I miss my birth parents sometimes. No, that's not quite it. It's hard to explain. It's like I'm grieving who I could've been and the family I could've had. It doesn't make sense to miss something that never was or could have been, I think, but I wish sometimes that our birth parents had loved us.

They didn't let us eat. I grieve sometimes, what my life could've been like if they had let us have enough.

10 April 1640

I think it's high time we start transplanting some of the potted plants. I went to work in the garden today. I used to hate the garden, because of how the dirt felt on my skin. It's not so bad now. I like gardening, sometimes, because I like doing something with my hands. I feel like I'm doing good work. Anyways, I can wear my good gloves.

The plants are growing well. I hope they keep growing well.

12 April 1640

Meulin's getting married on June fifth. It's so soon! She's making her dress and everything, and I'm making one too. She's only going to have one bridesmaid-me-and she says even if she had a bunch of bridesmaids I'd still be her maid of honor. I know if I get married, I'll want Meulin there for me.

I don't know if I'll get married. I liked Karkat an awful lot, but there hasn't been anyone since. There's so much happening I hardly have time to think about boys (or girls). Meulin's always wanted a big romantic wedding and a husband she loves, and I do too, but I'm not sure that'll happen for me any time soon.

I hope there's someone, though. It would be nice to get married. It'd be so lovely, I think, to promise someone all your love, and have that promise from them to keep in your heart. I could never be afraid, I think, if I had that promise in my heart.

14 April 1640

I'm going to help Linny embroider her wedding dress, of course. I'm going to put forget-me-nots on it. They're blue, like the dress, with some green (Meulin's and my favorite color) and some yellow for a bright color. And forget-me-nots mean a lot to us. They grow in the flower garden and where Mama is buried, and I trust them. They take care of Mama's grave when we're not there, and they guard the happy memories of our home.

I know they're just flowers, but they're also lovely little blue buds that come back every year and grow where the people I love are. So I trust them, and I'm going to put them on Meulin's wedding dress so they can be with her when she starts her new life.

16 April 1640

This was a bad day for Mama, I remember. I asked Equius if the date meant anything, and he asked his father, who apparently went terribly pale and then said no, but he was lying. Kanaya says her father said there was a public execution on this day a long time ago, before I was born, but it's not as if those are that rare. I'm not even sure why he'd remember. Maybe he was there, but I'm not sure why. We don't go to the city often in this village, and not for public executions!

Anyways, I spent most of today in the village with Equius and Kanaya and Tavros (not Vriska, luckily). It was nice.

19 April 1640

I'll have to make myself a nice dress, too! Not a wedding dress, of course, but I can make a nicer version of one of my usual dresses. I'm going to be Linny's maid of honor-I want to make her look good next to me. She deserves to have a wonderful wedding day!

And I like to look nice, too. When I go hunting, I don't worry about being pretty, but I like to be beautiful sometimes (or try to, anyways).

21 April 1640

Kurloz hasn't been staying much for dinner lately. I don't mind, but I can see Meulin's a bit sad about it. He's terribly busy putting the wedding together, she says. I can imagine it must be quite an affair!

I went hunting for a long time today, to clear my head. I'm happy for Meulin, but now that it's going to happen so soon, I'm a bit nervous. I hope I'll be alright on my own. It'll be just me and Button. Button can take care of herself. I hope I can too. I know I can live with Equius's family if I have to, but I don't want to leave this house. It's home here. I don't understand how Meulin can. If I get married, my husband will come live here with me.

23 April 1640

My friends and I went walking in the woods today, out to the rope bridge. I showed them where the nightshade berries grow, and Jade asked if we use them for anything like with nettles. I don't think we do. They're poisonous enough to kill with just a few berries. Nettles are poisonous, but not that bad. They don't even hurt so much if you pull away quick enough. Goodness know I've been stung enough times.

Speaking of nettles, Tavros got into some as we were walking back. He's not as quick on his feet as he used to be since Vriska pushed him off the bridge, and so when he tripped, he just fell right into them. Jade and Kanaya and I managed to pull him out, but he'd already started to blister. It won't last more than a day, maybe two, but it will not be a fun day for him. Linny has some plants she uses for nettles, but it's still no fun.

I really don't trust Vriska. I don't understand how you could do that to someone you say you love. I never want to hurt the ones I love.

25 April 1640

I told my friends about the wedding and they're very excited for me! Jade's from the middle of nowhere, so she was excited about the dancing, and Kanaya about the fancy clothes, and Tavros about the good food. I'm excited about all of it! I can't wait to tell them all about it.

Linny's dress is coming along nicely. She's going to be so beautiful! It's pretty exciting.

I am nervous, though. I've never had to be on my own before. I've never had to support myself before. I can shoot well, and I can garden, and take care of Button, and all that, but I've always had Meulin or Mama or even Miss Leon to fall back on. I hope I'll be alright on my own.

Button's made her presence known, so I think it's time I put my journal down and pet her. She's very sweet.

27 April 1640

It's good to know Equius will always be there for me. We went for a walk today, just the two of us, and talked about growing up. He wants to go to school to study building and architecture. He's very good at building things. He always has been. I wish I was good at something like that. I'm only really good at things about surviving. At least I can stay alive, if nothing else.

29 April 1640

It's strange, watching my sister and her friends getting married. They're proper adults, going out and having their own lives. Even my friends are flirting and falling in love. And here I am, just…getting by, I suppose. I have friends but I don't have anyone who wants me. No one wants the strange girl to be their wife and raise their children. I don't even know if I want children, but it hurts that no one thinks I could, or should.

I try, but it seems no one cares.

1 May 1640

Equius's father is considering letting him go to school for architecture or engineering. He's certainly smart enough to! I'd miss him, but I don't want him to not go on my account.

It feels my family and friends are being scattered to the wind, and I'm still here in my old home.

4 May 1640

Luckily it hasn't frozen again, so some crops can grow. But Sollux said a lot of the plants died, and it's still cold, so they're not growing like they should. And Tavros said his family is worried they won't have food to feed their cows. Some of our plants didn't make it, but we can hunt to make up the difference. Most of Linny's plants grow in the woods, so I just need to find some more and transplant them. And I can forage pretty decently for food.

I do not forage for mushrooms, though. I don't have a death wish. Mushrooms are entirely too dangerous to mess with.

6 May 1640

I worked more on Linny's embroidery today. I'm definitely nervous to see my sister leave, but I am excited for her. She's going to have a good life.

I hope I have a good life. I'm not a proper adult yet, so I can't know, but her friends seem to have it together. My friends and I have time, but it seems that even when she was my age she was more put together than I am now.

I might be too hard on myself, though. I am only sixteen. I am good at what I do, and I have time to figure everything out.

8 May 1640

I went one more time to try to talk to Aradia. It's been a long time, but I don't want to give up on her just yet. Something must have happened to her and to her family, and I wish I could help them.

So I went and knocked and Mrs. Megido answered, and I asked after Aradia.

"I'll go find her," Mrs. Megido said. She had me wait at the table while she went to the bedroom upstairs. Their house is smaller than ours: a big room downstairs for everything but sleeping, a bedroom downstairs for Mr. and Mrs. Megido, and a bedroom upstairs for Damara and Aradia. It's quite nice.

I heard some mumbling, and then Mrs. Megido came back downstairs. "She isn't seeing anyone right now."

"Why not?" I asked.

"I-I don't know," she said.

I think she was lying, but I don't know how to say that. What can I say? "Tell me the truth"? I don't want to make whatever this is more difficult.

"Alright," I said. "My sister can help if you need anything. She's very good at her job."

Mrs. Megido nodded tiredly. "Thank you, Nepeta. And thank you for coming by."

"You're welcome," I said, and I left. I spent the rest of the day with my friends and tried not to think about it.

10 May 1640

I talked with Equius today about Aradia.

"I'm worried about her," I said. "Something's wrong."

"I am as well," he said. "However, I do not know what else we can do."

"I mean, me neither," I said. "But she's our friend, and I don't want to give up on her."

"Her sister could be a danger to you," he says carefully.

"I know," I said. "Damara tried to hurt Linny, and she might try to hurt me, too. But Aradia can see us without her sister. And I don't know what happened to Damara, but it didn't happen to Aradia, too. Damara left, but Aradia stayed here. So it's not the same thing."

"I hope you are right," Equius said, sighing.

"I know you like her," I said.

He jumped and blushed, like he does. He doesn't think I'm dumb but he thinks he's very subtle, and he's not.

"I think it's sweet," I said, poking him. "We'll figure out what's wrong and then you can start courting her."

"She prefers Sollux."

"She did. It's possible she changed her mind! And if she did, there'll be someone else. There's someone for everyone," I said. "We're young yet. We have time."

He sighed again. "I suppose so. I had best marry before I turn twenty-one, though, or my father will be furious."

"Is that because you're landed?" I asked.

"Yes. And as the second son, I will have to make some of my own way. Hence architecture school."

"Would you have to move to the city?" I asked.

"Possibly," he said. "I do not know. I might move to the city for a time and then back here once I complete my education."

"I'd miss you," I said. "If you left."

"And I you," he agreed sincerely. "I would not leave for long. You are my dearest friend, and I do not plan to leave you behind."

"Thanks, Equius," I said.

We went home after that, for tea and books. I want Equius to go to school and do well but I'd miss him terribly.

13 May 1640

I talked with Linny about how she's leaving and the dress. I just want it to be good enough for her. I want to be a good sister and a good bridesmaid. And I am nervous for her to leave. I'm trying very hard not to be, especially since she's busy enough with everything, but I can't seem to help it.

I've been practicing on the target behind our home when I'm not shooting. I want to be the best hunter I can be. And I've been working extra hard in the garden. And Linny promised to leave behind our mama's book, so I can treat myself and others if I need to. We'll be alright. We always are.

15 May 1640

I went walking with Equius again today. I showed him to the spring that feeds the creek. I've brought people there before, but I taught him the path. I don't normally do that. I showed him where to cross the stream and back and the landmarks so he knows he's on the right path. I like sharing the woods with Equius. He's my best friend and I want to share all the best parts of my life with him. He tells me about how he's learning math and building, brings us good food and invites me over for a fancy tea, and I show him around my woods and read my favorite books with him.

Equius helps me with my project, too. I've been noting when I see the baby animals come out. He points them out to me and tells me when he's seen them. He sometimes says it's silly, but I know he doesn't mean it. He's not a very good liar.

17 May 1640

I talked with Kanaya today at her home. Her father was working the land and her mother and sister were doing the seamstress work they do, so she was caring for her old Aunt Barbara. Her aunt can be awfully grumpy, but she's happy to sip a cup of tea with honey and make a needlepoint usually. So Kanaya and I sat in the kitchen and had tea together.

"Why is she with you?" I asked. "I thought you had other family."

"The doctor says it's better for her out in the country," Kanaya said. "Anyways, her husband passed a few years ago and her children are awfully busy."

"How old is she?" I asked.

"Sixty-six," Kanaya said. "She's much older than my father."

"Indeed," I said. "How is your Aunt Ellen?"

"She's alright. Doing better than Aunt Barbara, anyways. I don't know what happened to the third sister, so I suppose those two might carry on another few years."

"You have another aunt?"

"No, not really. She passed away a long time ago. My father won't tell me how or when, mind you, but I know it was before I was born. I think she was his favorite sister," she said, a little quieter.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"She's the only one he tells stories about," she said. The she shrugged. "She probably was ill. I understand why he wouldn't want to talk about it."

I nodded. "Yes, I imagine so."

"I think every family has something odd like that," Kanaya remarked. "Aradia's missing aunt and Sollux's missing uncle, Terezi's strange aunt, your mother…"

"What about my mother?" I asked, feeling hurt.

"Nothing bad," Kanaya said. "Just that your family is a bit unusual, that's all. Being adopted and all."

"It is odd," I say. "But it's the best thing that every happened to Meulin and me."

"Your mother was a good woman," Kanaya said kindly. "She did good work."

"Thank you," I said. "I'm glad we had her."

She nodded, and we were quiet for a long time before trading dress patterns and knitting ideas over the last of the tea. I'll ask her about Rose another time. I would never do that near her Aunt Barbara.

19 May 1640

I'm still thinking about how strange families can be. Meulin and I and our mother were and are unusual, for sure. Aradia has missing aunt and her current family situation, Kanaya has her long-gone aunt and Aunt Barbara right here in the village, Terezi has her aunt who might have also been a lawyer, Vriska has her aunt who was a privateer (unless she's exaggerating, which I wouldn't doubt), Sollux has his missing uncle, Tavros has his uncle who vanishes for weeks at a time, and Karkat's illegitimate. Equius's family is pretty much normal, except for how his family is tied to mine-initially through killing.

I assume my higher-class friends have even stranger families. They're nobility. Their families must be a mess.

21 May 1640

I walked with Tavros through his family's cow pastures today and noticed how they were emptier than usual.

"We've had to slaughter some early," he explained. "Before they starved."

"Is it that bad?"

He nodded. His stammer is better now than it was, but he still avoids talking sometimes.

"How are you legs?"

"Still sore, some days. As long as Rufioh and my father do the harder work, I can manage."

"Let me know if Meulin or I can help out. We have lots of remedies," I offered.

"Thank you, but I think this is how it is for me," he said.

"I don't mean to be rude, but how can you still like her?" I asked.

"She did it because she thought it was the best for me," he insisted. "I'm really fine."

"It seems to me she doesn't always treat you kindly," I tried.

"Not always," he said. "I don't know. She's courting below her status, so I guess she must like me."

"Or she doesn't take it seriously," I pointed out.

"I think she likes me," Tavros said.

"Alright," I conceded. "What's this girl's name?"

He smiled and told me the names of all the cows-the milk cows. The beef cows don't get names, because they're slaughtered much more often. The milk cows get names so they can keep track of them.

24 May 1640

Linny hasn't been sleeping much lately. I hear her late at night making tea, and Button trying to get her back to bed. Button likes to make sure we're both asleep before she curls up in my bed for the night. When she hears Linny awake, she'll try to herd her back to bed. If I didn't know better, I'd say Button has some sheepdog in her.

Button goes about her own cat business during the day, but at night she likes to curl up with me and let me pet her while she purrs away. It's very nice.

26 May 1640

The wedding is so soon! Meulin's almost done with her dress and I think her skirt will be most lovely, if I do say so myself. I showed Kanaya the embroidery yesterday and she liked it a lot. I'd love to show Aradia, but I doubt it would help.

We had such a storm today. It rained harder than I've ever seen it. The garden wasn't too waterlogged, as our home is on a bit of a hill, but it was not a day for going outdoors. I got a lot of indoor work done.

28 May 1640

Kurloz isn't over as often these days, because he's preparing at his family home. Linny's been missing him. I'm happy for her! She certainly loves him, and he loves her. The way he looks her, like she's the very sun in the sky, couldn't mean anything else.

I hope someone looks at me like that someday. I don't think I'm jealous-Kurloz, besides being older than me, is awfully gangly and pale in a way I don't like at all-but I do want a love like that. It would be nice.

30 May 1640

I finally saw Terezi again today. She's been busy lately, trying to get an education. I asked her if she's going to go to school like her aunt.

"I'd like to, but Aunt Neolla had an inheritance, and my parents would never pay."

"That's too bad."

"It's alright. She left us her law books, and I've been studying. Most of it is dull, but once you get past that it's very interesting," she said.

"I'll take your word for it," I said. "We have some law books, but I've never read them."

"Where did your family get those books, anyways?" Terezi asked.

"I don't know. My mother inherited the house that way from her mother-in-law, and said they always had the books. Maybe whoever willed it to my mother's mother-in-law bought the books," I said. I really don't know. I just know that we have lots of books, and I love them.

"Strange," Terezi said. "A mystery! Maybe I can try to solve it."

"Maybe so!" I said. "Go ahead. I'll tell you if I find any clues."

She grinned, sharp like she always has, but not scary like Vriska. "Thanks, Nepeta. Don't be a stranger, you know? You can always come by my house."

"Your parents won't mind?" I asked.

"Of course not. Your mother treated all sorts of strange ailements in the family. They'd never not let you in!" She waved as she walked away. She's right, I think. A lot of people in the village are fine with me because of what Linny does and my mama did. I hope that's not the only reason people like me.

1 June 1640

The wedding's in only four days! I can hardly believe it. Meulin looks beautiful in her dress and I'm looking forwards to it. It promises to be quite the event!

She's certainly more nervous than I am, since her life is changing ten times as fast as mine, but I'm still nervous for her to leave. It'll be the same, but it won't be. I know I'll be able to feed myself-we both hunt because there are two of us-but it will be different in ways I'm not used to. I hope I'll be alright.

3 June 1640

I tried my nice dress on again today and it seems I've grown since I last wore it. I had to take out the chest, which wasn't hard, and adjust the waist. I've always been thinner than Linny, but I've been gaining weight as of late, too. I'm still growing a bit, though my chest has its adult shape and I get my bleeding, to my chagrin.

I'm not a child anymore, but I don't feel like an adult quite yet.

5 June 1640

The wedding was today! It was wonderful. A carriage came for us early, and I expected Kurloz to be in it, but he wasn't, because it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding on the wedding day. It's a very old superstition, from when you didn't even talk to your betrothed and people worried the husband might change his mind if he saw the wife. Of course now it's just an old tradition.

Once we were there, there was a lady who help us dress. Linny and I usually lace up each other's nice corsets that tie in the back. I also did Meulin's hair, and she did mine. She was shaking with excitement and holding a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I had a smaller bouquet, as her maid of honor.

The ceremony was quite lovely. I walked down the aisle first with Gamzee, the best man, and then watched Meulin walk. She looked beautiful. Being in love like that makes people beautiful, I think. Kurloz was certainly blushing!

They read their vows for each other, promising all their love, in sickness and health, for better or worse, and Meulin was crying while I held her bouquet. I've never seen her so happy. Then the priest pronounced them married and everyone cheered while we walked out, my sister and her husband grinning big.

Dinner was delicious-a course meal, with all sorts of delicacies and desserts. And the dancing! I admit I prefer to dance fast like we do in the village, but these were fun, too. I talked with some of the young men who live in the castle, and some nobility I'd never met before, and it was fun! I don't meet many new people. I don't normally like to, but once in a while it can be fun. Though I am tired and don't plan on seeing anyone else for a while. I told Meulin as much, so she'd know I was having fun and she wouldn't have to worry.

At the end of it all, the carriage took me back home, by myself. It was strange coming home to an empty house. I stoked the fire and found Button so it wouldn't feel quite so lonely. She was content to curl up in my lap while I petted her and read a book.

When it was bedtime, she went up to Meulin's room, and when my sister wasn't there, Button went searching for her, meowing to get her attention. I wanted to tell her Meulin's grown up and left, but I don't know how tell a cat that.

She finally settled down with me, but when I woke up to stoke the fire again and have some tea, she was wandering again. I found her sitting on Linny's bed, like she was confused. Poor thing. She's used to the family of three, and now it's just her and me. I'd be confused, too.

7 June 1640

It's strange, living alone. The house feels colder and louder. I look up from my book or my knitting to tell something to Linny and she's not there. I've been talking to Button a fair bit. Button doesn't much care, and she spends the day going about her cat business, but she comes home at night. I think she gets up and hunts at night, too, but I'm asleep then, and she comes home in the evenings.

It's better when I'm hunting or working in the garden, because I'm used to doing those things alone. It's the worst when I'm eating dinner alone. I hardly know what to do with myself. I've been reading, but it's not the same. It's just so strange.

9 June 1640

I'm not doing the work of two now, but there is more to be done without Meulin around. Hunting, gardening, mending, cleaning, cooking, breadmaking. I know how to do all of it, but it feels like more now with just me. I'm not sure if it is, because while I'm just me, I'm also just one mouth to feed, but it feels like more.

11 June 1640

Equius came to my house today. He doesn't normally, but I haven't been to see him in almost a week, and he was worried.

"I missed you," he said, a bit sheepish.

"I missed you too," I said. "I've just been so busy. I'm sorry I worried you. I won't do it again."

"Are you too busy?" he asked nervously.

"No, I don't think so," I told him. "I just need to get used to it. I've had time, but I haven't felt up for doing much." I shifted on the couch. "I miss my sister. I know it's silly, because she's not far away at all, but I miss her."

"Of course you do," he said. "You have lived with her your entire life."

"Yes, I suppose so," I agreed. "I mean, she's not-not gone, not like Mama. But I miss her all the same."

Equius nodded. "I am sorry. Please tell me if I can do anything at all to help you."

"Thanks, Equius."

I leaned my head on his shoulder and we stayed like that for a long while. It felt good to be with my best friend. I trust him more than almost anyone. We're both a bit odd, but I think that's part of why we're such good friends.

14 June 1640

I made my way into the village today to see my friends. I told them all about my sister's wedding, about the food and the dancing and the ceremony of it all. I've sent one letter so far, just asking how she is, and I hope to hear back soon. It won't be the same, but she's my sister. I want to keep being close to her.

Kanaya and Terezi and I sat together on the edge of the fountain and talked about things for a couple of hours this afternoon. It was lovely.

16 June 1640

Someone came by today for Meulin, asking for the midwife. I said she'd married and moved out, but I'd do what I could. I really don't like doing the work Linny does, but I can stitch a cut if I have to. It turns out that Mr. Lewis's son Thomas fell while fixing the roof and had a big cut on his head. Mama's book says that head wounds bleed a lot even if they're not serious, so I told them that, sewed it up, bandaged it, and told him to wait until the weather's dry to repair the roof.

In fairness, it's been a very wet year. We've had a lot of storms.

18 June 1640

Today was one of the worst storms yet. It was so windy the rain was practically sideways and it was howling like a dying animal. Button stayed inside all day, which she almost never does. I couldn't do much but inside work.

I checked the plants late, once the worst had passed, and they seem a bit beat up but still standing. I think the trees protect them.

20 June 1640

I went for a walk today across the river and saw that the storm had knocked an awfully big branch off one of the big old oak trees, and it was blocking the path. I had to haul it out of the way to get around.

It worries me some that the weather is so bad. Our home is well-built, but old, and I worry sometimes what might happen if one day the storms were too much for it.

23 June 1640

The big storms have been the talk of the town. Tavros's family is trying to keep their cows closer, and the farming families like Sollux's are losing crops from the wind and rain waterlogging them or simply ripping them out. Everyone's nervous for the winter. Between the bad growing season and the storms, I am too. I can live off what I hunt, and my garden is doing fine, but I don't think I could stand to see my friends go hungry.

25 June 1640

Feferi came into town today with Eridan and Gamzee. Gamzee hardly remembered Linny's wedding, apparently. Feferi told me she heard it was lovely.

"I see you're not married yet," I observed.

"No, not yet," she said. "My mother isn't as keen as my father on marrying me off. My sister's still first in line, and I'm second, so I think she just wants us both around to inherit. Especially with Meenah going off on her own."

"Going off on her own?" I asked.

"Oh, she'll go into the city for a few days," Feferi said, quite blasé for someone whose sister vanishes for days at a time. "She always comes back. But if she ever doesn't, my mother wants me around to inherit the throne, just in case."

"I can't believe you're in line for the throne," I said.

She shrugged. "I always have been. I want to be a good queen. I'll give money to the poor."

"That's kind of you," I said. She said "the poor" in a strange way, but then, I'm not always good at understanding these things.

"It's the least I can do," she said.

"I think you'll be a good queen, then," I said. "Trying to help people."

I don't know what makes a good queen, but I think trying to help is a good start.

26 June 1640

Linny came to visit today! She came in the middle of chopping so I didn't have to worry about the stove or anything. We talked for a long while, and she told me all about her new life in the castle! It's just incredible. I told her about how Equius wants to go to university for building, how Terezi's trying to save her pennies, how Kanaya's trying to learn to read, all that. I didn't worry her telling her about the storms and such. I asked her about her new married life, because I'm curious and because I want to know how she is, and she's doing well, which I'm glad to hear.

She's going to help teach Kanaya to be the midwife, because Kanaya wants to more than I do (which is to say, at all), and our mama's book is at home. I look forward to the day when I will never have to deal with a pus-soaked wound again. Kanaya has the stomach for it. I have the stomach for hunting, but not for pus and vomit and, mostly, crying. I can't stand to see people crying.

29 June 1640

It's been almost a month since Linny married. I still feel strange. I'm alone in this big house, with two empty bedrooms. I'm keeping busy, which helps, but it's still just odd being alone.

I'm doing alright. I'm not going hungry or anything, but I feel alone sometimes, especially in the evenings when I relax and do indoors work. I hope it goes away after I get used to it. I don't want to be lonely like this forever.


End file.
